Good Morning & Happy Wednesday!!

Welcome Back to another addition of my once weekly non-sense. Despite a few theories circulating that I retired the Corner rather than face Nic Gage another week, that is not the case. I did, however come down with a bad case of "Fuck it, I'll do it tomorrow"...but thankfully I think I've made a full recovery.

Since I was self-diagnosed with such a severe case of the "who gives a shits", much has happened that I didn't cover: The Bundys FINALLY made it official, Ol' Five Head won the Super Bowl, two holidays passed us by, and our baby started kicking and hasn't stopped since. Oh yea, and the racist orangutan that rhymes with Dump still keeps winning in the polls, and Yeezus hit Twitter to beg for $53 million to get our of debt. There, all caught up.

Now that we're all up to speed, sit back, relax and prepare to procrastinate a bit with me this lovely Wednesday morning. Oh, and thanks in advance for stopping by - hope this brightens your surely dismal day just a bit 😉.

SPORTS
Well unfortunately I really don't have much to report this week. There is no football. The NFL Combine started this week - but nothing worth reporting here. Don't care too much about the NBA until the Finals, and March Madness is still a few weeks away....so, I GUESS the ONLY thing I feel I should mention is Ol' Five-Head MAY have violated some poor UT trainer's ForeHead with his Pigskins and laid his Manning on the top of her noggin. In Laymen's terms - he gave her a Sleepy Cosby. **ALLEGEDLY** Is it true? Not sure & really don't care - just wanted a reason to use this meme:

CAGE MATCH - Comic Book Edition

GHOST-RIDER 2: SPIRIT of VENGEANCE
With the recent success of darker toned Comic Book movies - most notably this year's Deadpool - my lovely brother Bobblehead thought it would be funny if I suffered through the 2011 Cage "Classic" I just endured. Although you may not have guessed this with such a deceivingly clever title, this Marvel Comics inspired film holds a 4.3/10 on IMBD and an amazingly generous 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Here's a tasty little treat of what to expect from this film:

While I never got around to seeing the first installment of this franchise, it wasn't to hard to follow the deep Shakespearean plot. Cage plays Johnny Blaze - a thrill seeking motorcycle stuntman that makes a deal with the Devil to save his dying father. Basically he signs away his soul and becomes a harbinger of death - The Ghost Rider. What is a Ghost Rider you ask? Well According to Wikipedia, he is a vengeful antihero whose:

"Flesh becomes consumed by HellFire, causing his head to become a Flaming Skull. He rides a fiery motorcycle, and wields trademark blasts of hellfire from his Skeletal Hands"

Oh and he fights bad guys with a big heavy enchanted chain that - you guessed it - is covered in flames. Genius.

Lucky for me, this one was only an hour & 1/2 long - but the basic gist of it was the Devil had a baby with a gypsy, and wanted to kidnap him so that he could trade bodies and be more powerful than he already was. It also has Idris Elba as a weird kind of French guy that may or may not have been cross-eyed, and the guy that played highlander all covered in tattoos who I guess was supposed to be a monk? So basically he is saving the antichrist and his gypsy mom.

Oh and if you're wondering (as I'm sure you are) what it would look like if he had to pee - well you're in luck cause they show that too:

Fun Fact: This was actually a reboot. Except that it had the same actors, playing the same roles, acknowledging the events of the 1st film. But yea, SONY deemed it a remake (I guess to slip it past the decision makers when the 1st film flopped)


CAGE RAGE
Cage's acting of the "tortured man" that changes into a demon really falls flat here. Where he shines is when he is fighting the transformation and he says things like "I Will Eat Your Soul!!". And when his head's on fire. But that was CGI, unfortunately the method actor didn't give this one the full 100% and light his real head on fire - but I'm sure he considered it. 3/5 Cage Rages

CAGE CUT
Nothing really spectacular here - but he did go as natural and bravely flaunted the ever-rescinding hairline which he now sports in real life. Gave him an extra point for bravery - plus the fire thing. Even with the extra points, still only a 2/5 for Cage Cuts

PLOT/PLAUSIBILITY
While in the land of make believe which comics exist - a flaming skull faced dude with a taste for souls isn't THAT far-fetched. However despite all this and recent comic book movies that find that mix of entertainment and good storyline, this one managed to make the film even more ridiculous than the premise. Just awful. 2/5 in this category as well.

