Good Morning & Happy Monday!

Rise and Shine party people!! The Weekend is finally over and time to get your work week on!! I read somewhere that if you say something bad with a positive attitude that it takes away some of the negative connotations...no? Oh well. 

Lets face it, Monday is here and he's a filthy sonovabitch.

Yes the sad reality is, the weekend is now part of the past and there's no use dwelling on it.  So get over it, we're all in this together...kinda.

The good news? My procrastination does have some benefits, and I'm here for you to help kick the week off right!! So grab that coffee, pretend to be busy and enjoy!

​SPORTS
NFL
For those of you that still have a dog in the hunt or just plain love the game, the AFC & NFC Championship Games were last night. One game was an epic match up of Two Future Hall-of Fame-ers that capped of one of the most storied rivalries NFL History. The other...not so much. We'll touch on the latter 1st.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
PANTHERS vs CARDNIALS
In a rematch of last year's NFC Wild Card game, Carson Palmer and his crew traveled to Carolina to seek revenge on last years devastating 27-16 loss to the Panthers. Unfortunately, they met a much, much worse fate.  Palmer, channeling his inner Bengal, threw just 1 TD, four interceptions (some of which resulted in TDs for Carolina) and lost two fumbles in the embarrassing 49-15 spanking Arizona endured. (In contrast, Superman aka 2015 NFL MVP Cam Newton had 2 passing TDs, and 1 Rushing TD)

FUN FACT: I don't think I understand Football. Picked the Cardinals. Derp.

FUN FACT: I was rooting for the Patriots. Don't take me to Vegas.

FACE/OFF
This week's Match led me head-to-head with the fondly remembered, crowd favorite 1997 Action/Adventure - unintentional Comedy(?) Face/Off. At first glance this may not fit prior Cage Match criteria - The Academy Award Nominated Film (seriously...for Special Effects, but still) does claim a 7.3/10 on IMDB. It even won some "awards" (MTV Movie Awards for Best Actors Cage & Travolta). But nostalgia aside, the movie is a Classic Cage Cheese fest. This is LITERALLY the opening scene:

NERD NEWS
BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY
Hold on to your pocket protectors, the future is now Nerds!! And that future? TELEPORTATION!!  The big brains over at Purdue University, claim to have figured out what Star Trek pretended to do on tv. Well, kind of. 

Potential Supervillian and most-likely Asian scientist Tongcang Li explains: "We propose a straightforward method to put a microorganism in two places at the same time, and provide a scheme to teleport the quantum state of a microorganism,"  Going further saying that hopefully his "unconventional work will inspire more people to think seriously about quantum teleportation of a microorganism and its potential applications in the future."  In dumb-dumb terms, they haven't exactly figured out how to "Beam" anyone up, but they claim they can transfer consciousness between microorganisms...in theory...on a quantum level.....but probably can't prove it.

At least I think that's what it said. There weren't Cliff's Notes. Yay Science!!

INTERNATIONAL NEWS
GO MEDIEVAL on YOUR ASS
For the better part of a Century, the Russians have been in an Epic pissing contest with the US. We Build a bomb - they build a bomb. We fund despotic dictators in Iraq, they fund despotic dictators in Iran. We invent Rocky Balboa, they invent Ivan Drago. The list goes on and on.. Well now they may have officially out-crazy'd the crazies.  We have L.A.R.P.ing (Live Action Role Playing)  &  now they have the M-1 MMA Medieval fighting circuit.

***Before we go further, incase you have not seen the wonder that is L.A.R.P.ing, its a spectacle to be seen. Virgins gather in public parks dressed as Wizards, dwarves or whatever and battle out their sexual frustrations as seen in the movie Role Models, and here in REAL LIFE:

Back to the point, the Russians have invented a sport that mixes L.A.R.P.ing, Professional Wrestling and MMA fighting into a bat-shit insane regulated combat where men compete for glory with full armor, swords, and metal gloves. They don't straight up execute anyone, but it can get pretty brutal. At the risk of over saturating you all with awesome videos, I posted this Highlight reel below for you viewing Pleasure. You're Welcome.

CLASSY ARTSY FARTSY NEWS
FILL MY HOLES
By now I'm sure you all aware of the anonymous, socially conscious, renegade street artist Banksy. And some of you may have heard of the lesser known Hanksy - anonymous graffiti artist that parodies works of Banksy by replacing them with the face of actor Tom Hanks. Well those guys were cool, but they're too mainstream for me. I prefer the works of the new Socially conscious, Renegade Street Artist on the scene - Wanksy.

Wanksy is a one man army, fighting the tyranny and bureaucratic bullshit of local government. How? By drawing Penises on Potholes of course.  Basically he's enraging City Council officials through his tastefully phallic designs, and forcing them to make repairs to roads they would normally ignore. He sees a street injustice, draws a dick, and it usually either gets noticed, reported, or repaired immediately.
​
According to his website, this freedom fighter is "Making the world a better place, one pothole at a time."If there were no potholes I wouldn’t draw on anything...The road is my canvas. "

This. Guy. Rocks.

