Good Morning & Happy Wednesday!!
Welcome Back to another addition of my once weekly non-sense. Despite a few theories circulating that I retired the Corner rather than face Nic Gage another week, that is not the case. I did, however come down with a bad case of "Fuck it, I'll do it tomorrow"...but thankfully I think I've made a full recovery.
Since I was self-diagnosed with such a severe case of the "who gives a shits", much has happened that I didn't cover: The Bundys FINALLY made it official, Ol' Five Head won the Super Bowl, two holidays passed us by, and our baby started kicking and hasn't stopped since. Oh yea, and the racist orangutan that rhymes with Dump still keeps winning in the polls, and Yeezus hit Twitter to beg for $53 million to get our of debt. There, all caught up.
Now that we're all up to speed, sit back, relax and prepare to procrastinate a bit with me this lovely Wednesday morning. Oh, and thanks in advance for stopping by - hope this brightens your surely dismal day just a bit 😉.
Well unfortunately I really don't have much to report this week. There is no football. The NFL Combine started this week - but nothing worth reporting here. Don't care too much about the NBA until the Finals, and March Madness is still a few weeks away....so, I GUESS the ONLY thing I feel I should mention is Ol' Five-Head MAY have violated some poor UT trainer's ForeHead with his Pigskins and laid his Manning on the top of her noggin. In Laymen's terms - he gave her a Sleepy Cosby. **ALLEGEDLY** Is it true? Not sure & really don't care - just wanted a reason to use this meme:
CAGE MATCH - Comic Book Edition
GHOST-RIDER 2: SPIRIT of VENGEANCE
With the recent success of darker toned Comic Book movies - most notably this year's Deadpool - my lovely brother Bobblehead thought it would be funny if I suffered through the 2011 Cage "Classic" I just endured. Although you may not have guessed this with such a deceivingly clever title, this Marvel Comics inspired film holds a 4.3/10 on IMBD and an amazingly generous 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Here's a tasty little treat of what to expect from this film:
While I never got around to seeing the first installment of this franchise, it wasn't to hard to follow the deep Shakespearean plot. Cage plays Johnny Blaze - a thrill seeking motorcycle stuntman that makes a deal with the Devil to save his dying father. Basically he signs away his soul and becomes a harbinger of death - The Ghost Rider. What is a Ghost Rider you ask? Well According to Wikipedia, he is a vengeful antihero whose:
"Flesh becomes consumed by HellFire, causing his head to become a Flaming Skull. He rides a fiery motorcycle, and wields trademark blasts of hellfire from his Skeletal Hands"
Oh and he fights bad guys with a big heavy enchanted chain that - you guessed it - is covered in flames. Genius.
Lucky for me, this one was only an hour & 1/2 long - but the basic gist of it was the Devil had a baby with a gypsy, and wanted to kidnap him so that he could trade bodies and be more powerful than he already was. It also has Idris Elba as a weird kind of French guy that may or may not have been cross-eyed, and the guy that played highlander all covered in tattoos who I guess was supposed to be a monk? So basically he is saving the antichrist and his gypsy mom.
Oh and if you're wondering (as I'm sure you are) what it would look like if he had to pee - well you're in luck cause they show that too:
Fun Fact: This was actually a reboot. Except that it had the same actors, playing the same roles, acknowledging the events of the 1st film. But yea, SONY deemed it a remake (I guess to slip it past the decision makers when the 1st film flopped)
Cage's acting of the "tortured man" that changes into a demon really falls flat here. Where he shines is when he is fighting the transformation and he says things like "I Will Eat Your Soul!!". And when his head's on fire. But that was CGI, unfortunately the method actor didn't give this one the full 100% and light his real head on fire - but I'm sure he considered it. 3/5 Cage Rages
Nothing really spectacular here - but he did go as natural and bravely flaunted the ever-rescinding hairline which he now sports in real life. Gave him an extra point for bravery - plus the fire thing. Even with the extra points, still only a 2/5 for Cage Cuts
While in the land of make believe which comics exist - a flaming skull faced dude with a taste for souls isn't THAT far-fetched. However despite all this and recent comic book movies that find that mix of entertainment and good storyline, this one managed to make the film even more ridiculous than the premise. Just awful. 2/5 in this category as well.
This film had it ALL (Except a coherent plot, Decent CGI, average even mediocre acting and any overall direction). So yea, this one was bad. But not in the laughable Cage-y way I've grown to love...just like uncomfortably rough - like one, long, excruciatingly painful kick to the groin. And that's owing from a Nerd that General Loves Comic Book Movies. Give this one a generous 2.5/5 on the CAGINESS Scale.
You'll pay for this Ryan.
**Disclaimer** This edition's news had its mind in the gutter. Lots of cock talk and butt stuff ahead. I don't make the news, I just make fun of it. #sorryimnotsorry.
It was revealed this week that the biggest dick in Human History was probably overcompensating for his incredibly tiny Fuhrer. Yup - according to Historians at Oxford, Hitler had a tiny baby Penis. No wonder he was so angry all the time. To be more accurate, the mustachioed bastard had what is known as "Penile Hypospadias - a rare condition in which the urethra opens on the under side of the penis, causing the man to have a Micro-Penis." He also had an under ending testicle and was a Never-Nude (someone so ashamed of their body that they will never allow themselves to be seen nude by anyone). See, History can be fun!!
THIS SAUSAGE TASTES LIKE DICK
You know what's delicious? Waffles. Even Better? Sausages cooked inside a waffle. Even better? If it was shaped like a dick. No? Well if you don't think that's a great idea, then you're not alone. Neither did the hundreds of patrons & families attending the Jonker Walk Night Market in Malacca, Malaysia. Last week a clever food vendor thought it would be pretty ingenious to make a small, anatomically correct cock-shaped waffle dog you eat with your bare hands. While I have to hand it to this man's marketing prowess (everyone is talking about it...at least in Malaysia), I do have to say that this may have been the worst place to introduce such a delicacy. See, not only was this introduced at the yearly street market that is a well recognized family friendly festival surrounding the Lunar New Year - but it was also introduced in a country that has penalties for homosexual acts that can range from a public whipping to up to 20 years imprison. So maybe the phallic shaped eats wasn't the best idea. Although the vendor pledged to never make such a horrible mistake again, the city council issued a stiff, firm, long lasting penalty of being banned from the festival for life.
ANAL SEX: It's just not for Pussies...
Having fixed all other problems in Michigan such as the crippling debt, Flint Water Crisis, and the death of the American Dream - lawmakers in the Mitten State decided to focus their efforts where the sun don't shine. Rather than address one of the other thousand way more important issues facing the residents of the state (and by thousands I'm referring to the estimated 8,000 men, women and children effected by the poisoning of the water supply by their own government) the great minds behind Republican Governor Rick Snyder decided to outlaw butt-sexy...or sodomy if you want to doll up the term. The Bill's language states:
“A person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature [sodomy] either with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment for not more than 15 years…”