OVERALL CAGINESS
This film had it ALL (Except a coherent plot, Decent CGI, average even mediocre acting and any overall direction). So yea, this one was bad. But not in the laughable Cage-y way I've grown to love...just like uncomfortably rough - like one, long, excruciatingly painful kick to the groin. And that's owing from a Nerd that General Loves Comic Book Movies. Give this one a generous 2.5/5 on the CAGINESS Scale.

You'll pay for this Ryan.

NEWS -
**Disclaimer** This edition's news had its mind in the gutter. Lots of cock talk and butt stuff ahead. I don't make the news, I just make fun of it. #sorryimnotsorry.


MEIN MICRO-PENIS?
It was revealed this week that the biggest dick in Human History was probably overcompensating for his incredibly tiny Fuhrer. Yup - according to Historians at Oxford, Hitler had a tiny baby Penis. No wonder he was so angry all the time. To be more accurate, the mustachioed bastard had what is known as "Penile Hypospadias - a rare condition in which the urethra opens on the under side of the penis, causing the man to have a Micro-Penis." He also had an under ending testicle and was a Never-Nude (someone so ashamed of their body that they will never allow themselves to be seen nude by anyone). See, History can be fun!!

THIS SAUSAGE TASTES LIKE DICK
You know what's delicious? Waffles. Even Better? Sausages cooked inside a waffle. Even better? If it was shaped like a dick. No? Well if you don't think that's a great idea, then you're not alone. Neither did the hundreds of patrons & families attending the Jonker Walk Night Market in Malacca, Malaysia. Last week a clever food vendor thought it would be pretty ingenious to make a small, anatomically correct cock-shaped waffle dog you eat with your bare hands. While I have to hand it to this man's marketing prowess (everyone is talking about it...at least in Malaysia), I do have to say that this may have been the worst place to introduce such a delicacy. See, not only was this introduced at the yearly street market that is a well recognized family friendly festival surrounding the Lunar New Year - but it was also introduced in a country that has penalties for homosexual acts that can range from a public whipping to up to 20 years imprison. So maybe the phallic shaped eats wasn't the best idea. Although the vendor pledged to never make such a horrible mistake again, the city council issued a stiff, firm, long lasting penalty of being banned from the festival for life.

ANAL SEX: It's just not for Pussies...
Having fixed all other problems in Michigan such as the crippling debt, Flint Water Crisis, and the death of the American Dream - lawmakers in the Mitten State decided to focus their efforts where the sun don't shine. Rather than address one of the other thousand way more important issues facing the residents of the state (and by thousands I'm referring to the estimated 8,000 men, women and children effected by the poisoning of the water supply by their own government) the great minds behind Republican Governor Rick Snyder decided to outlaw butt-sexy...or sodomy if you want to doll up the term. The Bill's language states:

“A person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature [sodomy] either with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment for not more than 15 years…”

To each his own, in my opinion. Your life, you do what makes you happy and I don't think it's anyone's right to tell you how to live as long as your not endangering your self or others. That being said, this is still pretty crazy. Besides grouping beastialty / animal rape in with anal sex, the insanity of this move is made even more outrageous by the fact that
1) Michigan already has a sodomy ban and
2) the ban is completely pointless. The 2003 Supreme Court case of Lawrence vs. Texas declared sodomy bans unconstitutional in all states.


Oh, and also the fact that there is absolutely, 100% NO POSSIBLE WAY TO ENFORCE THIS. Unless of course, you admit it. Which, along with this law - would make really no sense at all. Well Done Michigan, Well done.

MEME of the WEEK

FAME of the WEEK
My Furry Best Buddy Rudy!!
Besides being my faithful companion, confidant, and continuous shadow - Rudy has won over the hearts over everyone he meets. He is more than a dog - he is people, and is the best lil buddy you could ever ask for. But if you've ever met him, I'm not telling you anything you probably don't already know. But the reason he gets the FAME this week is because he is finally being recognized for his awesomeness and earned the much coveted Dog of the Month at Central Bark! Besides having an awesomely pun-y name, Central Bark is basically a doggie Day Care were I take the boys a couple times a week to let them socialize and play with other pups. Yes, they are spoiled - and if I do this for my dogs, imagine what I'll for my daughter. I'm such a push over. Anyways - congrats Rudy!! Not sure if he can read, but I'll be sure to let him know he earned this title in the morning.

