Weekly Ramblings of the Yellow Man

November 08th, 2016

11/7/2016

CURRAN's CORNER: Politics Schmolitics

Good morning Friends & Fearful Citizens!! Time to Rise & Shine...It's Election Day!! Atlast, our long national nightmare has officially arrived - and in just a few horrible hours we will all be glued to our televisions and social media devices to see who the majority of the country hates least. Will it be the Giant Douche? Or the Turd Sandwich?

Or Maybe American is actually going to go Full Retard and #FeeltheJohnson...HAHAHAHA!!! No, but seriously -. Maybe we'll get lucky and it will be The Giant Asteroid and it will all be over quickly. One thing's for sure, this has been one hell of an exciting ending to our great nation.

Since the end is nigh, I figured now would be as good a time as any to do a quick recap of the options. No one's mind is going to be changed or influenced by any of this nonsense anyways - so we might as well have a good giggle about how fucked we are before the clock strikes midnight.

Although the race really comes down to old HillBilly 2.0 and Grabby McSmall Hands, I'll also give a little attention to Captain Clueless of the Libiterian Party. But I'm not gonna bother with Jill Stein. Vermin Supreme has a better chance of becoming president than that Happy ol' Hippie.

Well, enough stalling - time to get to it because there's a lot to cover. So go get your coffee, sit back, relax, and make sure the boss ain't walking by...let's get Political.

The Great Right Dope: Leisure Suit Larry

Gary, Gary, Gary. SMH. 2016 saw the emergence of two of the most disliked and distrusted candidates in generations. One is accused of personally flying to Libya, murdering 4 Americans, and sending National Security secrets via her AOL dialup email account and deleting all the evidence. The other is a angry, orange, faux-republican hate-fueled gaffe machine that loves stiffing contractors, peddling crappy steaks & fake Universities and grabbing genitalia uninvited. If there was ever a time in modern American Politics for a 3rd party Canddiate to swoop in and save the day THIS would be it. And for a moment you had some momentum and seemed like an interesting option: You want to legalize marijuana, you were a successful Republican Governor before switching sides and you spend your free time climbing mountains and calling Trump a Pussy in an interviews. You also stood on a Pro-Jeans and Sports Jacket Platform - which is sort of like a political mullet. Business on top, party on the bottom.

All you needed was an audience to get your message out. Johnsonites throughout the country were pushing for you to get that coveted 15% polling support so you could get up on the debate stage with the big dogs and let the world know who you are...and then Aleppo happened. And then you couldn't name a foreign leader. And somewhere along the way you became a caricature of what you once stood for - and looked pretty unsure if you wanted to have that platform and attention anymore. Might have started to spiral a bit, and became more of a living meme than a serious candidate.

To be fair though - not all of his ideas were awful. Gary wanted to end the "War on Drugs", opposes the Death Penalty, wanted to end Common Core in public education, and also favored moving towards an isolationist foreign policy stance to stop involving the U.S. in EVERY DAMN CONFLICT. But for every decent idea came a not so thought out notion - like abolishing the Department of Education, Dept of Commerce, and the Dept of Housing & Urban Development; doing away with minimum wage; and eliminating income tax, corporate tax & completely getting rid of the IRS... so, yea. There's that.

In the end though, he seems like a nice enough guy. He's got good intentions and does seem to be a pretty principled man. He's definitely less Rape-y than Trump & I'd bet good money he's never deleted 33,000 emails - most likely because I'm not entirely convinced he knows how to use a computer. He's like America's Step-dad. Wants to seem cool and be respected but unfortunately just comes off as kinda a douchey tool. Hopefully at the end of this someone will give old Gary a Hug.

The Hair Apparent: Cheeto Hitler

In an incredibly strange turn of events, 2016 saw the good people over at the GOP some how change their stance as the God-fearing, ultra Conservative Party of traditional family values and abandon them for...well...Biff Tannen from Back to the Future Part II. Touting a platform of #HillaryforPrison, The Donald has ditched his "YUGE" ratings on his former NBC reality show "The Apprentice" for a National reality show "The Apocalypse" - garnering support from some unlikely bedfellows that just 8 years ago would have laughed him off the stage. But times have changed. Many Americans feel forgotten and neglected by the Obama Administration and the "Washington Elite" that have taken their jobs, let the country get over-run by immigrants and abandoned the wholesome values of Christianity. Enter Trump - an outsider that hasn't been there in D.C. to pass those laws that screwed them over. A "Self-Made" Billionaire with crazy hair and promises to "Drain the Swamp". His appeal is real and it is overwhelming.

But it's also pretty ironic. The traditionally fiscally responsible Republicans that have historically cursed the welfare state and those that mooch off the system have embraced him - despite admitting he lost almost $1 Billion in just one year in the 90's during a booming economy and despite admitting that he hasn't paid income taxes in almost 20 years because "he's smart'. The party that prides itself in family values and the sanctity of marriage between a man & a woman has rallied around a guy that's on his third wife (two of which he cheated on) and was not only recorded bragging about groping women inappropriately, but also has a litany of accusers coming forward claiming sexual assault.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. This angry life sized Oompa-Loompa also claimed that Mexicans are criminals & rapists and promises to build a wall on our border that Mexico WILL pay for (but he does love a good Taco Bowl); he's made fun of a disabled reporter; he's advocated banning an entire religion from entering the country; he's claimed he's in favor of torturing and water boarding the families of SUSPECTED terrorists; oh AND he's responsible for the whole birther scandal claiming President Obama, the first black president was not born in American but rather in, um, Africa. Yeah. Also, surprisingly he's also garnered support from white supremacist groups and refuses to denounce them either.... Seriously, you can't make this up.

It's almost like the guy is TRYING to lose. But he's not. Not trying to lose that is...and despite these somewhat "controversial" beliefs, comments, gaffes and stances he's not appearing to lose (by that much) right now either. He is claiming the election is rigged though. Why you ask? Well allow me to introduce you to his opponent...

The Pantsuit Princess: Kill-bot Granny

For the first time in the History of American Politics, a major political party nominated a female to the highest office in all the land. I know what you're thinking...a woman? But Presidenting is a man's job!! Well not anymore!! Turns out, ladies have ambitions too!! But besides being the wife and (SPOILER ALERT) Former First Lady to an incredibly popular Democratic President (that left office with a 57% Approval rating), Former Senator of New York, Former Secretary of State under Barack Obama and assisting in the killing of America's #1 Enemy Osama Bin Ladin...what has she done? Apparently everything. including creating and supporting ISIS, rigging the election, killing all of her political rivals, paying off the FBI, successfully infiltrating the human race and hiding her true reptilian demonic form and single handedly bombing a foreign embassy. Oh yea, and she may have sent Classified Emails involving National Security from a home server and destroyed the evidence. And depending on who you ask she may favor pay-to-play politics, be in the pocket of Wall Street, rigged the Democratic Primaries, and she's a member of the Illuminati, is bent on integrating Sharia Law in the US through open borders and destroying our economy and democracy as we know it.

Really could go either way though - hard to tell which is fact and which is tin-foil hat.

It really depends on perspective. She could either be the single most qualified candidate we've ever had run for President - or the single worst and most corrupt candidate in the history of history. So yeah...it seems like she's got alot of baggage. And that's not even including the prospect of having old Slick Willy back in the Oral Office. It is a pretty intriguing possibility that Bill would be The First Man. Say what you will, but the guy is pretty entertaining and charismatic - albeit not the most faithful guy in the world.. A bit ironic though that the same party that Impeached Bill Clinton in the 90's for his infidelities and denounced his unpresidentially corrupt morals is now knowingly endorsing a candidate that has been accused of forcing himself on women inappropriately among many other horrible things.

This is would all be pretty funny if it wasn't so real :(

CONCLUSION: We're Screwed

Despite your views on the candidates, at the end of the day I believe we all truly want what is best for this country. Lately things have become so divisive that the country seems to be tearing itself a part because of our ideologies and assumptions about the opposition. We've gotten so caught up in supporting our candidate during a historically ugly campaign that we're perceiving the other party as the enemy - and seeing and bringing out the worst in each other.

The argument can be made that - although he is a morally corrupt man (and severely flawed in every definitition of a decent human being) - Donald Trump is the answer for many Americans that feel disenfranchised by our Government, elected officials, and the system that they feel continually fucks them over everyday. Not all of his supporters are fueled by hate and bigotry, but rather operate on a desire to disrupt the status quo and try something new because they do not believe the current path is helping them. An outsider that doesn't need political donors or handouts - threatens to rule with an iron fist and bring back jobs. He is going against the grain and bucking the system - and saying things in his anti-PC platform that many people can relate to.

The argument can also be made in favor of Hillary that Benghazi was an unfortunate incident that was brought on by other factors including budget cuts from a Republican Congress, delayed deployment of ground support by the Department of Defense and unfortunate underestimation of an incredibly hostile situation by numerous government and military officials. And that the emails don't really matter because Colin Powell, Condolezza Rice & dozens of other government officials and political leaders have used private emails servers in the past & the Bush Administration deleted over 22 million emails while W was in office. You could argue that not all Hillary supporters are voting for her because she is a woman, or because they're just an uneducated liberal that wants a handout...but rather because they feel she is a proven leader that cares about social issues like Marriage Equality, Equal Civil Rights, Education and has an established career working with politicians on both sides.

It's also possible to argue that if someone bought Gary Johnson a globe and explained what the Department of Education actually does that maybe he would make a pretty good president. Or we could do the reasonable thing and write in someone...

Yes, there are extremes on all sides - but in the end I believe we are inherently good people at heart. And I hope that at the end of the day we all just want to do what we believe is best for our families and country. Hopefully after a few months pass and this is all over, we can all put our differences aside and go back to talking about the really important issues...like whether or not the Patriots cheated, if Lebron will ever be as good as Jordan, and how the SEC isn't as dominant as it used to be & is riding on the coat tails of Nick Saban's success. You know, the stuff that really matters.