FAME of The WEEK
My Lovely, Bad-ass, Better Half!!
Besides dealing with the stresses and joys of the being pregnant with our Baby Girl Avery AND taking care of me through the ups and downs of my stupid dead liver, Nicole gets the coveted Fame of The Week for another reason. On the heels of her 12th anniversary with Insight Global, Nicole just crushed another milestone with her company - breaking $60K in spread per week, becoming the 1st Account Manager in the Atlanta Office to hit this milestone and becoming the #4 Overall Salesperson in her entire company (which happens to be the 3rd largest IT staffing firm in America). She also just hit the $2 Million Dollar Club, a goal she's been chasing for longer than I've known her. In layman's terms - she's bringing in some Big $$ for this Big company, and making it look easy.

**To put it in perspective,  6 months ago she was at $30K in spread...which was an all time high for her career at the time. Since then she has doubled her success and production, all without losing her mind and killing me in the process.**

Now if it sounds like I'm bragging about my wife a bit, and putting her on a pedestal - truth be told I am. I do this because she won't. She is too humble, and entirely too modest. She would be the last person to tell you these things happened. And the fact is, Nicole is the most amazing and inspiring person I've ever met. She's beautiful, kind, generous and loving - while being focused, motivated, and goal oriented. She brings out the best in all she meets, and makes me want to be a better person every day.

Congrats again on the HUGE Milestone Baby!! I am so proud of all you are and all you do!!

SHAME of The WEEK
This Guy
One of the many "perks" of my dead liver is the constant game of Tummy-Tango I play on a daily fucking basis. For the most part I eat right and do my best to stay healthy. However every once in when I'm feeling well, I get a bit cocky and stray a bit from my new normal and eat a little recklessly. So was the case Saturday night.

The scene - Casa de Bundy. The Meal - Turkey Tacos. My downfall - approximately 3 tablespoons of Sriracha .

Despite my obvious Irish heritage, I am a huge fan of all things spicy - especially of the Hot Sauce variety. Well long story short, I may have been a bit overzealous in the condiment department and poured on more than I should stomach. To be honest, some one with out my prior restrictions should not have dared dance with.

Long story even longer - after a long sweat induced night of minimal sleep in fear of Phantom -Pooping the Bundy guest bedroom, I managed to keep my successfully keep my bowels at bay and not stain their pretty white bedsheets. Crisis Averted (Allegedly) 
How did I fare the rest of the day? Let's just say I've been a Gambling man all day. No comment on the outcome.

THE END
Well that's enough sharing for me this week. Thanks for sticking around and hope you found a chuckle or two.

As always, any comments, jokes, feedback, suggestions or Cage Match recommendations are welcome below (You should comment, all the cool kids are doing it). If you like what you read, tell your friends. If not, don't - and just delete your browser history so you don't have to see this nonsense again (if you're unsure how, just ask you husband/boyfriend).

Thanks again, have a great day & a wonderful Week!!

Well the weekend came and went and it's time to get back to the grind and face the facts. Your NFL team probably sucks and have been eliminated. College Football is over. And you you didn't win the lotto  That last part really sucks too, because  I had a really good feeling about it this time and I was frankly surprised we didn't win. Oh well. Probably for the best - I'd end up blowing all my money on stock piling new/extra livers, buying the Jacksonville Jaguars and purchasing vintage Bat-mobiles. That money'd be gone in 3 months. But no use dwelling on what could have been.

Now if memory serves me correctly and My google search engine isn't incorrect - today is a Holiday!! Yes, Monday is Martin Luther King Jr Day - where we celebrate the most important Civil Rights Leader in American History by not having our mail delivered or being able to cash a check. Not sure that's what he set out to achieve, but it's better than nothing I guess. Hooray Banks?

If you have a "Real Job" then you probably don't have the luxury of enjoying this, the 1st Government Mandated Celebration of the New Year. Sorry. Not really though.

Mondays are always hard, especially when you know others aren't having to endure the misery which you all are putting yourself through at this very fleeting moment.  If it's any consolation, if I did have a job, I'd probably call in  Ferris Bueller style today anyways. Think I'll watch that today.

​Moving on - Thanks for checking back in this morning after last week's longer-than-normal  edition. Sorry for missing the proposed deadline Friday, - but I'm sure you'll live.Plus you get a nice steamy pile of the corner to sift through this morning!! Win Win?

Enough stalling - watch out Monday, here we come

VAMPIRE'S KISS
For my second Cage Match, I decided to go head to head with the movie that spawned a million memes - Vampire's Kiss. ​(This Haunting pic is an actual scene from the film)

Boasting a 5.8/10 on IMBD. After watching this film, I feel that rating is entirely too generous.With a budget of $2 Million, this 1988 comedy (?) pulled in a whopping $725,131 - which is $78 million less than what Adam Sandler's Pixels made. Why, America? Why?.