SHAME of the WEEK
The Driveway Delivery Destroyer - The MussBuss
Poor Jamie. She works so hard raising their little supermodel, working full time, and being a good wife to the MussBuss - all the while carrying their second lil bundle of joy. Basically juggling 3 jobs at once. And like many working moms, she finds little time to make it out and do something that makes her happy - like shop. So what does she do? What most of America does and order things online at her convenience. And all she wants to do is come home after a long day and open up one of those deliveries that she has been anxiously waiting for. That's not too much to ask, is it? Well apparently, it is. Because for her happy lil Roswell Residence, any deliveries are as good as roadkill once Pedro gets behind the wheel. If you think this sounds familiar - you'd be correct - The MussBuss was shamed last year for for continuously backing up with out looking behind him and destroying deliveries left and right as he flys out the garage at warp speed. Unfortunately, sometimes one shaming isn't enough - so this is more of an intervention. We're worried about you Pedro. Maybe your truck is too high - maybe we could switch you to a practical midsize vehicle with a back up camera. Or maybe it's a vision issue - can you see back there? Would a booster seat help to see over the steering wheel and into the rear view mirror? Or maybe drivers Ed? Say the word and a GoFundme Page will be up in your honor big guy. Either way, we hear your cry for help, and we're here for you buddy.

THE END
Well that's about all I have for this week. Thanks again for stopping by, I hope you enjoyed the time you wasted here this morning. In the upcoming weeks I will be a bit more diligent in the postings, but there will also be a few changes to the site and new segments to be coming soon - as well as possibly splitting this up ( a few voices have mentioned these may ramble on a wee bit too long sometimes).


That being said, please feel free to comment below (highly encouraged) suggest anything you'd like to see, a Cage Match you'd like me to take on, or anyone you'd like to nominate for FAME/SHAME of the week.


Hope this nonsense brightens your day just a bit. Thanks and have a great day and a wonderful rest of the week!!

Good Morning & Happy Tuesday!

"Ok campers, Rise & Shine - and don't forget your booties' cause it's cooooold out there!"  Well, not really, but felt that intro was the only way to start this week's  "special" edition of the Corner. What makes it "special"? Well it's a National Holiday for one! And two, it's also "special" in that slow, lovable dumb / "I-pity-you" way like Brendan Dassey from Making a Murderer. But back to my point - today is Groundhog's Day - the age old tradition of the country turning it's attention to a jittery, inconsistent weather forecasting "rat" to determine if the seasons are officially changing. It's Science.

Regardless the outcome, one thing's for sure - I'm probably watching the Bill Murray classic tonight.

Personal plans for tonight aside, thank you all for checking back in for a little bit of humor today. Hope you all had a great week, and a somewhat easy to handle Monday. Glad I could be a part of your day and hope these chuckles help get you through the week!

SPORTS
2016 Pro Bowl
This past weekend the NFL's Best and brightest that didn't make it to the Super Bowl gathered in sunny Hawaii for a televised game of two hand touch football. It's hardly worth watching. But I did. Mainly to see FSU greats Jameis Winston & Devonta Freeman light it up for Team Irvin - along with Jaguars standout AR15 Allen Robinson tear up Team Rice's Defense. In their first Pro Bowl appearances, Jameis threw for 2 TDs, Devonta rushed for 1 TD, and Robinson led the  Pro Bowl in yards with 105 yards & 1 TD (despite only 2 receptions). Pretty cool to see these guys get recognized for their talent and get voted to their 1st Pro Bowl!! Except they weren't...not really  (except Devonta). Jameis & Robinson were replacements, with a record number of players RSVPing "No Thanks" this year.  Yup the Pro Bowl did NOT include such stars as Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Andy Dalton, Drew Brees, and Phillip Rivers. Apparently the risk of getting hurt isn't worth the trip to Hawaii for the fans. Pussies. 