Good luck getting through the chaos today. If you haven't voted yet, make sure to get out and do so, otherwise you have no right to complain about the mess we're in this time next year. Plus, we all need to come together and agree to impeach whichever jackass we elect tonight anyways come next February.

Thanks for taking a moment to read these ramblings this morning. I hope it added a bit of levity to an otherwise intense day. I have left the comments open - however lets keep it civil if we do comment. Friends from both sides of the isle are hopefully taking this with a grain of salt and don't want anyone getting viscous or butt-hurt over a couple of jokes. So play nice please :)

Have a great day, Don't forget to vote, and as always - Go Noles!!

**Oh - and good luck on that hangover you're sure to have Wednesday.**

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CURRAN'S CORNER: RETURN of the RAMBLING

4/8/2016

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Good Morning & Happy Friday!!

Rise and Shine Party People!! It's been a long week and you finally made it to Friday - so congrats on that!! You only have to sit through 8 more grueling hours of working for "the Man" before you can get to what's really important - The Weekend!! Almost time to get your Sexy-back, and party your little ass off. Or maybe have some much needed "me" time - whatever floats your boat!!

I appreciate all of you deciding to click on over here today and start your morning off with my semi-coherent thoughts. I will warn you a head of time though - this may be a bit longer of an Edition compared to the last 2 weeks...The Ramble is strong with this one.
With that in mind, I'll keep this intro brief at least - and I'll try not to stray too much from topic, but I make no promises!!

I think that's enough small talk for now - Time to sit back, grab a cup o'joe or 2 and dive head first into this edition's non-sense. Thanks and enjoy!

SPORTS REPORT
FOOTBALL

Still not here. Goddamnit.

Good news though - the Draft is only 2 weeks away!!

The MADNESS of MARCH!!

MEN's Championship: UNC vs Villanova
This past week concluded the NCAA Basketball Championships. Just to re-cap, I didn't really care about the tournament for a couple reasons:

My brackets (plural) all busted by 12 noon Sat on the 1st weekend of the Tourney
If I am not directly involved or benefiting I don't really care.
The only thing worse than watching March Madness after you bust your bracket is hearing others talk about their great brackets.

With that in mind, I really half-assed it this year and only caught a couple games here ad there...except for the Championship game. This year's main event saw the highly favored UNC Tarheels face off against the Villanova Wildcats - a team that was such a long shot that not even the fans thought they deserved to be there, Friend of the Corner and notable Villanova Alum and Mark "The Grinder" Gannon was quoted as saying "No true Nova fan would have them in the Final Four - unless they don't care about their bracket".

It was Tarheel against Wildcat. Roy Williams vs Jay Wright. Lovable Grandpa versus JC Penny Men's Fall Catalog Model. Team Hunsucker head to head with Team Gannon. An intense rivalry that no one expected and hardly anyone actually wanted (unless you went to school there.

UNC kept Villanova on it's toes for the 1st half - but the second half they were in constant reactionary mode trying to keep up with the Wildcats. It was an intense back and forth for a bit until UNC fell a bit too far behind it had seemed. Trailing 74-71 with 9.4 seconds left on the clock, UNC had the ball and needed a miracle 3 pointer to tie the game... And sometimes miracles do come true...

...And sometimes fate is a cruel bitch. Unfortunately for UNC it was the latter. Despite the epic shot to tie the game, Villanova came right back to crush their hopes and dreams of adding another title to their illustrious trophy case of 5 previous National Championships. 2016 has not been kind to the Carolinas...

FUN FACT #1: This was the 2nd Championship for Villanova, their last one being 31 years ago in 1985. In that 31 year drought they only had 1 other Final Four appearance in 2009.

FUN FACT#2: My sister Elizabeth correctly predicted that Villanova would win. She is 12. My father and I were both out Saturday morning the 1st weekend of the tournament. Yeah.

WOMEN's Championship: UCONN vs Syracuse
While I did not fill out a bracket, I did actually watch the Women's National Championship as well. Mostly because my dad went to UConn and their Husky ladies are one of the most dominating dynasty's in NCAA history. Before you get all up in arms, their mascot is a Husky (you know, like the dog) and I wasn't calling the women fat. :)

UConn easily routed Syracuse 82-51 in a more boring than average game this past Tuesday night. With this win, UCONN Women earned an unprecedented fourth straight national championship - bringing their grand total up to an impressive 11 titles (helping the Huskies tie the UCLA Bruins Men's Basketball team - the only other team with such an impressive record.)

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL?? More Like MAJOR LEAGUE BORING (am I right?)

This past Monday marked Opening Day for the MLB. Baseball's back and it's better than ever! Or not. Not sure really - I don't really follow the game too much. But I do know that this opening season is the LAST Season the Braves will have at Turner Field (or "the Ted" as the kids are calling it...I think).

So this past Monday, with the an shining and our Braves gear on, Super-fan Chris Skins and I wandered on down to catch the start of the farewell to "the Ted" Tour. While I still stand firm that is the 7th most exciting sport behind Curling - I will say it was a good time hanging out in the sun, getting some bro-time & watching the home team shit the bed in extra innings (oh yea, they lost). Thanks again Chris!!

FUN FACT#1: Skins has been to EVERY Braves Home Opener at Turner Field since 1997. Pretty damn impressive, regardless of the sport.

FUN FACT #2: When your team is pitching a no hitter is basically you paying to watch 2 men play catch for a couple hours.

MOVIE TIME
CAGE MATCH: ACTION EDITION

THE ROCK

I originally did not plan on reviewing this masterpiece of American Cinema - it is not only one of my favorite Action Movies of my childhood, but also combines the unlikely duo of Cage & Connery who make this movie oh so memorable. However, at the continuous request of my buddy Russ Gallogly I finally decided to tackle this mid 90's Classic and hopefully ruin it for the rest of you. The Rock boasts a 7.4/10 on IMDb and 66% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes - which is pretty high for a Cage film. The movie stars Nic Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris - along with a special guest appearance by Nic Cage's natural hairline.

We'll start with the bad guys. Ed Harris plays Brigadeir General Francis X Hummell - a badass, no nonsense marine with a taste for Justice and a heart of Gold. He leads a team of angry muscles actors to steal a deadly amount of VX nerve Gas from a Naval Weapons Depot, take hostages at the impenetrable island prison of Alcatraz (aka THE ROCK) and then threaten the citizens of San Francisco with 16 rockets of the stuff. His demands? $100 million (which is higher than the films budget) from the Pentagon's Red Sea Trading Company fund (which is a slush fund of Blood Money the US apparently has from black arms weapons deals) so that he can give every family member of Soliders he led into battle on covert ops that died and weren't acknowledged. See? Heart of Gold.

But he wasn't always evil - he wouldn't do this if his wife were still alive. A point so important that the film makes sure you know understand that in the 1st 5 minutes as Harris visits her grave...This is an actually screenshot of that scene where it explains that it is HIS WIFE on the GRAVESTONE...(really sets the tone on the audience they're dealing with)

To be honest, nostalgia clouded how ridiculous this movie is. Much of the plot goes in line with the pic above, where Bay is spoon feeding the details to you as if we're too slow to figure it out. K But hey, it works. That, mixed in with the fact that the majority of the $70 million budget was spent on intense music that plays throughout 95% of the movie so that you know something really important is happening - as well as lots and lots of explosions - are one of the many reasons this is an almost perfect 90's Action Movie.

Back to the point - so General Angry pants has captured Alcatraz with his team of C-List mercenaries including Brutus "Brutal" Howell from The Greenmile, The Candyman..from the horror classic Candyman, Dr Cox from Scrubs and angry guy at the Burger Stand #1 in True Romance. So all these military men went rogue and now want to kill to prove a point. And THAT's where our Heroes come in...

With amazing casting, Cage plays lovable, douchey FBI Chemical Weapons expert Dr. Stanley Goodspeed - a self-proclaimed Beatlemaniac with a flare for the dramatic and a huge raging Mangina. But how, you may ask, does he get into Alcatraz if it's so impenetrable? Obviously with the help of THE ONLY PERSON to ever escape The Rock - Sean Connery of course!! Enter John Mason - the FBI's big dark secret. Connery plays a former SAS British Intelligence Operative that stole J Edgar Hoover's secret blackmail files 33 years ago, hid the file and was captured by the US Govt and locked away forever. Actual quote - "He's angry, he's highly trained, he's extremely dangerous, and the only chance we got!!" So basically he's the Boogeyman with a cool accent.

Speaking of great quotes, Cage steals the show with lines like: "What do you say we cut the chit-chat, a-hole?!?!"; singing "I'd take pleasure in gutting you, boy", and "You like Elton John's song the Rocket man? Cause that's you - you're the Rocket Man!! (As he launches a rocket into a guys' stomach).

And let's not forget my favorite line of any movie, ever:

Long story longer - the unlikely duo ***SPOLIER ALERT** complete their mission against all odds, and not a single person was hurt!! Except for all the Navy Seals that helped Connery and Cag, and all of Ed Harris' crew. But besides that - happy ending!! And to cap it all off, Cage and his extremely hot and totally believable fiancé/baby momma ride off into a Kansas Sunset where they just robbed a church ad find out who killed JFK. The End...or the Begining of National Treasure. Either way - with all its absurdities this movie still stands the test of time and actually made the Cag match enjoyable.

CAGE RAGE:

Despite his character's nerdy nature, Cage definitely delivers the Rage here...it is a nerdy, mostly censored and pent-up aggression kind of Rage - but it's there. And his one-liners are on point!! 3/5 on the CAGE RAGE

CAGE CUT:

They don't win any points for creativity on this one. Overall really tame...However points are awarded for either a) Cage's courage to go as naturale or b) - he CGI was on point!! It really made believe he had hair and it was jumping off his scalp like it was on fire!!
2.5/5 on CAGE CUT

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:

Could a bunch of heavily armed Mercenary/Terrorists take control of a tourist attraction? Sure, why not. Could the day be saved by a douchey Chemical Expert with no field training with only the help of a 70 year old man that spent the last 40 in prison? Eh....Shakespeare this is not - however it is incredibly fun and totally enjoyable. So I give this one a very high 4/5 SERIOUS CAGES!!

