CURRAN's CORNER: Politics Schmolitics
Good morning Friends & Fearful Citizens!! Time to Rise & Shine...It's Election Day!! Atlast, our long national nightmare has officially arrived - and in just a few horrible hours we will all be glued to our televisions and social media devices to see who the majority of the country hates least. Will it be the Giant Douche? Or the Turd Sandwich?
Or Maybe American is actually going to go Full Retard and #FeeltheJohnson...HAHAHAHA!!! No, but seriously -. Maybe we'll get lucky and it will be The Giant Asteroid and it will all be over quickly. One thing's for sure, this has been one hell of an exciting ending to our great nation.
Since the end is nigh, I figured now would be as good a time as any to do a quick recap of the options. No one's mind is going to be changed or influenced by any of this nonsense anyways - so we might as well have a good giggle about how fucked we are before the clock strikes midnight.
Although the race really comes down to old HillBilly 2.0 and Grabby McSmall Hands, I'll also give a little attention to Captain Clueless of the Libiterian Party. But I'm not gonna bother with Jill Stein. Vermin Supreme has a better chance of becoming president than that Happy ol' Hippie.
Well, enough stalling - time to get to it because there's a lot to cover. So go get your coffee, sit back, relax, and make sure the boss ain't walking by...let's get Political.
The Great Right Dope: Leisure Suit Larry
Gary, Gary, Gary. SMH. 2016 saw the emergence of two of the most disliked and distrusted candidates in generations. One is accused of personally flying to Libya, murdering 4 Americans, and sending National Security secrets via her AOL dialup email account and deleting all the evidence. The other is a angry, orange, faux-republican hate-fueled gaffe machine that loves stiffing contractors, peddling crappy steaks & fake Universities and grabbing genitalia uninvited. If there was ever a time in modern American Politics for a 3rd party Canddiate to swoop in and save the day THIS would be it. And for a moment you had some momentum and seemed like an interesting option: You want to legalize marijuana, you were a successful Republican Governor before switching sides and you spend your free time climbing mountains and calling Trump a Pussy in an interviews. You also stood on a Pro-Jeans and Sports Jacket Platform - which is sort of like a political mullet. Business on top, party on the bottom.
All you needed was an audience to get your message out. Johnsonites throughout the country were pushing for you to get that coveted 15% polling support so you could get up on the debate stage with the big dogs and let the world know who you are...and then Aleppo happened. And then you couldn't name a foreign leader. And somewhere along the way you became a caricature of what you once stood for - and looked pretty unsure if you wanted to have that platform and attention anymore. Might have started to spiral a bit, and became more of a living meme than a serious candidate.
In the end though, he seems like a nice enough guy. He's got good intentions and does seem to be a pretty principled man. He's definitely less Rape-y than Trump & I'd bet good money he's never deleted 33,000 emails - most likely because I'm not entirely convinced he knows how to use a computer. He's like America's Step-dad. Wants to seem cool and be respected but unfortunately just comes off as kinda a douchey tool. Hopefully at the end of this someone will give old Gary a Hug.
The Hair Apparent: Cheeto Hitler
In an incredibly strange turn of events, 2016 saw the good people over at the GOP some how change their stance as the God-fearing, ultra Conservative Party of traditional family values and abandon them for...well...Biff Tannen from Back to the Future Part II. Touting a platform of #HillaryforPrison, The Donald has ditched his "YUGE" ratings on his former NBC reality show "The Apprentice" for a National reality show "The Apocalypse" - garnering support from some unlikely bedfellows that just 8 years ago would have laughed him off the stage. But times have changed. Many Americans feel forgotten and neglected by the Obama Administration and the "Washington Elite" that have taken their jobs, let the country get over-run by immigrants and abandoned the wholesome values of Christianity. Enter Trump - an outsider that hasn't been there in D.C. to pass those laws that screwed them over. A "Self-Made" Billionaire with crazy hair and promises to "Drain the Swamp". His appeal is real and it is overwhelming.
But it's also pretty ironic. The traditionally fiscally responsible Republicans that have historically cursed the welfare state and those that mooch off the system have embraced him - despite admitting he lost almost $1 Billion in just one year in the 90's during a booming economy and despite admitting that he hasn't paid income taxes in almost 20 years because "he's smart'. The party that prides itself in family values and the sanctity of marriage between a man & a woman has rallied around a guy that's on his third wife (two of which he cheated on) and was not only recorded bragging about groping women inappropriately, but also has a litany of accusers coming forward claiming sexual assault.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. This angry life sized Oompa-Loompa also claimed that Mexicans are criminals & rapists and promises to build a wall on our border that Mexico WILL pay for (but he does love a good Taco Bowl); he's made fun of a disabled reporter; he's advocated banning an entire religion from entering the country; he's claimed he's in favor of torturing and water boarding the families of SUSPECTED terrorists; oh AND he's responsible for the whole birther scandal claiming President Obama, the first black president was not born in American but rather in, um, Africa. Yeah. Also, surprisingly he's also garnered support from white supremacist groups and refuses to denounce them either.... Seriously, you can't make this up.