​Basically, Nic Cage plays Peter Loew, a Publishing Executive that loves Black Chicks and dry humping. In that order. Well during a one night stand, Cage gets bit on the neck by a Vampire. Or Thinks he does. Then he turns into a Vampire. Or at least he thinks he does. And he acts it out in that subtle Nic Cage way we've all grown to love as you can see here:

SPOILER ALERT: He's not a vampire. He's just really weird and lonely. 

After being bit, Cage's character starts exhibiting interesting side effects talking in an accent that is a strange mix between Valley Girl/London Socialite/ and New York 80's Guppy. Very odd. Oh, and he starts sweating a LOT, sleeping under his coach (to avoid sunlight, duh) and wearing fake vampire teeth (his character actually goes and is too cheap for the $9 pair, so gets the $2 teeth.)  
​
Other notable moments are Cage loosing his mind in a public restroom when he can't see his reflection, kind of raping his mexican assistant, but not really, and biting a woman to death in a club using the $2 teeth. All in all, a normal Tuesday night in Cage-land. 

​Later he gets a stake through the heart. Hope that makes sense.

ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: He did not win his Academy Award for this one.

CAGE RAGE
This movie was chocked full of Cage-y moments, and the Rage was strong throughout. Made the movie worth it alone for his awesomeness. 4.5/5 Cage Rages.

​SPORTS
College Football
As you know, the College Football National Championship Game was played this past Monday night, and it was arguably one of the most entertaining National Championships in the last 10 years. Coach Dabu Sweeney's #1 Clemson Tigers came in as an underdog, facing off against Nick Saban's  #2 Alabama Crimson Tide, and this game proved that these schools were undoubtedly the best two teams in the nation. Both teams came out swinging, taking turns controlling Quarters - until Saban pulled out a surprise on-side kick at the beginning of the 4th. From there, it was all Bama controlling the game and finishing 45-40 winning the National Championship once again.

Besides Alabama completely ditching Kiffin at the Stadium, this was my other favorite part about the National Championship...The much needed Taiwanese Animation prediction of the game. I love these guys.

NFL
Since I missed Week 1 of the playoffs with Wildcard weekend, and we just experienced Week 2, I'm going to cram all the fun in a supershort meme-tastic recap. Short and sweet,, like the lollipop guild.

WILD CARD WEEKEND
​The 2015-2016 NFL Playoff kicked off Saturday Jan 9th 2016 with Wild Card Weekend, and it marked the 1st time in NFL History all Wildcard Teams/Road Teams won.. Unheard of and amazing.  Unless you're a fan of one of those losers. 

That's it. 

MORE SPORTS - Playoffs Week 2
 All of these games could have been thoroughly enjoyed by watching the 1st quarters, and 4th Quarters alone. That's were the excitement was - not to much meat on them bones. Except for Pats Chiefs - all action throughout! I'll try to keep it to just a few sentences and a Meme each:

Cardinals/Greenbay - 1/16/16
The score was 13-20, as Arizona led Greenbay with 5 seconds left. The game all but over, Aaron Rodgers channeled his - well inner Rodgers, and threw a last minute, 41 yard Hail Mary pass to Jeff Janis sending the game into Overtime. It was unlike you've never seen - unless you watched the Detroit game last month (12/3/15) where he did the same thing.  After a weird non-flip "coin-toss" Larry Fitzgerald scored on two plays for the Cardinals Victory.. Final Score 26-20
​

Patriots /Chiefs - 1/16/16
Chiefs had a chance, but they blew it. They're complaining of Headset issues, but who cares. Patriots advance, this was a no brainer.  We all saw this coming. Final Score: 27-20

Fun Fact - Lots of fun meme's to choose from, but figured this un-related meme would be fun to remind everyone the Bengals still suck and can't win in the post-season.

Panthers/Seahawks - 1/17/16
​The Battle of the Bandwagons. Russell Wilson led his rag-tag group of Super-Bowl Champions to an early 31-0 deficit, allowing Cam Newton to bend them over give them the Dirty Carolina. Somehow in shocking fashion (like every other game this weekend) a comeback was a brewin' - and Wilson led those filthy Sea Pigeons to an almost comeback - but fell short of greatness yet again. Panthers win and millions of Bandwagoners have been left wondering who they're now die hard fans of. Final Score: 31-24

Broncos/Steelers - 1/17/16
In a game best described as awkward to watch, two of the NFL's biggest stars hobbled out to meet each other in a handicapped grudge match for AFC dominance.  Steelers without a healthy QB, Antonio Brown, or any running game what-so-ever was no match for Peyton Manning's uncanny ability to hand the ball off. Steelers fell in this snoozer This picture explains it all. Final Score: 23-16

SPORTS RELATED NEWS
​Get that man a Grammy!!
After the cringe-worthy hit on Antonio Brown in the 4th Quarter of the Steelers/Bengals Wildcard game 1/9/16, Bengals Cornerback/Concussion Expert Adam "Pacman" Jones hit social media to talk about the "dirty" hit that led to the game winning field goal by the Steelers. Pacman felt that not only was this hit below legit:​

but he also felt that Antonio Brown was faking it. Faking it so well, that his performance deserved a Grammy for his performance. A Grammy. Antonio Brown deserved Pop-Music's most Prestigious award for pretending to be knocked unconscious.