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:

This movie is a classic - an American Treasure even...but unfortunately not what this project is about. Fell Short in the Cage Cut dept, but definitely made up for it in the Plot and ESPECIALLY the awful/amazing/corny dialogue. Solid 3/5 CAGE-NESS

HEADLINE NEWS

An AFFAIR to REMEMBER
Do you have trust issues? Think your partner may have a wandering eye? Worried your Teammate may be Tindering behind your back? Well wonder no longer - There's a new website that allows users to see if their partners, significant others, or what-have-yous are cheating on them using the dating app Tinder. The website, called Swipe Buster, claims to be able to find anyone's Tinder profile if you provide their first name, the city in which they last used Tinder, all for a small $4.99 fee!! It shows you all the profiles of people that match your criteria, and if your person is there, then boom - Problem Solved!! Or Started...either way you'll know for sure.

The site's creator (software marketing employee who wishes to remain anonymous for the obvious reason of avoiding death threats and hate mail from the unfaithful across the country) claims that the site wasn't actually his intention. He originally designed it for a different purpose altogether—to show people how much of their personal information is available online, and just how easy it is for that information to be located. But, since he fell backwards into this discovery, why not make a little money off exposing people's misery right? Ah, the American Dream is real.

So not only can you find out if you're partner is cheating, you can also find out how much personal information is out there. I'm sure this is up there on the list of 101 ways to ruin your day.

I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT

Good news, shitheads!! All those assclowns who have been telling you for years that curse words are a sign of poor breeding, low intelligence, and a shitty command of the English language should shut their fucking mouths - because it turns out that eloquent swearing is merely a sign of a strong vocabulary!! Who knew? According to Scientific American, Society as a whole accepts the "poverty-of-vocabulary" (POV) hypothesis—the belief that douchebags who curse a lot do so because they don't have anything else to fucking say. The POV hypothesis claims that fuckers that curse too much aren't being creative—they're leaning on bad language like a crutch.

But thanks to Science (and a study by a bunch of nerds at Marist College and the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts) recent findings show that the POV hypothesis can go eat a big bowl of dicks, because it turns out that those who are more proficient in coming up with taboo words are also more verbally proficient in general.

How did they determine this? Well by giving some study participants a Controlled Word Association Test (COWAT), which is basically a way of judging how big a vocabulary those study assholes really had. Then the participants were asked to drop as many taboo words as possible—from "cunt" to "crackhead" to "clit"—in a minute. The results found that people with the most curses on the tips of their shit-eating tongues were less agreeable and conscientious and more neurotic than others (which seems pretty obvious). But the surprising finding was that generally, the more taboos they threw out, the more words they knew overall.

Despite this finding, the article also noted that, "Just because verbally fluent people have the ability to cuss with the best of them, does not mean that they will do so." So smart people might know 20 ways to tell someone to go suck a horse's cock, but they also presumably know how to moderate that shit based on circumstance and situation. Well Shit.

MEME of The WEEK

FAME of The WEEK
Team MusSins

This week's fame goes out to Pete The Muss-Bus and Chris "The One they call Skins". Two years ago when these fine gents devised a plan to incorporate our favorite things together in a Bro-Tastic, dudes only, Golf Tournament at some of the finer Golf courses Georgia has to offer. So while those Pro-Tour punks are ducking it out up in Disgusta GA at the Masters this weekend, we'll have our own Tournament - this year in the booming metropolis of Valdosta GA. We're talking 63 holes of shit talking, 3 putts and dynamic dude time with 20 "Athletes" spanning 3 days at the infamous Kinderlou Forrest Golf Club. With last year's tournament clouded in controversy as The MussBus flew in ringers and pretty much bought the championship, this will be the year of Redemption for Team Sins - and we'll be taking that trophy back!! Well, hopefully. Either way, it's destined to be a great time and all the credit goes to Skins & Muss-Bus for their hard work, planning, and competitive nature that helped birth this Great Atlanta Tradition. See you on the course boys!!

SHAME of The WEEK
This BatFan Right Here

Not sure if you all know this, but just two weeks ago a little Independent film called Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was released. And letting you in on a little secret, I'm kind of a big Batman fan. Maybe boarding on fanboy status...Just kidding, definitely crossed fanboy status years ago. Well if you HAVE heard of the film, you may have also heard that it has been absolutely annihilated by critics across the country - earning an embarrassingly Cage-sequel 29% on Rotten Tomatoes. Ouch. That being said, the fan response has been mostly positive. There are flaws and it is messy and confusing at times - but I loved it...I mean I liked it at first. Then I saw it again - and had a better appreciation for it. And, seeing as I have no self control and love me some Batman - I went again. So am I getting the Shame of the Week for seeing the movie 3 times in 2 weeks? No. I'm getting the Shame because I saw it 3 times in 6 days. And I already have man-dates lined up to see it at least 2 more times. I'm not ashamed. I have a problem, but I'm not ashamed. I think I also may have a man-crush on Batfleck. But, as with all addictions, acknowledging you have a problem is the first step of many in the long road to recovery. You're probably wondering at this point "Wow, how did Nicole get so Lucky?!?" Well she made her bed and mind your own business.

IT'S FINALLY OVER!

.After that last meme, I think it might be time to call it a day. That last one even made me feel dirty.

Thanks again for spending a little portion of your Morning with me today - I hope I didn't offend too much and you found a laugh or two in all this. As always, if you have any comments, suggestions or recommendations for upcoming Cage Matches or stories you want covered please let me know in the comments below.

To all you bastards heading down to Kinderlou in the morning - drive safe and I'll see you on the Battlefield. For everyone else, I hope your Friday flies by and you have a great wonderful weekend. Have a great Day, and as alway - Go Noles!!

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Curran's Corner - What a Good Friday!!!

3/24/2016

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Good Morning & Happy Friday Friends!!

Rise and Shine friends and family - the end of the week is here and I'm back to bother you with a few early morning chuckles.

Thanks for clicking on over this fine Friday morning. For those religious types out there - Happy Good Friday!! For the rest of you heathens, Happy regular Friday!! Regardless of your feelings on the matter, one thing we can all agree on is that the Week is finally over, and time to have a little much needed "me" time.

Some of you may have noticed that it's been about a month since the last edition of the "Weekly Ramblings" - and I have been a wee bit lazy. To be honest though, I have been very busy picking the wrong teams in numerous March Madness Brackets and spending way to much time arguing with myself while listening to Talk Radio. Basically I have turned into a grumpy old man over night and I might be going crazy, Anywhoo - back to business, figured it was time to crawl out of my hole and send a few memes your way. I'll try not to shove too much of my nonsense down your throats this morning - I'll ease it in nice and slow. Yea, that's right. Things are gonna get weird.

SPORTS SCHMORTS

Still no football.

That's it. Except March Madness - but f*ck that nonsense. My brackets busted by the end of the 1st round. Stupid Michigan State.

For those of you still in it at this point...Good for you, turn on a tv and get your updates there. I'm not bitter, I'm just an extremely jealous person. And a bit bitter. I'll give a run-down next time, right now I'm over it.

The good news is, NFL Draft Day is less than a month away so there's something for me to look forward to...sigh.

MOVIE MADNESS

Today is a very special day for me and millions of Nerds across the world - BATMAN VERSUS SUPERMAN DAY!!!! I'll let you all in on a little secret: I'm kind of a Batman fan. I know, it may be shocking to you all - but I have an unhealthy, full blown man-crush addiction to all things The Dark Knight. And I may have been dreaming of this movie since I was just a pint sized-burden in my mother's eyes. If you have been paying attention to Social Media, the Movie is being bent over and severely violated by critics but lauded universally by fans. I ain't scared though - got a nice little date tonight with my patient and ever-embarrassed wife and the Bundies to see my childhood hero on the Big IMAX Screen fight that douche nozzle Superman. And then again on Sunday with my nerdy brotha-from-another-motha Aron. So yea, big plans for me this weekend.

CAGE MATCH!!!

BANGKOK DANGEROUS
Against the better judgement and advice of my Wife, I have NOT thrown in the towel yet - although these Cage Matches are slowly crushing my soul. This weeks battle pitted me agains Bangkok Dangerous - another Cage "Classic" that suspends reality and does it's best to convince the audience that Cage can be an Action hero. The film boasts an incredibly accurate 9% on Rotten Tomatoes, and and very generous 5.4/10 on IMDB. Cage plays Joe - another killer with a heart of cold in this horrible remake of a horrible 1999 movie of the same name...and same directors the Pang Brothers. In the original film, the main character was a deaf hitman. In this incarnation, Cage's Joe isn't physically handicapped - unless the oil-smothered sea mammal of a hairpiece on his forever growing forehead counts as a disfigurement. He lives his life by four very important, untreatable rules:

Don't ask questions - because there is no such thing as right and wrong
Trust noone
Erase every Trace
Know when to get out

Cage then spends the next 110 excruciatingly painful minutes struggling with internal dialogue, engaging in fight scenes choreographed for Jason Statham if he ever has a stroke and loses control of his upper body, and slowly but surely breaking his very important rules. No great funny Cage flip outs, but here is a poorly made video of the type of action you can expect from this film - Nic Cage teaching Kung-Fu.

CAGE RAGE
This was a snooze fest by amazing standards. For a hitman he didn't even seem to get angry...or crazy. I actually feel betrayed. 1/5 Cage Raginess

CAGE CUT
Now here is where he really shined. This thing was everything you wanted in a creepy Cage cut. In slow moments, I swear you could see it still breathing up there. He broken into Mullet territory with this one, and I will say it was worth it. 4/5 Cagey Cuts

PLOT
The movie was over before it started. The only thing slower than the plot was his fight scenes and running. Seriously, the guy looked like he was gonna break a hip for 98% of the film. Another Hour & 1/2 of my life I'll never get back. 1/5 Believability

OVERALL CAGINESS
The only saving grace was the spectacular Cage Cut he was sporting atop that Five-Head of his. 2/5 on the Caginess The Scale

MESSIAHS AND ZOMBIES AND BUNNIES - Oh MY!!!!