It's almost like the guy is TRYING to lose. But he's not. Not trying to lose that is...and despite these somewhat "controversial" beliefs, comments, gaffes and stances he's not appearing to lose (by that much) right now either. He is claiming the election is rigged though. Why you ask? Well allow me to introduce you to his opponent...
The Pantsuit Princess: Kill-bot Granny
For the first time in the History of American Politics, a major political party nominated a female to the highest office in all the land. I know what you're thinking...a woman? But Presidenting is a man's job!! Well not anymore!! Turns out, ladies have ambitions too!! But besides being the wife and (SPOILER ALERT) Former First Lady to an incredibly popular Democratic President (that left office with a 57% Approval rating), Former Senator of New York, Former Secretary of State under Barack Obama and assisting in the killing of America's #1 Enemy Osama Bin Ladin...what has she done? Apparently everything. including creating and supporting ISIS, rigging the election, killing all of her political rivals, paying off the FBI, successfully infiltrating the human race and hiding her true reptilian demonic form and single handedly bombing a foreign embassy. Oh yea, and she may have sent Classified Emails involving National Security from a home server and destroyed the evidence. And depending on who you ask she may favor pay-to-play politics, be in the pocket of Wall Street, rigged the Democratic Primaries, and she's a member of the Illuminati, is bent on integrating Sharia Law in the US through open borders and destroying our economy and democracy as we know it.
Really could go either way though - hard to tell which is fact and which is tin-foil hat.
This is would all be pretty funny if it wasn't so real :(
CONCLUSION: We're Screwed
Despite your views on the candidates, at the end of the day I believe we all truly want what is best for this country. Lately things have become so divisive that the country seems to be tearing itself a part because of our ideologies and assumptions about the opposition. We've gotten so caught up in supporting our candidate during a historically ugly campaign that we're perceiving the other party as the enemy - and seeing and bringing out the worst in each other.
The argument can be made that - although he is a morally corrupt man (and severely flawed in every definitition of a decent human being) - Donald Trump is the answer for many Americans that feel disenfranchised by our Government, elected officials, and the system that they feel continually fucks them over everyday. Not all of his supporters are fueled by hate and bigotry, but rather operate on a desire to disrupt the status quo and try something new because they do not believe the current path is helping them. An outsider that doesn't need political donors or handouts - threatens to rule with an iron fist and bring back jobs. He is going against the grain and bucking the system - and saying things in his anti-PC platform that many people can relate to.
The argument can also be made in favor of Hillary that Benghazi was an unfortunate incident that was brought on by other factors including budget cuts from a Republican Congress, delayed deployment of ground support by the Department of Defense and unfortunate underestimation of an incredibly hostile situation by numerous government and military officials. And that the emails don't really matter because Colin Powell, Condolezza Rice & dozens of other government officials and political leaders have used private emails servers in the past & the Bush Administration deleted over 22 million emails while W was in office. You could argue that not all Hillary supporters are voting for her because she is a woman, or because they're just an uneducated liberal that wants a handout...but rather because they feel she is a proven leader that cares about social issues like Marriage Equality, Equal Civil Rights, Education and has an established career working with politicians on both sides.
It's also possible to argue that if someone bought Gary Johnson a globe and explained what the Department of Education actually does that maybe he would make a pretty good president. Or we could do the reasonable thing and write in someone...
Yes, there are extremes on all sides - but in the end I believe we are inherently good people at heart. And I hope that at the end of the day we all just want to do what we believe is best for our families and country. Hopefully after a few months pass and this is all over, we can all put our differences aside and go back to talking about the really important issues...like whether or not the Patriots cheated, if Lebron will ever be as good as Jordan, and how the SEC isn't as dominant as it used to be & is riding on the coat tails of Nick Saban's success. You know, the stuff that really matters.
Good luck getting through the chaos today. If you haven't voted yet, make sure to get out and do so, otherwise you have no right to complain about the mess we're in this time next year. Plus, we all need to come together and agree to impeach whichever jackass we elect tonight anyways come next February.
Thanks for taking a moment to read these ramblings this morning. I hope it added a bit of levity to an otherwise intense day. I have left the comments open - however lets keep it civil if we do comment. Friends from both sides of the isle are hopefully taking this with a grain of salt and don't want anyone getting viscous or butt-hurt over a couple of jokes. So play nice please :)
Have a great day, Don't forget to vote, and as always - Go Noles!!
**Oh - and good luck on that hangover you're sure to have Wednesday.**