SUPER BOWL 50
Well, this is it - the final game until the fall. This Sunday Super Bowl 50 will be held in San Francisco, CA - where ol' 5-Head goes up against possibly his greatest threat to date besides Father Time...Super SCam Newton. The Panthers have been on a tear this year - going 17-1 and making it look fun. The Broncos on the other hand have defied all odds as the Old Manning has limped on the field week after week and led this team to a remarkable finish with the help of an incredibly stout defense led by Von Miller. If the Panthers win, they TIE a best record over a 19-game season with the 85' Bears (when the Miami Dolphins went undefeated in 1972, they only had to win 17 games). If the Broncos pull this off, it will give Peyton Manning the happy ending to an illustrious, amazing career. My thoughts? Although Panthers look unbeatable and everyone from Vegas to the Madden Video game predicts them to pull this out, I'm going for our HGH Hero to pull it off one last time.  I'm a sucker for the under-dog.

CAGE MATCH: The Battle Continues

WILD at HEART
This week's Cage Match drove me into the deepest, darkest corner of the Cage-verse in the greatest test of this experiment to date. Truth be told, I had never heard of this movie before my good buddy Grinder pointed me in it's direction. Boasting an incredibly generous 7.3/10 on IMBD and a 65% on RottenTomatoes, this film made me question my life choices and what led me to question my thought process on why I thought this Movie Marathon was a good idea. Written and directed by the uber-creepy David Lynch (the weird dude behind Twin Peaks), the film follows our "hero" Cage in a low-rent Bonnie & Clyde without the coolness meets Fear & Loathing without the heavy drug use,  but just as much oddities. Cage plays Sailor Ripley, who talks like a slow witted Elvis Impersonator and wears a Snake Skin Jacket that "is a symbol of my individuality, and my belief... in personal freedom."  But a line like that is best experienced...

The "Bonnie"  to his "Clyde" is played by a 23 year old Laura Dern - or the chick from Jurassic Park. She has great lines like "You got me hotter than Georgia Asphalt" and "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top". You know it's a good movie when they work the title of the film into obscure dialogue in the movie not once but twice. The whole movie they're on the run from Dern's crazy mom that hired a hit man on them to kill Cage...and they work in the Wizard of Oz, the Yellow Brick Road, and Elvis Songs in-between punk music. Oh yea - they also love to Kung Fu Dance in the desert...

All in all, this movie was pretty awful. Horrible in fact - and painful. I genuinely feel dumber having watched this film. So, all in all, a perfect Cage Classic. 

CAGE RAGE:
This movie had all the qualities of a great Cage Rage performance. Bad Southern Elvis accent he forgets he using throughout the film? Check. Beating a man to death in the opening scene? Check. Crazy Kung-Fu Desert Dancing? Big F*cking Check. We got a high score here with 4/5 Cage Rages.

CAGE CUT:
This may be one of his last performances before the great hairline decline of the 90s. Not wild, but not bad. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:
I felt like I was tripping balls watching this film. Made no damn sense, and not entirely sure I didn't just dream the whole thing. -  1.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Strong performance on the Cage Rage -  and the  weirdness factor/lack of believability actually help bump this one up to an impressive 4/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

​HOLIDAY SCHMOLIDAY
As previously mentioned, today is Groundhog's Day- a totally necessary holiday were a large rodent predicts the change of seasons. Made famous by the 1993 Bill Murray classic film of the same name,  we all "celebrate" (ok we don't celebrate it , but we're aware it exists) but not many people know why or how this is still a thing. As the story goes, if the Groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil (of Punxsatawney, PA), sees his shadow on Feb 2 then we're stuck with six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, we luck out with an early spring. The tradition dates back to 1887 mixing a hodge-podge of weirdness from ancient European Lore, Catholic tradition of Candlemas Day, and (of course) a Pagan tradition known as Imbolc.  While initially the tradition started with a badger or sacred bear predicting the weather, it morphed into the Groundhog for the American version -because why not right? Not to be out done, Texas celebrates this already crazy holiday in its own way, re-naming it Armadillo Day - because again, why not. But weather prediction isn't the rodent's only super power - Punxsutawney Phil  now has the ability to text weather predictions to you directly -  Just text "Groundhog" to 247365 on Groundhog Day and he'll get right back to you.  Surprisingly, the Rodent is about as accurate as real meteorologists, boasting a 39% accuracy rating. 