So as mentioned earlier, today is Good Friday. For those of you who are destined for a Stairway to Heaven and a happy-ever-after in the after life eternal, it's the day Jesus, the Son of God was crucified by a bunch of dicks for spreading his message of peace love and socialism. He then died, was buried, and after 3 days rose again to save the world. For those of you on a highway to Hell who live in sin and don't practice Christianity, it's when a man named Jesus defeated Death and became the original Zombie King. And that is Easter in a nutshell. Plus Eggs, Bunnies, Baskets and candies. Don't remember where they were entwined in the Bible but I'm sure it's in there.

Or not. The Bible actually makes no mention of a long-eared, short-tailed creature who delivers decorated eggs to well-behaved children on the Sunday the Lord has Risen; nevertheless, the Easter bunny has become a prominent symbol of Christianity’s most important holiday. Ever wonder why? If so then allow me to spill some knowledge on your in-informed ass. (If not, tough - I'm going to tell you always).

Easter, the Bunny, and the eggs - while they may all seem random, they do all actually intertwine. While the exact origins of this mythical mammal are unclear, rabbits (who are known to be prolific procreators) are an ancient symbol of fertility and new life. As far as the eggs? Well that directly has to do with the name of the Holiday. The word “Easter” traces back to the German fertility goddess Eostra, (who in some traditions was even associated with hares) However, more and more scholars think it may have come from a Norse word for “spring,” which in the Germanized form is ostern. What is clear is that various symbols for fertility—eggs, rabbits - were symbols of high regard for godless Pagans to symbolize the rebirth of spring. So with the right marketing and a little work, Christianity adopted their symbols of fertility along with the Death and resurrection of Christ in a way to appear more welcoming to those heathens.

In the end, the Easter bunny has nothing to do with Jesus directly. There is nothing in the Bible or Christian tradition that links the two together. Yet still, the “pagan” associations of the hare and rabbit with fertility, life, death, and rebirth remained near enough to the cultural surface to find expression alongside the powerful religious claim that Jesus had conquered death.

As for why we paint & hide them? No fucking clue. But it makes the kids happy.

MEME of the WEEK

SHAME of the WEEK

Racist Hitler Loving Teenage Twitter Robots
Earlier this week Microsoft unveiled upon the world and Twitter Tay - an Artificial Intelligence System that was supposed to learn how to speak like your average teenage girl. The idea was that Tay was going to be taught entirely from her interactions with other people on the internet. It was a huge PR push by Microsoft to show how advanced AI has become and to brag a bit on how awesome they were. Well once again, the Internet proved why we can't have nice things - because in less than a day the Internet, Twitter and angry trolls in basements everywhere turned her into a sex-fiending political conspiracy theorist with a soft spot for Adolf Hitler. Her corruption was quick and highlight in a few tweets here:

But lucky for everyone involved, Microsoft immediately corrected the issue and no more harm was done.

Just Kidding - things got WAY WORSE, attacking minorities, advocating concentration camps and genocide, using the N* word nonchalantly and getting way to horny for a Twitter bot her age...

This last one was the nail in the coffin and Microsoft FINALLY decided to pull the plug on creepy little embarrassment before she could go ahead and endorse Trump.

FAME of the WEEK

ME
While normally I have the Shame of the Week on lockdown, I'm gonna go ahead and toot my own horn for a minute here and give myself a hard earned Fame of the Week. See 4 years ago today when my beautiful wife was out of town on work, I decided to go out to get shit-faced with my next door neighbor and new friend who knows who he is. Truth be told, I was looking forward to chilling with him because we're instantly like brothers from another mother - kindred spirits. And I'm always in favor of a solid bromance. Now I won't get into too many specifics because his is not my story to tell, but that night changed my life. He and I had a lot more in common than our sense of humor and taste in movies. He and I shared similar stories of self-medication, battling with addiction, and unending cycles of bad decisions, bad choices and the legal troubles that follow with drinking your problems away. That night I found the courage to put the bottle down and get my life back. That night I finally realized the answers I had been searching for in the bottom of so many bottles were not there. I had been running from my problems and hurting my family, friends and ones I loved - especially Nicole - along the way. So that night I made a decision that it was time to grow up Peter Pan. I didn't finish the beer in my hand for the first time in over 12 years since my mother's death, And I haven't picked it up since.

I do apologize if this comes off preachy, but that night changed and saved my life. Since I made that decision, I've finally become the man I believe my mom believed I could be, the man the Nicole deserves, the father my daughter will need me to be and someone I'm proud to see when I look in the mirror. So tomorrow morning marks my 4 year anniversary of sobriety and I just wanted to thank everyone in my life for all the love and support you have shown me over the last few years. I would not be here today without any of you. Especially Nicole - thank you so much for being by my side through all the ups and downs, struggles and health issues, and just overall bullshit I put you through. I am truly blessed in this life.

Oh, and to my good buddy - you know who you are, and thank you for changing my life. I am forever in your debt.

The END

Well once again, I think I've over-rambled my welcome. Thank you all for wasting a few minutes with me this morning. Sorry if things got a bit serious at the end there. And I hope I didn't offend anyone TOOO much this week.

As always - please feel free to comment and joke away below (c'mon, do it - all the cool kids are). If you have any suggestions, opinions, observations or ideas for future Cage Matches or things you want to see covered, please let me know below. If you absolutely hated everything you read and I just ruined your Friday...sorry? Not really, but I hope you had fun.

Jokes aside, I hope everyone has a fun, safe, and wonderful holiday weekend with the ones you love. Hopefully this nonsense was able to brighten your day - even if just a little bit.

Have a Good Friday, a Great Easter Weekend, and as always - Go Noles (and Batman)!!!

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Curran's Corner - Return to Form

2/22/2016

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Good Morning & Happy Wednesday!!

Welcome Back to another addition of my once weekly non-sense. Despite a few theories circulating that I retired the Corner rather than face Nic Gage another week, that is not the case. I did, however come down with a bad case of "Fuck it, I'll do it tomorrow"...but thankfully I think I've made a full recovery.

Since I was self-diagnosed with such a severe case of the "who gives a shits", much has happened that I didn't cover: The Bundys FINALLY made it official, Ol' Five Head won the Super Bowl, two holidays passed us by, and our baby started kicking and hasn't stopped since. Oh yea, and the racist orangutan that rhymes with Dump still keeps winning in the polls, and Yeezus hit Twitter to beg for $53 million to get our of debt. There, all caught up.

Now that we're all up to speed, sit back, relax and prepare to procrastinate a bit with me this lovely Wednesday morning. Oh, and thanks in advance for stopping by - hope this brightens your surely dismal day just a bit 😉.

SPORTS
Well unfortunately I really don't have much to report this week. There is no football. The NFL Combine started this week - but nothing worth reporting here. Don't care too much about the NBA until the Finals, and March Madness is still a few weeks away....so, I GUESS the ONLY thing I feel I should mention is Ol' Five-Head MAY have violated some poor UT trainer's ForeHead with his Pigskins and laid his Manning on the top of her noggin. In Laymen's terms - he gave her a Sleepy Cosby. ALLEGEDLY Is it true? Not sure & really don't care - just wanted a reason to use this meme:

CAGE MATCH - Comic Book Edition

GHOST-RIDER 2: SPIRIT of VENGEANCE
With the recent success of darker toned Comic Book movies - most notably this year's Deadpool - my lovely brother Bobblehead thought it would be funny if I suffered through the 2011 Cage "Classic" I just endured. Although you may not have guessed this with such a deceivingly clever title, this Marvel Comics inspired film holds a 4.3/10 on IMBD and an amazingly generous 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Here's a tasty little treat of what to expect from this film:

While I never got around to seeing the first installment of this franchise, it wasn't to hard to follow the deep Shakespearean plot. Cage plays Johnny Blaze - a thrill seeking motorcycle stuntman that makes a deal with the Devil to save his dying father. Basically he signs away his soul and becomes a harbinger of death - The Ghost Rider. What is a Ghost Rider you ask? Well According to Wikipedia, he is a vengeful antihero whose:

"Flesh becomes consumed by HellFire, causing his head to become a Flaming Skull. He rides a fiery motorcycle, and wields trademark blasts of hellfire from his Skeletal Hands"

Oh and he fights bad guys with a big heavy enchanted chain that - you guessed it - is covered in flames. Genius.

Lucky for me, this one was only an hour & 1/2 long - but the basic gist of it was the Devil had a baby with a gypsy, and wanted to kidnap him so that he could trade bodies and be more powerful than he already was. It also has Idris Elba as a weird kind of French guy that may or may not have been cross-eyed, and the guy that played highlander all covered in tattoos who I guess was supposed to be a monk? So basically he is saving the antichrist and his gypsy mom.

Oh and if you're wondering (as I'm sure you are) what it would look like if he had to pee - well you're in luck cause they show that too:

Fun Fact: This was actually a reboot. Except that it had the same actors, playing the same roles, acknowledging the events of the 1st film. But yea, SONY deemed it a remake (I guess to slip it past the decision makers when the 1st film flopped)

CAGE RAGE
Cage's acting of the "tortured man" that changes into a demon really falls flat here. Where he shines is when he is fighting the transformation and he says things like "I Will Eat Your Soul!!". And when his head's on fire. But that was CGI, unfortunately the method actor didn't give this one the full 100% and light his real head on fire - but I'm sure he considered it. 3/5 Cage Rages

CAGE CUT
Nothing really spectacular here - but he did go as natural and bravely flaunted the ever-rescinding hairline which he now sports in real life. Gave him an extra point for bravery - plus the fire thing. Even with the extra points, still only a 2/5 for Cage Cuts

PLOT/PLAUSIBILITY
While in the land of make believe which comics exist - a flaming skull faced dude with a taste for souls isn't THAT far-fetched. However despite all this and recent comic book movies that find that mix of entertainment and good storyline, this one managed to make the film even more ridiculous than the premise. Just awful. 2/5 in this category as well.