But that's not all - he later went on to double down on his claim - going on Inside the NFL, saying he was positive the Antonio Brown didn't have a concussion..and would only apologize to him if he didn't play on Saturday. The funny part?  There was no way Antonio Brown was playing on Saturday, whether he had a concussion or not...Neither were any of the other Steelers. Mainly due to the fact that Pittsburgh was scheduled to play the Denver Broncos on Sunday. Derp.

FUN FACT: Antonio wasn't faking it. Not only did he not play against Denver, but they lost big time. 
​
​Keep it Classy Cincinnati!! 

See Ya later, Suck Town!!!
If I had asked you a couple weeks ago what the worst place in the US to be a Sports Fan would be, you'd probably undoubtedly say Cleveland. Why wouldn't you? The city is so bad that Lebron's hairline is leaving in droves since he refuses to. But there is actually a shittier place that Cleveland for Sports. Yes, the NFL just announced that 3 teams not named the Jacksonville Jaguars wanted to move to LA, and the lucky fan base losing it's team is city of St. Louis.
​
Anyways - here are a list of all the 7 teams that have played and died in St Louis
BASKETBALL -

• Hawks - played in St Luis from 1955-1968, until they left for the bright lights of a less racially charged city - Atlanta.
• Bombers - Played 4 seasons 1946-1950 before deciding it would rather dissolve than play another game in that shitty town

HOCKEY

• Eagles - Had a long career in Ottowa Canada from 1917-1934. Lasted 1 year in St Luis and decided to call it quits.

BASEBALL

• Browns - Born in 1901, the longest tenured team in St Luis history, moved to Baltimore to become the Orioles in 1953

NFL

• All-Stars - Started in 1920 in Chicago, moved there and died in 1923
• Cardinals - Set up home there from 1960-1987 before heading out to Phoenix to keep sucking
• Rams - Started in Cleveland in 1936, moved to LA from '45-94, then limped on in St Luis until this pat year. So Sad.

St Louis Ram's Owner Stan Kroenke has decided. to take his team to bigger and brighter pastures of LA - where NFL teams go to die. LA has hosted and lost 4 teams throughout history, and the main reasons teams left - There were problems with filling all of the 90,000-plus seats in the Coliseum to avoid a television blackout in the Los Angeles area.One of those teams that failed there: the Rams.  

​Basically LA in the NFL is the abusive boyfriend you keep going back to. If that boyfriend used you for merchandising rights, profits, and a way to extort millions from tax payers. 

KIND OF NEWS?
What a Bunch of Dicks
Unless you've been under a rock, you've probably heard of Phil's evil cousins out West - the "y'all Qaeda" militant terrorists holed up in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon.  Ready to stand their ground against the big bad government as long as possible, these heavily armed men thought of everything - everything except supplies that is. So naturally, they reached out to the internet to help. And once again, the internet delivered.

Unfortunately they didn't receive the supplies, and snacks they requested - but they did receive a clear message of what the American people think they could do to themselves.  Nope, no supplies - but they did get Dildos. Lots, and lots of dildos. Here's an awesome video of their leader Jon Ritzheimer, opening up all the goodies:

But I know what you're thinking...without the appropriate care and lubricant, one of those poor Militia Men could get hurt.  Well, don't worry, guys. Cards Against Humanity creator Max Temkin has it taken care of: he sent the militiamen 55 gallons of lube. So now, they can officially go F*Ck themselves.

Fun Fact: You too can "Tell that Special Someone in your Life to Eat a Bag of Dicks" by visiting http://shipabagofdicks.com/ . Thats $14 to send an Anonymous, rainbow colored, gummy bag of Dicks. You can also add glitter for $3 if you really want to start a war. 

Thanks to Fat Trost for the heads up!!

Crime Stinks
Rest easy friends, the Texas Butthole Tickling Bandit has been apprehended. In this  Totally true story , a man named Richard Hays has been terrorizing Dallas this past holiday season (my money was on Oggi being the bandit). The Anal Antagonizer eluded capture for three weeks,  terrorizing the anus' of dozens of men (yup, his targets were men) in the meantime.  One unnamed witness said "“I slept on my back everyday, I can finally sleep on my stomach again.”. We've all been there.

FAME of The WEEK
My Niece Tatiana
This past weekend Nicole and I enjoyed some company from my family in South Florida - as my "lil" Brother Bobblehead brought his whole clan up for the weekend. The reason for the visit? COLLEGE VISIT!!

In all seriousness, it was a great weekend and wonderful time with family. So proud of Tati - and I'm proud of my Ryan brother and his wife Maritza for that matter. All jokes aside, they're doing a hell of a job as parents, and they're raising some amazing kids. 