FUN FACT: Although Groundhogs only have a life span of 6-8 years, Punxsutawney Phil is 125 years old because he drinks a special magic elixar that he drinks every summer.

INTERNATIONAL NONSENSE
Ji-Hotties are Da Bomb
Looking for that special someone that shares your love for Allah as well as your severe hatred of Western Culture? ​Too busy fighting the great Satan to find that special someone to settle down with? Well look no further, because you can find that special Ji-Hottie of your dreams with the new ISIS themed dating site. And what exactly is a Ji-Hottie? "The Jihotties refers to men who are displaying their masculinity, showing what heroes they are, and how amazing they are, as good Muslim men who appear and are willing to fight," So Basically this is like Tinder & Match mixed for ISIS enthusiasts - and not just Goats!! Boasting testimonials such as "After a few minutes, I flip my niqab. He looked at me. Our eyes catch each others'. I had palpitation that is faster than the speed of light," and "She found Allah and lived happily ever after" its an ISIS themed speed dating site promises an almost perfect life for the women and their jihadist. They are being offered free housing, healthcare and cars, among others. That, and a life of servitude, Sharia Law, and basic abandonment of all human rights. It's almost too good to be true!!
​
FUN FACT: This was not an article on the Onion. it's real, and hilarious.

​PANDAMONIUM
In what is hands down the greatest job on the planet (looking at you Cassie), the Giant Panda Protection and Research Center in China hires Panda-Nannies whose jobs are to give Pandas hugs 365 days a year.  Yes you read that right.  

You too can get paid the equivalent of $32,000 a year to hug pandas, as "Your work has only one mission. Spending 365 days with the pandas and sharing in their joys and sorrows." ​One of the purposes of this panda nanny program - besides making you hate your job more - is to increase awareness of and interest in pandas. You win this round Communism.

​MEME of the WEEK

​FAME of the WEEK
The New 300
Changing gears a bit and branching out to the real world outside our friends group, this week's Fame goes to the 300 Plumbers from unions across the country descended on Flint to install new faucets and water filters for free. Unless you've been living under a rock, Flint, Michigan is facing a severe health crisis and failure of their government as  thousands of people in Flint have been exposed to unsafe levels of lead in their water. The 300 mentioned belong to the United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing and Pipe Fitting Industry. While it does not come close to solving the crisis, it was an incredibly admirable and self less act that should be celebrated.

​SHAME of the WEEK
B.O.B
One-hit rap wonder and the pride of Decatur, GA Bobby Ray Simmons Jr aka B.o.B. hit the twittersphere this past week to call out all the sheeple that buy into the lie that the Earth is round.  It all started with a a tweet where the "Artist" dared the public to answer how the world can be round if the background of his picture is flat (seen here):

Soon after the internet erupted in all it's glory, pointing out the High School Graduate's gross scientific illiteracy. After much back and forth on twitter, none other than Neil deGrasse Tyson joined in to point out his ignorance. What ensued was the greatest Hip-Hop rivalry since Biggie and Tupac - with both B.o.B AND deGrasse Tyson dropping Dis-tracks  (click on this if you have the time).  In the end, it was a close call but Tyson's argument (as well as irrefutable scientific  evidence) proved too much for the Rapper, and the world will continue to believe the conspiracy that the World is not Flat.

FUN FACT: He is also a Holocaust denier. Soo...yeah.

THE END
Well, that's about all for this week. Thanks for tuning in once again to read my ramblings. Any suggestions, feedback, comments please make sure to voice below - and if you have any recommendations for a Cage Match or a FAME/SHAME of the week, send it on my way!!

Special shout out to the Bundys, who are enjoying their final week as a our favorite engaged couple. This weekend she'll finally make an honest man out of our local Fashionista Senior Bundus!! Can't wait to celebrate this weekend!!!

Thanks again reading, I hope this brought a couple laughs to your day.  That's all I got this week - have a great rest of the day and a wonderful week!!