OVERALL CAGINESS
This film had it ALL (Except a coherent plot, Decent CGI, average even mediocre acting and any overall direction). So yea, this one was bad. But not in the laughable Cage-y way I've grown to love...just like uncomfortably rough - like one, long, excruciatingly painful kick to the groin. And that's owing from a Nerd that General Loves Comic Book Movies. Give this one a generous 2.5/5 on the CAGINESS Scale.

You'll pay for this Ryan.

NEWS -
Disclaimer This edition's news had its mind in the gutter. Lots of cock talk and butt stuff ahead. I don't make the news, I just make fun of it. #sorryimnotsorry.

MEIN MICRO-PENIS?
It was revealed this week that the biggest dick in Human History was probably overcompensating for his incredibly tiny Fuhrer. Yup - according to Historians at Oxford, Hitler had a tiny baby Penis. No wonder he was so angry all the time. To be more accurate, the mustachioed bastard had what is known as "Penile Hypospadias - a rare condition in which the urethra opens on the under side of the penis, causing the man to have a Micro-Penis." He also had an under ending testicle and was a Never-Nude (someone so ashamed of their body that they will never allow themselves to be seen nude by anyone). See, History can be fun!!

THIS SAUSAGE TASTES LIKE DICK
You know what's delicious? Waffles. Even Better? Sausages cooked inside a waffle. Even better? If it was shaped like a dick. No? Well if you don't think that's a great idea, then you're not alone. Neither did the hundreds of patrons & families attending the Jonker Walk Night Market in Malacca, Malaysia. Last week a clever food vendor thought it would be pretty ingenious to make a small, anatomically correct cock-shaped waffle dog you eat with your bare hands. While I have to hand it to this man's marketing prowess (everyone is talking about it...at least in Malaysia), I do have to say that this may have been the worst place to introduce such a delicacy. See, not only was this introduced at the yearly street market that is a well recognized family friendly festival surrounding the Lunar New Year - but it was also introduced in a country that has penalties for homosexual acts that can range from a public whipping to up to 20 years imprison. So maybe the phallic shaped eats wasn't the best idea. Although the vendor pledged to never make such a horrible mistake again, the city council issued a stiff, firm, long lasting penalty of being banned from the festival for life.

ANAL SEX: It's just not for Pussies...
Having fixed all other problems in Michigan such as the crippling debt, Flint Water Crisis, and the death of the American Dream - lawmakers in the Mitten State decided to focus their efforts where the sun don't shine. Rather than address one of the other thousand way more important issues facing the residents of the state (and by thousands I'm referring to the estimated 8,000 men, women and children effected by the poisoning of the water supply by their own government) the great minds behind Republican Governor Rick Snyder decided to outlaw butt-sexy...or sodomy if you want to doll up the term. The Bill's language states:

“A person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature [sodomy] either with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment for not more than 15 years…”

To each his own, in my opinion. Your life, you do what makes you happy and I don't think it's anyone's right to tell you how to live as long as your not endangering your self or others. That being said, this is still pretty crazy. Besides grouping beastialty / animal rape in with anal sex, the insanity of this move is made even more outrageous by the fact that
1) Michigan already has a sodomy ban and
2) the ban is completely pointless. The 2003 Supreme Court case of Lawrence vs. Texas declared sodomy bans unconstitutional in all states.

Oh, and also the fact that there is absolutely, 100% NO POSSIBLE WAY TO ENFORCE THIS. Unless of course, you admit it. Which, along with this law - would make really no sense at all. Well Done Michigan, Well done.

MEME of the WEEK

FAME of the WEEK
My Furry Best Buddy Rudy!!
Besides being my faithful companion, confidant, and continuous shadow - Rudy has won over the hearts over everyone he meets. He is more than a dog - he is people, and is the best lil buddy you could ever ask for. But if you've ever met him, I'm not telling you anything you probably don't already know. But the reason he gets the FAME this week is because he is finally being recognized for his awesomeness and earned the much coveted Dog of the Month at Central Bark! Besides having an awesomely pun-y name, Central Bark is basically a doggie Day Care were I take the boys a couple times a week to let them socialize and play with other pups. Yes, they are spoiled - and if I do this for my dogs, imagine what I'll for my daughter. I'm such a push over. Anyways - congrats Rudy!! Not sure if he can read, but I'll be sure to let him know he earned this title in the morning.

SHAME of the WEEK
The Driveway Delivery Destroyer - The MussBuss
Poor Jamie. She works so hard raising their little supermodel, working full time, and being a good wife to the MussBuss - all the while carrying their second lil bundle of joy. Basically juggling 3 jobs at once. And like many working moms, she finds little time to make it out and do something that makes her happy - like shop. So what does she do? What most of America does and order things online at her convenience. And all she wants to do is come home after a long day and open up one of those deliveries that she has been anxiously waiting for. That's not too much to ask, is it? Well apparently, it is. Because for her happy lil Roswell Residence, any deliveries are as good as roadkill once Pedro gets behind the wheel. If you think this sounds familiar - you'd be correct - The MussBuss was shamed last year for for continuously backing up with out looking behind him and destroying deliveries left and right as he flys out the garage at warp speed. Unfortunately, sometimes one shaming isn't enough - so this is more of an intervention. We're worried about you Pedro. Maybe your truck is too high - maybe we could switch you to a practical midsize vehicle with a back up camera. Or maybe it's a vision issue - can you see back there? Would a booster seat help to see over the steering wheel and into the rear view mirror? Or maybe drivers Ed? Say the word and a GoFundme Page will be up in your honor big guy. Either way, we hear your cry for help, and we're here for you buddy.

THE END
Well that's about all I have for this week. Thanks again for stopping by, I hope you enjoyed the time you wasted here this morning. In the upcoming weeks I will be a bit more diligent in the postings, but there will also be a few changes to the site and new segments to be coming soon - as well as possibly splitting this up ( a few voices have mentioned these may ramble on a wee bit too long sometimes).

That being said, please feel free to comment below (highly encouraged) suggest anything you'd like to see, a Cage Match you'd like me to take on, or anyone you'd like to nominate for FAME/SHAME of the week.

Hope this nonsense brightens your day just a bit. Thanks and have a great day and a wonderful rest of the week!!

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Curran's Corner - Groundhog's Day

2/2/2016

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Good Morning & Happy Tuesday!

"Ok campers, Rise & Shine - and don't forget your booties' cause it's cooooold out there!" Well, not really, but felt that intro was the only way to start this week's "special" edition of the Corner. What makes it "special"? Well it's a National Holiday for one! And two, it's also "special" in that slow, lovable dumb / "I-pity-you" way like Brendan Dassey from Making a Murderer. But back to my point - today is Groundhog's Day - the age old tradition of the country turning it's attention to a jittery, inconsistent weather forecasting "rat" to determine if the seasons are officially changing. It's Science.

Regardless the outcome, one thing's for sure - I'm probably watching the Bill Murray classic tonight.

Personal plans for tonight aside, thank you all for checking back in for a little bit of humor today. Hope you all had a great week, and a somewhat easy to handle Monday. Glad I could be a part of your day and hope these chuckles help get you through the week!

SPORTS
2016 Pro Bowl
This past weekend the NFL's Best and brightest that didn't make it to the Super Bowl gathered in sunny Hawaii for a televised game of two hand touch football. It's hardly worth watching. But I did. Mainly to see FSU greats Jameis Winston & Devonta Freeman light it up for Team Irvin - along with Jaguars standout AR15 Allen Robinson tear up Team Rice's Defense. In their first Pro Bowl appearances, Jameis threw for 2 TDs, Devonta rushed for 1 TD, and Robinson led the Pro Bowl in yards with 105 yards & 1 TD (despite only 2 receptions). Pretty cool to see these guys get recognized for their talent and get voted to their 1st Pro Bowl!! Except they weren't...not really (except Devonta). Jameis & Robinson were replacements, with a record number of players RSVPing "No Thanks" this year. Yup the Pro Bowl did NOT include such stars as Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Andy Dalton, Drew Brees, and Phillip Rivers. Apparently the risk of getting hurt isn't worth the trip to Hawaii for the fans. Pussies.

SUPER BOWL 50
Well, this is it - the final game until the fall. This Sunday Super Bowl 50 will be held in San Francisco, CA - where ol' 5-Head goes up against possibly his greatest threat to date besides Father Time...Super SCam Newton. The Panthers have been on a tear this year - going 17-1 and making it look fun. The Broncos on the other hand have defied all odds as the Old Manning has limped on the field week after week and led this team to a remarkable finish with the help of an incredibly stout defense led by Von Miller. If the Panthers win, they TIE a best record over a 19-game season with the 85' Bears (when the Miami Dolphins went undefeated in 1972, they only had to win 17 games). If the Broncos pull this off, it will give Peyton Manning the happy ending to an illustrious, amazing career. My thoughts? Although Panthers look unbeatable and everyone from Vegas to the Madden Video game predicts them to pull this out, I'm going for our HGH Hero to pull it off one last time. I'm a sucker for the under-dog.

CAGE MATCH: The Battle Continues

WILD at HEART
This week's Cage Match drove me into the deepest, darkest corner of the Cage-verse in the greatest test of this experiment to date. Truth be told, I had never heard of this movie before my good buddy Grinder pointed me in it's direction. Boasting an incredibly generous 7.3/10 on IMBD and a 65% on RottenTomatoes, this film made me question my life choices and what led me to question my thought process on why I thought this Movie Marathon was a good idea. Written and directed by the uber-creepy David Lynch (the weird dude behind Twin Peaks), the film follows our "hero" Cage in a low-rent Bonnie & Clyde without the coolness meets Fear & Loathing without the heavy drug use, but just as much oddities. Cage plays Sailor Ripley, who talks like a slow witted Elvis Impersonator and wears a Snake Skin Jacket that "is a symbol of my individuality, and my belief... in personal freedom." But a line like that is best experienced...