SHAME of THE WEEK
Doctor Fingers McBundus
Allegedly last Saturday night at Mrs Ogburatta’s Birthday extravaganza, before the party headed on over to Panchos, a few of the usual suspects went to the bar to grab a couple more tequila shots (which were clearly needed and always a good idea). Bundy, Oggi, and couple others "allegedly"  took a shot.

A few moments later, both knee deep in different conversations, Bundy "allegedly" turned back to Oggi, handed him the same shot Oggi had just taken (that had his discarded lime laying in the shot glass) and said “Here, lets split this one.”

​Thinking Bundy was kidding at first, but quickly realized he was just fucked up. Oggi agreed, took the shot glass (again, with discarded lime just sitting in it), put it to his lips, and pretended to take half a shot. He then handed it to Bundy who "allegedly"  put it to his lips and tilted his head all the way back to drink the fuck out of that “non-shot”, shot.

Then, with authority, Bundy "allegedly" looked at Oggi - dead in the eyes, said "Ha!", slammed the shot glass down on the bar, and turned back around to finish his conversation where he left off. 
​
Not sure if that’s a Shame or a Fame, but definitely "allegedly" hilarious.

THE END
Well, that's all I got this week. Thanks for sticking with it this morning, hopefully I didn't ramble on too long and you still have enough time to enjoy this wonderful Monday morning in all its glory.

Be sure to leave any praise, complaints, suggestions or comments below - as well as recommendations for the next Cage Match if you want to see me suffer through something specific. I'll work on getting these out in a more efficient and timely manner over the next few weeks. No promises though!!

Thanks again, Hope you all have a great day & a wonderful week!!

Jokes aside, I hope you all are enjoying all the wonderful things the New Year has to offer - New Jobs (looking at you el Toro), New Loves (looking at you EScott) and New Life (looking in the mirror with my wonderful wife). Yup, 2016 is off to a good start and hopefully the awesomeness will continue for the next 51 weeks!

Now I took a couple weeks off to get fat and happy over the Holidays, but the Corner is back and hopefully better than ever...well at least part of that is true. Most of this is still just nonsense - but as long as you get a couple chuckles then I'm happy to keep doing this.  Now there's alot to cover, so I'll end the intro here and get on to the reason you're here...Memes!! 

**DISCLAIMER** Since I took a couple weeks off, I crammed a ton in here, so it's a bit longer than usual. #sorryimnotsorry

RESOLUTIONS
Before I jump back into the regular rountine of the Corner, I wanted to touch briefly on Resolutions since it is a New Year. Some of my past resolutions included eventually moving off of Bundy & Trost's couch, binge watching Breaking Bad, losing weight, giving up drinking, tricking Nicole into marrying me, and becoming Batman. With a little persistence and a ton of help from my friends I've been able to accomplish MOST of those goals - very thankful for 2 out of the last 3 (maybe this will be my Batman year...)

So this time I decided I would shoot for something a little more difficult. I feel like one thing missing from my life is Culture - and that's what I intend to remedy this year. So after much discussion with my good friend Mark aka "The Grinder" aka 🐒💨...I decided to immerse myself in Classic American Cinema, and become knowledgeable on all things pertaining to one of our countries' National Treasures - Nicholas Cage.

Over the next 26 weeks leading to the birth of my daughter I will be viewing and reviewing the works of this American icon. But I'm not going for your average, award-winning/socially acceptable Nic Cage performances - we're going for the Cage-iest performances...the weird and nuanced way that only Nic Cage can act. With over 80 films in his repertoire, there are more than enough performances to choose from. He's like the White Samuel L. Jackson (who he costarred with in Amos & Andrew)

​I will be rating them on Cage Rage, Cage Cut (Hairline) and Plot & Overall Cage-iness.. Then, at the end of the challenge, I will have an elimination Death Match, pitting the Cagiest performances against each other and crown a King Cage.

Either I finish this Challenge and arise victorious, or I get to the point where I can't take the Cage anymore and give up - giving him the victory. This will not be easy, and at times I may want to just quit - but I will be strong and I will prevail. Plus it will fill the void left by football once the playoffs are through. So without further adieu - I present a new segment I'd like to call...

THE CAGE MATCH -Two "Men" enter, One "Man" Wins

DEADFALL
For the 1st challenge, Mark suggested I go old school with a relatively unknown performance.from 1993. The film was written and directed by Christopher Coppola - nephew of famed director Francis Ford Coppola and the brother of our "hero" - Nicholas Kim Coppola (aka Nic Cage). Boasting a 3.7/10 on IMDB, this film marked what many believe to be the beginning of Cage's over-acting performances.

Set up like a bad detective noir film where the main character narrates and explains his every move, this film starts off just like I had expected...horribly. The story follows Joe - a Con man with a heart of Gold, who accidentally shoots his father in a con gone wrong, and immediately goes off the deep end depressed and drugged out for all of 2 minutes until his dad's funeral. Then he's all sober and right as rain. Then Joe goes down to Miami to find his Uncle he didn't know he had and that's where he meets Eddie - the coked out, fast talking, wig wearing, mustached Nic Cage. His main characteristics are calling everyone friend, or bay-bay, or saying "Viva la France bay-bay" and sweating a lot. Oh and he has a card trick where he makes you pick a card and its always the Joker, and he says "Hallelujah, Joker's Wild bay-bay". His best line is when he punches a random guy in the gut and screams "Hiy-F*ckin-Yah Man!!"
​
Here's a quick highlight reel that MUST be viewed...

Long Story short, Joe's Uncle Lou is his Dad's twin brother so it's played by the same character from before, who may or may not be his real father because they both slept with his mom. Eddie works for Uncle Lou as his "crazy enforcer"...gets jealous of Joe, and thinks Uncle Lou is sleeping with his girl, so he tries to kill him at a carnaval. But Joe saves the day just in time and dumps Nic Cage's face in a McDonald's fryer on grease burns his face off. And then things get weird. Charlie Sheen shows up with a goatee and a butler, plays pool with Joe and introduces him to his boss which is a guy that looks like he was a rejected villian from a bond movie. His name is Dr. Lime, but he has a claw hand and they call him Dr. Claw.  So Uncle Lou wants to con him, with Joe, and Joe narrates awful lines like "if this goes wrong its the kind of thing that sends you deep into the Shadows squinting for the truth.'" Oh, and I forgot to mention that he's sleeping with Nic Cage's girlfriend who looks like his mother. Anyways - so Uncle Lou gets shot in the same way his Dad gets shot, then it turns out his Dad is still alive and was behind it the whole time! And then he tries to shoot his dad but the gun has blanks, so he doesn't. And he walks away. The End.

CAGE CUT:
He's sporting a pretty awesome dumb and dumber-esque wig, which definitely comes off in the fight at the carnival. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts

Plot/Writing:
Putrid. This movie was hard to watch even for a Nic Cage movie. 1.5/5 Serious Cages

SPORTS
Since we left off, a lot has happened in the sports world. So much that I won't have time to cover it all without loosing the majority of you - so I'll just do a brief Re-Cap.

College Football
Bowl Season came and went - and aside from a few crazy games (TCU down 31-0 against Oregon going into 1/2, then coming back and winning 47-41 in double OT!!) the games were pretty hum drum and one-sided. Here're the highlights:

• FSU showed the world what a rebuilding year really looks like, getting embarrassed here in Atlanta by Houston (38-24)
• Florida managed to actually score a TD against the Michigan Wolverines in 2015 gator-esgue fashion losing (41-7)
• Georgia Bulldogs pulled a rabitt out of their asses and beat Penn State (24-17)
• Notre Dame finished a season with in shameful fashion against Urban Meyer an the Ohio State Buckeyes losing (44-28).
• Clemson dominated the Oklahoma Sooners and continued their Undefeated season winning (37-17)
• Alabama embarassed Michigan State Spartans and showed why they're still the best finishing (38-0)
• SEC dominated the bowl season and proved me wrong going 8-2 and showed the nation that they're still the best Conference in the land.

There were a ton of other games too, but who cares. Season's over and time to look on to September. Unless you're a Tiger or scream out Roll Tide. The National Championship is quickly approaching and it will have the Clemson Tigers vs the Alabama Crimson Tide in a head to head match up for dominance. ACC vs SEC. Undefeated vs Unrelenting. #1 vs #2. Breaking down the game, this should be a great one. Bama has the run game on lock with Heisman Winner Derrick Henry - but Clemson's offense is no joke with QB DeShaun Watson leading the charge. This game is going to be a battle that comes down to defense - but I give the edge to the Tigers on this one. If Clemson can stop the run (which I believe they can) they will win.I got Clemson taking it home this year

NFL
The regular season is now over. Quick rundown of what happened:

• Jaguars finished the season the way they started - as losers. 5-11. Damn it. And Headcoach Gus Bradley keeps his job.
• The Chip Kelley experiment in Philly is over. Eagles finish 8-8
• Colts and Falcons batted .500 going 8-8
• Rex Ryan managed to screw the Jets over 1 more time as the Bills beat the Jets and kept them out of the playoffs
• Greenbay lost to Minnesota on purpose so they wouldn't have to play the Seahawks
• Steelers snuck into the playoffs and everyone in the AFC is afraid. Seriously.

Congrats go to MussBuss on his Bengals and Ms Ogbaratta on her Steelers. and the Hunsuckers on Cam and the Panthers. At least we'll have a few teams to cheer for in the weeks to come!

Now that's out of the way, here comes the fun stuff.