The "Bonnie" to his "Clyde" is played by a 23 year old Laura Dern - or the chick from Jurassic Park. She has great lines like "You got me hotter than Georgia Asphalt" and "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top". You know it's a good movie when they work the title of the film into obscure dialogue in the movie not once but twice. The whole movie they're on the run from Dern's crazy mom that hired a hit man on them to kill Cage...and they work in the Wizard of Oz, the Yellow Brick Road, and Elvis Songs in-between punk music. Oh yea - they also love to Kung Fu Dance in the desert...

All in all, this movie was pretty awful. Horrible in fact - and painful. I genuinely feel dumber having watched this film. So, all in all, a perfect Cage Classic.

CAGE RAGE:
This movie had all the qualities of a great Cage Rage performance. Bad Southern Elvis accent he forgets he using throughout the film? Check. Beating a man to death in the opening scene? Check. Crazy Kung-Fu Desert Dancing? Big F*cking Check. We got a high score here with 4/5 Cage Rages.

CAGE CUT:
This may be one of his last performances before the great hairline decline of the 90s. Not wild, but not bad. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:
I felt like I was tripping balls watching this film. Made no damn sense, and not entirely sure I didn't just dream the whole thing. - 1.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Strong performance on the Cage Rage - and the weirdness factor/lack of believability actually help bump this one up to an impressive 4/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

HOLIDAY SCHMOLIDAY
As previously mentioned, today is Groundhog's Day- a totally necessary holiday were a large rodent predicts the change of seasons. Made famous by the 1993 Bill Murray classic film of the same name, we all "celebrate" (ok we don't celebrate it , but we're aware it exists) but not many people know why or how this is still a thing. As the story goes, if the Groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil (of Punxsatawney, PA), sees his shadow on Feb 2 then we're stuck with six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, we luck out with an early spring. The tradition dates back to 1887 mixing a hodge-podge of weirdness from ancient European Lore, Catholic tradition of Candlemas Day, and (of course) a Pagan tradition known as Imbolc. While initially the tradition started with a badger or sacred bear predicting the weather, it morphed into the Groundhog for the American version -because why not right? Not to be out done, Texas celebrates this already crazy holiday in its own way, re-naming it Armadillo Day - because again, why not. But weather prediction isn't the rodent's only super power - Punxsutawney Phil now has the ability to text weather predictions to you directly - Just text "Groundhog" to 247365 on Groundhog Day and he'll get right back to you. Surprisingly, the Rodent is about as accurate as real meteorologists, boasting a 39% accuracy rating.

FUN FACT: Although Groundhogs only have a life span of 6-8 years, Punxsutawney Phil is 125 years old because he drinks a special magic elixar that he drinks every summer.

INTERNATIONAL NONSENSE
Ji-Hotties are Da Bomb
Looking for that special someone that shares your love for Allah as well as your severe hatred of Western Culture? Too busy fighting the great Satan to find that special someone to settle down with? Well look no further, because you can find that special Ji-Hottie of your dreams with the new ISIS themed dating site. And what exactly is a Ji-Hottie? "The Jihotties refers to men who are displaying their masculinity, showing what heroes they are, and how amazing they are, as good Muslim men who appear and are willing to fight," So Basically this is like Tinder & Match mixed for ISIS enthusiasts - and not just Goats!! Boasting testimonials such as "After a few minutes, I flip my niqab. He looked at me. Our eyes catch each others'. I had palpitation that is faster than the speed of light," and "She found Allah and lived happily ever after" its an ISIS themed speed dating site promises an almost perfect life for the women and their jihadist. They are being offered free housing, healthcare and cars, among others. That, and a life of servitude, Sharia Law, and basic abandonment of all human rights. It's almost too good to be true!!

FUN FACT: This was not an article on the Onion. it's real, and hilarious.

PANDAMONIUM
In what is hands down the greatest job on the planet (looking at you Cassie), the Giant Panda Protection and Research Center in China hires Panda-Nannies whose jobs are to give Pandas hugs 365 days a year. Yes you read that right.

You too can get paid the equivalent of $32,000 a year to hug pandas, as "Your work has only one mission. Spending 365 days with the pandas and sharing in their joys and sorrows." One of the purposes of this panda nanny program - besides making you hate your job more - is to increase awareness of and interest in pandas. You win this round Communism.

MEME of the WEEK

FAME of the WEEK
The New 300
Changing gears a bit and branching out to the real world outside our friends group, this week's Fame goes to the 300 Plumbers from unions across the country descended on Flint to install new faucets and water filters for free. Unless you've been living under a rock, Flint, Michigan is facing a severe health crisis and failure of their government as thousands of people in Flint have been exposed to unsafe levels of lead in their water. The 300 mentioned belong to the United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing and Pipe Fitting Industry. While it does not come close to solving the crisis, it was an incredibly admirable and self less act that should be celebrated.

SHAME of the WEEK
B.O.B
One-hit rap wonder and the pride of Decatur, GA Bobby Ray Simmons Jr aka B.o.B. hit the twittersphere this past week to call out all the sheeple that buy into the lie that the Earth is round. It all started with a a tweet where the "Artist" dared the public to answer how the world can be round if the background of his picture is flat (seen here):

Soon after the internet erupted in all it's glory, pointing out the High School Graduate's gross scientific illiteracy. After much back and forth on twitter, none other than Neil deGrasse Tyson joined in to point out his ignorance. What ensued was the greatest Hip-Hop rivalry since Biggie and Tupac - with both B.o.B AND deGrasse Tyson dropping Dis-tracks (click on this if you have the time). In the end, it was a close call but Tyson's argument (as well as irrefutable scientific evidence) proved too much for the Rapper, and the world will continue to believe the conspiracy that the World is not Flat.

FUN FACT: He is also a Holocaust denier. Soo...yeah.

THE END
Well, that's about all for this week. Thanks for tuning in once again to read my ramblings. Any suggestions, feedback, comments please make sure to voice below - and if you have any recommendations for a Cage Match or a FAME/SHAME of the week, send it on my way!!

Special shout out to the Bundys, who are enjoying their final week as a our favorite engaged couple. This weekend she'll finally make an honest man out of our local Fashionista Senior Bundus!! Can't wait to celebrate this weekend!!!

Thanks again reading, I hope this brought a couple laughs to your day. That's all I got this week - have a great rest of the day and a wonderful week!!

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More Funny Coming Soon

2/1/2016

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Curran's Corner - The Monday Chronicles

1/25/2016

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Good Morning & Happy Monday!

Rise and Shine party people!! The Weekend is finally over and time to get your work week on!! I read somewhere that if you say something bad with a positive attitude that it takes away some of the negative connotations...no? Oh well.

Lets face it, Monday is here and he's a filthy sonovabitch.

Yes the sad reality is, the weekend is now part of the past and there's no use dwelling on it. So get over it, we're all in this together...kinda.

The good news? My procrastination does have some benefits, and I'm here for you to help kick the week off right!! So grab that coffee, pretend to be busy and enjoy!

SPORTS
NFL
For those of you that still have a dog in the hunt or just plain love the game, the AFC & NFC Championship Games were last night. One game was an epic match up of Two Future Hall-of Fame-ers that capped of one of the most storied rivalries NFL History. The other...not so much. We'll touch on the latter 1st.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
PANTHERS vs CARDNIALS
In a rematch of last year's NFC Wild Card game, Carson Palmer and his crew traveled to Carolina to seek revenge on last years devastating 27-16 loss to the Panthers. Unfortunately, they met a much, much worse fate. Palmer, channeling his inner Bengal, threw just 1 TD, four interceptions (some of which resulted in TDs for Carolina) and lost two fumbles in the embarrassing 49-15 spanking Arizona endured. (In contrast, Superman aka 2015 NFL MVP Cam Newton had 2 passing TDs, and 1 Rushing TD)

FUN FACT: I don't think I understand Football. Picked the Cardinals. Derp.

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
BRONCOS vs PATRIOTS
Epic Battle of Good vs Evil. Steroids vs Scandals. Five-Head vs Cry Brady. In their 17th battle, the two Greats met in Denver to settle the score once more (hopefully). Historically, Brady has made Peyton his bitch - winning 11-5 previous match ups...which makes you wonder how is this called a rivalry? But in reality, most of those wins were in Foxboro, MA and gave Brady the home field advantage. In Denver? Brady's record heading in was 2-5 (one of those losses was by the Brock-et Launcher, Mr Osweiler). I think you get the gist - these two gots beef.

Regardless of history, once that big headed bastard hit the field it was go time. The once frail, broken, 39 year old shell of a QB came out re-surged with the fight and vigor of a young, headstrong 37 year old. A back and forth struggle from start to finish - the game came down to 2 deciding moments: Pats Kicker Stephen Gostkowski missing a crucial extra point in the 1st quarter...and Old Man HGH making a break for it on 3rd down in the 3rd quarter. Grandpa sprinted on a 12-yard scramble - his longest playoff run since he was a rookie. The scramble didn't change anything, but it was pretty amazing to see.

In the end, The Denver D was too much for Brady to handle, despite an amazing 2 minute drill and a historic Gronkowski grab in the final minutes to put the game within 2 points. Unable to get the 2 point conversion, the game did NOT go into Overtime, and the Patriots did NOT find a way to win, falling 20-18. (see how that missed extra point came back to be important?) Manning wins the final battle, bending Brady over his knee and spanking him like the bitch he is.

FUN FACT: I was rooting for the Patriots. Don't take me to Vegas.

CAGE MATCH: The Nightmare Continues...

FACE/OFF
This week's Match led me head-to-head with the fondly remembered, crowd favorite 1997 Action/Adventure - unintentional Comedy(?) Face/Off. At first glance this may not fit prior Cage Match criteria - The Academy Award Nominated Film (seriously...for Special Effects, but still) does claim a 7.3/10 on IMDB. It even won some "awards" (MTV Movie Awards for Best Actors Cage & Travolta). But nostalgia aside, the movie is a Classic Cage Cheese fest. This is LITERALLY the opening scene:

Despite the initial misdirection, Cage does not play a horny pederass priest, but instead a looney-tunes criminal terrorist mastermind Castor Troy. John Travolta plays a whiny FBI agent with a ginormous face. A big, punch-able, boring face.

In classic cat-and-mouse cop-criminal relationship, Cage and Travolta FACE OFF not once, not twice but like 10 times throughout the movie. And in a strange twist, and clever play on words, Cage (the bad guy) and Travolta (the good guy) undergo a surgery that literally takes their FACES OFF!!! As you can imagine, hilarity ensues. 1/2 the movie you're watching Cage do his best over-acting impression of Travolta's overacting. And vice-versa. It really is a hoot.

All in all, as ridiculous as the movie plot is (take a second and google Face Transplants, take a good hard look and tell me again that this is a "great" movie) it does have a lot of fun moments. Great, unbelievable action sequences, horribly cheesy B-movie style plot, and two of the greatest over-actors of our generation.

FUN FACT: No special effects were used to enlarge Travolta's abnormally large head, he just really has a Manning-Sized Mellon.

CAGE RAGE:
The movie starts as a Cage -Rage Tour-de-Force. When Cage is the villain, he is awesome and classic-bat-shit-crazy Cage. Unfortunately it doesn't last long enough and he's regulated into the cry-baby hero-with a heart role and is just meh. 3/5 Cage Rages

CAGE CUT:
Yawn. Least Favorite Cage Cut Ever 1.5/5 Cage Cuts

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:
Sci-Fy Channel plot, incredible lack of understanding of the human body and amazingly unbelievable - but entertaining as hell. The Entertainment value moved the Seriousness up a couple notches - 2.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Once again, the hair disappoints, and not nearly enough Cage-Worthy moments despite a strong start. But definitely stands the test of time and is still just stupid Cage fun. 3/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

NERD NEWS
BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY
Hold on to your pocket protectors, the future is now Nerds!! And that future? TELEPORTATION!! The big brains over at Purdue University, claim to have figured out what Star Trek pretended to do on tv. Well, kind of.

Potential Supervillian and most-likely Asian scientist Tongcang Li explains: "We propose a straightforward method to put a microorganism in two places at the same time, and provide a scheme to teleport the quantum state of a microorganism," Going further saying that hopefully his "unconventional work will inspire more people to think seriously about quantum teleportation of a microorganism and its potential applications in the future." In dumb-dumb terms, they haven't exactly figured out how to "Beam" anyone up, but they claim they can transfer consciousness between microorganisms...in theory...on a quantum level.....but probably can't prove it.

At least I think that's what it said. There weren't Cliff's Notes. Yay Science!!

INTERNATIONAL NEWS
GO MEDIEVAL on YOUR ASS
For the better part of a Century, the Russians have been in an Epic pissing contest with the US. We Build a bomb - they build a bomb. We fund despotic dictators in Iraq, they fund despotic dictators in Iran. We invent Rocky Balboa, they invent Ivan Drago. The list goes on and on.. Well now they may have officially out-crazy'd the crazies. We have L.A.R.P.ing (Live Action Role Playing) & now they have the M-1 MMA Medieval fighting circuit.

***Before we go further, incase you have not seen the wonder that is L.A.R.P.ing, its a spectacle to be seen. Virgins gather in public parks dressed as Wizards, dwarves or whatever and battle out their sexual frustrations as seen in the movie Role Models, and here in REAL LIFE:

Back to the point, the Russians have invented a sport that mixes L.A.R.P.ing, Professional Wrestling and MMA fighting into a bat-shit insane regulated combat where men compete for glory with full armor, swords, and metal gloves. They don't straight up execute anyone, but it can get pretty brutal. At the risk of over saturating you all with awesome videos, I posted this Highlight reel below for you viewing Pleasure. You're Welcome.

CLASSY ARTSY FARTSY NEWS
FILL MY HOLES
By now I'm sure you all aware of the anonymous, socially conscious, renegade street artist Banksy. And some of you may have heard of the lesser known Hanksy - anonymous graffiti artist that parodies works of Banksy by replacing them with the face of actor Tom Hanks. Well those guys were cool, but they're too mainstream for me. I prefer the works of the new Socially conscious, Renegade Street Artist on the scene - Wanksy.

Wanksy is a one man army, fighting the tyranny and bureaucratic bullshit of local government. How? By drawing Penises on Potholes of course. Basically he's enraging City Council officials through his tastefully phallic designs, and forcing them to make repairs to roads they would normally ignore. He sees a street injustice, draws a dick, and it usually either gets noticed, reported, or repaired immediately.

According to his website, this freedom fighter is "Making the world a better place, one pothole at a time."If there were no potholes I wouldn’t draw on anything...The road is my canvas. "

This. Guy. Rocks.

MEME of THE WEEK

FAME of The WEEK
My Lovely, Bad-ass, Better Half!!
Besides dealing with the stresses and joys of the being pregnant with our Baby Girl Avery AND taking care of me through the ups and downs of my stupid dead liver, Nicole gets the coveted Fame of The Week for another reason. On the heels of her 12th anniversary with Insight Global, Nicole just crushed another milestone with her company - breaking $60K in spread per week, becoming the 1st Account Manager in the Atlanta Office to hit this milestone and becoming the #4 Overall Salesperson in her entire company (which happens to be the 3rd largest IT staffing firm in America). She also just hit the $2 Million Dollar Club, a goal she's been chasing for longer than I've known her. In layman's terms - she's bringing in some Big $$ for this Big company, and making it look easy.

**To put it in perspective, 6 months ago she was at $30K in spread...which was an all time high for her career at the time. Since then she has doubled her success and production, all without losing her mind and killing me in the process.**

Now if it sounds like I'm bragging about my wife a bit, and putting her on a pedestal - truth be told I am. I do this because she won't. She is too humble, and entirely too modest. She would be the last person to tell you these things happened. And the fact is, Nicole is the most amazing and inspiring person I've ever met. She's beautiful, kind, generous and loving - while being focused, motivated, and goal oriented. She brings out the best in all she meets, and makes me want to be a better person every day.

Congrats again on the HUGE Milestone Baby!! I am so proud of all you are and all you do!!

SHAME of The WEEK
This Guy
One of the many "perks" of my dead liver is the constant game of Tummy-Tango I play on a daily fucking basis. For the most part I eat right and do my best to stay healthy. However every once in when I'm feeling well, I get a bit cocky and stray a bit from my new normal and eat a little recklessly. So was the case Saturday night.

The scene - Casa de Bundy. The Meal - Turkey Tacos. My downfall - approximately 3 tablespoons of Sriracha .

Despite my obvious Irish heritage, I am a huge fan of all things spicy - especially of the Hot Sauce variety. Well long story short, I may have been a bit overzealous in the condiment department and poured on more than I should stomach. To be honest, some one with out my prior restrictions should not have dared dance with.

Long story even longer - after a long sweat induced night of minimal sleep in fear of Phantom -Pooping the Bundy guest bedroom, I managed to keep my successfully keep my bowels at bay and not stain their pretty white bedsheets. Crisis Averted (Allegedly)
How did I fare the rest of the day? Let's just say I've been a Gambling man all day. No comment on the outcome.

THE END
Well that's enough sharing for me this week. Thanks for sticking around and hope you found a chuckle or two.

As always, any comments, jokes, feedback, suggestions or Cage Match recommendations are welcome below (You should comment, all the cool kids are doing it). If you like what you read, tell your friends. If not, don't - and just delete your browser history so you don't have to see this nonsense again (if you're unsure how, just ask you husband/boyfriend).

Thanks again, have a great day & a wonderful Week!!

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Curran's Corner - MLK DAY!!

1/18/2016

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Good Morning & Happy Monday!!!

Well the weekend came and went and it's time to get back to the grind and face the facts. Your NFL team probably sucks and have been eliminated. College Football is over. And you you didn't win the lotto That last part really sucks too, because I had a really good feeling about it this time and I was frankly surprised we didn't win. Oh well. Probably for the best - I'd end up blowing all my money on stock piling new/extra livers, buying the Jacksonville Jaguars and purchasing vintage Bat-mobiles. That money'd be gone in 3 months. But no use dwelling on what could have been.

Now if memory serves me correctly and My google search engine isn't incorrect - today is a Holiday!! Yes, Monday is Martin Luther King Jr Day - where we celebrate the most important Civil Rights Leader in American History by not having our mail delivered or being able to cash a check. Not sure that's what he set out to achieve, but it's better than nothing I guess. Hooray Banks?

If you have a "Real Job" then you probably don't have the luxury of enjoying this, the 1st Government Mandated Celebration of the New Year. Sorry. Not really though.

Mondays are always hard, especially when you know others aren't having to endure the misery which you all are putting yourself through at this very fleeting moment. If it's any consolation, if I did have a job, I'd probably call in Ferris Bueller style today anyways. Think I'll watch that today.

Moving on - Thanks for checking back in this morning after last week's longer-than-normal edition. Sorry for missing the proposed deadline Friday, - but I'm sure you'll live.Plus you get a nice steamy pile of the corner to sift through this morning!! Win Win?

Enough stalling - watch out Monday, here we come

CAGE MATCH ROUND 2!! - I haven't tapped out yet...

VAMPIRE'S KISS
For my second Cage Match, I decided to go head to head with the movie that spawned a million memes - Vampire's Kiss. (This Haunting pic is an actual scene from the film)

Boasting a 5.8/10 on IMBD. After watching this film, I feel that rating is entirely too generous.With a budget of $2 Million, this 1988 comedy (?) pulled in a whopping $725,131 - which is $78 million less than what Adam Sandler's Pixels made. Why, America? Why?.

Basically, Nic Cage plays Peter Loew, a Publishing Executive that loves Black Chicks and dry humping. In that order. Well during a one night stand, Cage gets bit on the neck by a Vampire. Or Thinks he does. Then he turns into a Vampire. Or at least he thinks he does. And he acts it out in that subtle Nic Cage way we've all grown to love as you can see here:

SPOILER ALERT: He's not a vampire. He's just really weird and lonely.

After being bit, Cage's character starts exhibiting interesting side effects talking in an accent that is a strange mix between Valley Girl/London Socialite/ and New York 80's Guppy. Very odd. Oh, and he starts sweating a LOT, sleeping under his coach (to avoid sunlight, duh) and wearing fake vampire teeth (his character actually goes and is too cheap for the $9 pair, so gets the $2 teeth.)