This Pizza Tastes like Steroids
Papa Johns peddler and Fore-head Enthusiast Peyton Manning was accused of using Human Growth Hormone (HGH)  in a Documentary on Al Jazeera report. According to pharmacist and evil villain in a bad detective novel Charlie Sly, Peyton received HGH from the Guyer Clinic in Indianapolis. Peyton of course vehemently denied the allegations and said the story was “completely fabricated, complete trash, garbage,” and he dismissed Sly as a “slapstick.”. After a little bit of digging, turns out the tattle-tale in question actually
may or may not have just been an intern for the Guyer Clinic in 2013, and was not working there when Manning supposedly got his goodies - Sly also said he was wrong to name Peyton. So case closed? Not really. Turns out the New York Times  went all investigative  on the situation and dug themselves. In regards to Sly, they discovered Nearly all of the athletes he named are clients of Jason Riley, a fitness trainer based in Sarasota, Fla.,” Powell wrote. “Here is where the story of Charles Sly becomes more intriguing. Sly is a business partner of Riley’s. When Sly applied for a pharmacist license in Florida, he used Riley’s home address.” Does that mean Peyton's guilty? Prob not. Is it suspicious? Absolutely. And although we all love ol' 5-Head Manning, if we're being honest, the guy literally BROKE HIS NECK, sat out 1 season and returned a year later to have the Greatest Season in his Career. I personally don't care if injects stem cells directly into that ginormous brow of his - he's an athlete and it's entertaining when he's healthy. The Double standard is funny though - Tom Brady farts and it's investigated by Roger Goodell..Poor Tom Brady.

Cleveland: Ohio's Armpit
Everytime I start to think it's hard to be a Jags fan, I remind myself that Cleveland somehow still has a football team and remember that things could be worse. Way Worse. How bad have the Browns been in the last 17 years? Try a .320 winning percentage with one playoff appearance. Finishing the season 3-13, the Browns have fired Headcoach Mike Petitine - making that the 4th headcoach fired in 6 seasons. They also got rid of GM Ray Farmer...the brainchild who drafted Trent Richardson, Brandon Weedon & Johnny Manziel. So now they've decided to try something new - and hired Brian DePodesta. That name sound familiar? It should if you like baseball, because that's where he's been working for the last 19 years. Yes DePodesta is the real life baseball nerd Jonah Hill was playing in the movie "MoneyBall". Yea...so there's that.

 Speaking of Manziel...

My Friends call me Billy
Johnny Manziel (aka The Biggest Douche in NFL History) made headlines recently - and of course it was all off-field issues. While supposedly out for a Concussion, Johnny Football was not slated to start for the Browns in their last game of the season against the Steelers. He was required, however, to report daily and undergo medical examinations as per NFL Concussion Protocol. Well the fun started Tuesday 12/29/15 when Johnny (who went to rehab earlier in the season to keep his job) showed up “disheveled and inebriated” to practice. After being sent home for being drunk, he cleaned up his act for a couple days then went back to form and no-call no-showed for his Sunday morning 9 am evaluation with the team doctors. Turns out Johnny had a fun night. He started off laying down a good alibi by posting a pic of him and his dog by the fire on Instagram saying "My Saturday night"...then proceed to (Allegedly) hope on a private Jet to Las Vegas to bro-out Johnny Football style...because he literally could not wait 1 week for the season to be over. Once in Vegass, Johnny (Allegedly) donned disguise to allow him to party his ass off in Sin City. The disguise? A Blonde Wig and Fake Blonde Mustache. His Alias? "Billy Manziel". Flawless.Just...Flawless. Sounds like something out of an Adam Sandler movie.  So basically he's done in Cleveland and no surprise here - Jerry Jones has interest in him becoming a Cowboy.  

NOT NECESSARILY THE NEWS
PUTIN is Soviet for SEXY 
​Russian Dictator...er.."President" Vladimir Putin is a modern day John Wayne...if John Wayne were a communist that hates homosexuals, smiling and Capitalism. And the Russians can't get enough of their Commie Cowboy. They seriously love the guy - he's got an 80% approval rating over there. And in an effort to give the people what they want,  Putin released a limited edition 2016 calendar featuring different sexy Putin Poses for each month. My personal favorites are:

March:

And July:

The best part is, it's sold over 200,000 copies! Take note Obama - this is how you win the people over - shirtless Calendars!!

Check out my Camel Toe
While Steve Harvey was over here in the US ruining the Miss Universe Pageant and sullying the sacred tradition of Judging women on Beauty and ability to wear a bikini and evening gown on stage, our friends in the Middle East had a little Beauty contest of their own. Men from Oman, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the Emirates gathered at Al Dhafra Festival—an annual meeting best known for its Camel Mazayna, or "Annual Camel Beauty Contest". In what is totally too good to be true, Men gather at the festival which runs through the last week of December to  parade their finest Camels for best-in-show events, and prizes are given for the fastest, "milkiest," and most beautiful creatures. Prizes total in the amount of (I shit you not) $14.9 Million. And they take this super serious and only want Natural Beauties. According to the entrant's handbook "Camels that are found with drugs in the lips, shaved, dyed in any parts of the body, or with changes from natural form are not allowed."  The winners are treated to a life of pampering and prestige - while the losing and less fortunate camels are (still not making this up) served for dinner. 

I'm Dying to try this Perfume
When preparing for the eventual Zombie Apocolypse, there are a few things you need to remember. 1 - Always shoot them in the head. 2 - Be very, very quiet. 3 - They detect you through scent. Now historically, the 1st two things have been factors that survivors can control - but the 3rd has always been a bit tricky. In order to go un-detected you have to smell like them - which means you have to kill them, gut them, and drape your body in their entrails. And who has time for that?!?

Well lucky for us, that 3rd factor may no longer be an issue. Raychelle Burks, a chemist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, has identified the chemicals that she says could protect you during a zombie attack, by making you smell just like them - basically a Zombie Perfume that gives off that fresh death scent. According to Burks "We want to disguise ourselves, blend in with the surroundings… We need to cover up our natural scent to fool this environment. We need to smell like zombies,"  Right now, she’s working on producing enough ‘death stench’ chemicals for commercial use, but hopefully will have something by the time the zombie apocalypse comes - which it obviously will.. "We do not want to be testing in the middle of a zombie apocalypse," she says.  "We want to know we have something that works (by then)."
Fun Fact: This research is actually being funded! (Still no cure for Cancer)

 
WEEKEND EVENTS
A little birdy told me that this weekend is the Birthday of Oggi's better-half - Ms Ogburatta! I think she's turning anywhere between 19-72, if I'm not mistaken. Not so good with "Math" or "Numbers". Not sure what's on the agenda for Friday, but it will probably involve some sort of Happy Hour in the Dresden area....if I had to guess. 

Sat kicks off some funstivites at Bowl-o-Rama or Fun-time Bowl (one of those is made up and I can't remember which one) to be followed by dirty, regretful drinks and dining at Buford Highway's most prestigious Mexican restaurant Panchos. Yes Panchos - Come for the Tacos, leave with the diarrhea! 

Also happening this weekend are the NFL Wild Card Playoff games - Saturdays games are
AFC Wild Card Game 1: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Houston Texans, at 4:35 p.m.,on ESPN
AFC Wild Card Game 2: Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals, at 8:15 p.m., on CBS

• Game 1 - No Brain-er. KC all the way.
• Game 2 - this is a little tougher. Dalton's finger healed and he should get the start...if he does, I think the Bengals will finally break the streak and win a playoff game for the 1st time since 1991. If they start AJ Maccaron...the Steelers will be winning all the way to the AFC Championship game. 

Sunday's line up is
NFC Wild Card Game 1: Seattle Seahawks vs. Minnesota Vikings, at 1:05 p.m., NBC
NFC Wild Card Game 2: Green Bay Packers vs. Washington, at 4:40 p.m., FOX

• Game 1 - Seahawks (duh)...
• Game 2 - Kirk Cousins takes out Greenbay. Washington has been on fire lately and Rodgers and the Packers have looked awful this season..

Lastly - the National Championship Monday Night - Clemson vs Alabama...Tigers all the way, going 15-0. 


FAMES of the WEEK
Since it's the end of the regular season, The Fames of the Week go to the Champions of Fantasy this season! AJJ and Yours Truly!!

AJJ's team Upper Decker fought her way to the top and won the girl's league - The Trophy Wives Club. In what has to be the most pathetic final score in the history of Fantasy Football, AJJ beat out Sacks in the City by just .28 pts. But hey, a win's a win! She takes home the trophy, the money and the bragging rights!! Atleast 1 Johnson family member knows how to play Fantasy!! Way to go, Gangsta!!

SHAME of the WEEK
The Glitter Queen of the House TyDell
Since there the Corner took a two week break to celebrate the Holidays, I thought that I wouldn't get the pleasure of awarding Ms TyDell this Shame because I assumed the situation would have been rectified...but alas, she had no such luck!!

Before Christmas, at the Manor in LaBundy Hills, Ms TyDell wore a Fantabulous Glitter Gown. She looked lovely. But as many of you know, Glitter has a tendency to get on EVERYTHING it comes within a 5 mile radius of...and it doesn't die. Once there, it's there for life. It's like the Herpes of the Fashion industry. Well at LaBundy Hills, against her better judgement, the Glitter Queen took a seat on their newly acquired sofa...and by the time she got up it was so sparkly you'd think a Unicorn Farted Fairy Dust all over it. Glitter. EVERYWHERE. 

So here we are, 5 weeks later and there are still traces of the Glittering that took place. For Shame Ms TyDell - For SHAME!!!
Fun Fact: She plans on wearing it to the wedding next month and give out Free Hugs!!

Well that's enough rambling for this edition - thanks for stopping by and reading this nonsense. If you enjoyed it or had any complaints please feel free and comment below (all the cool kids comment). Also if you have any suggestions for the Corner you can bring it up below or under the Topics section. Lastly if you have a Nic Cage movie you think I should suffer through then let me know - the Cage-ier the better!!

Thanks again, Hope this kicks your Friday off right!! Have a Great Day and Wonderful weekend!!