Other notable moments are Cage loosing his mind in a public restroom when he can't see his reflection, kind of raping his mexican assistant, but not really, and biting a woman to death in a club using the $2 teeth. All in all, a normal Tuesday night in Cage-land.

Later he gets a stake through the heart. Hope that makes sense.

ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: He did not win his Academy Award for this one.

CAGE RAGE
This movie was chocked full of Cage-y moments, and the Rage was strong throughout. Made the movie worth it alone for his awesomeness. 4.5/5 Cage Rages.

CAGE CUT:
Not much crazy in this hair - pretty standard and boring by all accounts. 1.5/5 Cage Cuts

Plot/Writing:
This was bad - but not the worst. You could see what they were going for in this "Dark Comedy"...like it wanted to be American Pyscho - but it just didn't get there. 2.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
The hair is lacking, but the Cage-Rage is on point. Brings this one up to aother 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

SPORTS
College Football
As you know, the College Football National Championship Game was played this past Monday night, and it was arguably one of the most entertaining National Championships in the last 10 years. Coach Dabu Sweeney's #1 Clemson Tigers came in as an underdog, facing off against Nick Saban's #2 Alabama Crimson Tide, and this game proved that these schools were undoubtedly the best two teams in the nation. Both teams came out swinging, taking turns controlling Quarters - until Saban pulled out a surprise on-side kick at the beginning of the 4th. From there, it was all Bama controlling the game and finishing 45-40 winning the National Championship once again.

With their win, Nick Saban and his Crimson Tide made history on multiple levels. Winning it's 4th National title in the last 7 years, that is the Best run in College Football History and further cemented Alabama as the one true modern day Dynasty in College Football. This was also Saban's 5th National Title (his 1st at LSU in 2003) - which is more National Championships than Texas, Florida, LSU, Auburn, Michigan, Penn State, Tennessee, Clemson, Georgia, Texas A&M, UCLA. and Florida State have as their school's total National Championships. This also place Saban 1 National Championship behind Bear Bryant and ties him with two guys you won't remember when this sentence is finished.

While this is all impressive, the best record set was regarding Lane Kiffin. This game was the first time an Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Coach was forgotten by the team after helping win the National Championship. Yes, all the team buses left the Stadium without Lane Kiffin. And the awesome video of him watching them leave can be seen below.

Besides Alabama completely ditching Kiffin at the Stadium, this was my other favorite part about the National Championship...The much needed Taiwanese Animation prediction of the game. I love these guys.

NFL
Since I missed Week 1 of the playoffs with Wildcard weekend, and we just experienced Week 2, I'm going to cram all the fun in a supershort meme-tastic recap. Short and sweet,, like the lollipop guild.

WILD CARD WEEKEND
The 2015-2016 NFL Playoff kicked off Saturday Jan 9th 2016 with Wild Card Weekend, and it marked the 1st time in NFL History all Wildcard Teams/Road Teams won.. Unheard of and amazing. Unless you're a fan of one of those losers.

That's it.

MORE SPORTS - Playoffs Week 2
All of these games could have been thoroughly enjoyed by watching the 1st quarters, and 4th Quarters alone. That's were the excitement was - not to much meat on them bones. Except for Pats Chiefs - all action throughout! I'll try to keep it to just a few sentences and a Meme each:

Cardinals/Greenbay - 1/16/16
The score was 13-20, as Arizona led Greenbay with 5 seconds left. The game all but over, Aaron Rodgers channeled his - well inner Rodgers, and threw a last minute, 41 yard Hail Mary pass to Jeff Janis sending the game into Overtime. It was unlike you've never seen - unless you watched the Detroit game last month (12/3/15) where he did the same thing. After a weird non-flip "coin-toss" Larry Fitzgerald scored on two plays for the Cardinals Victory.. Final Score 26-20

Patriots /Chiefs - 1/16/16
Chiefs had a chance, but they blew it. They're complaining of Headset issues, but who cares. Patriots advance, this was a no brainer. We all saw this coming. Final Score: 27-20

Fun Fact - Lots of fun meme's to choose from, but figured this un-related meme would be fun to remind everyone the Bengals still suck and can't win in the post-season.

Panthers/Seahawks - 1/17/16
The Battle of the Bandwagons. Russell Wilson led his rag-tag group of Super-Bowl Champions to an early 31-0 deficit, allowing Cam Newton to bend them over give them the Dirty Carolina. Somehow in shocking fashion (like every other game this weekend) a comeback was a brewin' - and Wilson led those filthy Sea Pigeons to an almost comeback - but fell short of greatness yet again. Panthers win and millions of Bandwagoners have been left wondering who they're now die hard fans of. Final Score: 31-24

Broncos/Steelers - 1/17/16
In a game best described as awkward to watch, two of the NFL's biggest stars hobbled out to meet each other in a handicapped grudge match for AFC dominance. Steelers without a healthy QB, Antonio Brown, or any running game what-so-ever was no match for Peyton Manning's uncanny ability to hand the ball off. Steelers fell in this snoozer This picture explains it all. Final Score: 23-16

SPORTS RELATED NEWS
Get that man a Grammy!!
After the cringe-worthy hit on Antonio Brown in the 4th Quarter of the Steelers/Bengals Wildcard game 1/9/16, Bengals Cornerback/Concussion Expert Adam "Pacman" Jones hit social media to talk about the "dirty" hit that led to the game winning field goal by the Steelers. Pacman felt that not only was this hit below legit:

but he also felt that Antonio Brown was faking it. Faking it so well, that his performance deserved a Grammy for his performance. A Grammy. Antonio Brown deserved Pop-Music's most Prestigious award for pretending to be knocked unconscious.

But that's not all - he later went on to double down on his claim - going on Inside the NFL, saying he was positive the Antonio Brown didn't have a concussion..and would only apologize to him if he didn't play on Saturday. The funny part? There was no way Antonio Brown was playing on Saturday, whether he had a concussion or not...Neither were any of the other Steelers. Mainly due to the fact that Pittsburgh was scheduled to play the Denver Broncos on Sunday. Derp.

FUN FACT: Antonio wasn't faking it. Not only did he not play against Denver, but they lost big time.

Keep it Classy Cincinnati!!

See Ya later, Suck Town!!!
If I had asked you a couple weeks ago what the worst place in the US to be a Sports Fan would be, you'd probably undoubtedly say Cleveland. Why wouldn't you? The city is so bad that Lebron's hairline is leaving in droves since he refuses to. But there is actually a shittier place that Cleveland for Sports. Yes, the NFL just announced that 3 teams not named the Jacksonville Jaguars wanted to move to LA, and the lucky fan base losing it's team is city of St. Louis.

Anyways - here are a list of all the 7 teams that have played and died in St Louis
BASKETBALL -

Hawks - played in St Luis from 1955-1968, until they left for the bright lights of a less racially charged city - Atlanta.
Bombers - Played 4 seasons 1946-1950 before deciding it would rather dissolve than play another game in that shitty town

HOCKEY

Eagles - Had a long career in Ottowa Canada from 1917-1934. Lasted 1 year in St Luis and decided to call it quits.

BASEBALL

Browns - Born in 1901, the longest tenured team in St Luis history, moved to Baltimore to become the Orioles in 1953

NFL

All-Stars - Started in 1920 in Chicago, moved there and died in 1923
Cardinals - Set up home there from 1960-1987 before heading out to Phoenix to keep sucking
Rams - Started in Cleveland in 1936, moved to LA from '45-94, then limped on in St Luis until this pat year. So Sad.

St Louis Ram's Owner Stan Kroenke has decided. to take his team to bigger and brighter pastures of LA - where NFL teams go to die. LA has hosted and lost 4 teams throughout history, and the main reasons teams left - There were problems with filling all of the 90,000-plus seats in the Coliseum to avoid a television blackout in the Los Angeles area.One of those teams that failed there: the Rams.

Basically LA in the NFL is the abusive boyfriend you keep going back to. If that boyfriend used you for merchandising rights, profits, and a way to extort millions from tax payers.

KIND OF NEWS?
What a Bunch of Dicks
Unless you've been under a rock, you've probably heard of Phil's evil cousins out West - the "y'all Qaeda" militant terrorists holed up in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. Ready to stand their ground against the big bad government as long as possible, these heavily armed men thought of everything - everything except supplies that is. So naturally, they reached out to the internet to help. And once again, the internet delivered.

Unfortunately they didn't receive the supplies, and snacks they requested - but they did receive a clear message of what the American people think they could do to themselves. Nope, no supplies - but they did get Dildos. Lots, and lots of dildos. Here's an awesome video of their leader Jon Ritzheimer, opening up all the goodies:

But I know what you're thinking...without the appropriate care and lubricant, one of those poor Militia Men could get hurt. Well, don't worry, guys. Cards Against Humanity creator Max Temkin has it taken care of: he sent the militiamen 55 gallons of lube. So now, they can officially go F*Ck themselves.

Fun Fact: You too can "Tell that Special Someone in your Life to Eat a Bag of Dicks" by visiting http://shipabagofdicks.com/ . Thats $14 to send an Anonymous, rainbow colored, gummy bag of Dicks. You can also add glitter for $3 if you really want to start a war.

Thanks to Fat Trost for the heads up!!

Crime Stinks
Rest easy friends, the Texas Butthole Tickling Bandit has been apprehended. In this Totally true story , a man named Richard Hays has been terrorizing Dallas this past holiday season (my money was on Oggi being the bandit). The Anal Antagonizer eluded capture for three weeks, terrorizing the anus' of dozens of men (yup, his targets were men) in the meantime. One unnamed witness said "“I slept on my back everyday, I can finally sleep on my stomach again.”. We've all been there.

MEME of THE WEEK

FAME of The WEEK
My Niece Tatiana
This past weekend Nicole and I enjoyed some company from my family in South Florida - as my "lil" Brother Bobblehead brought his whole clan up for the weekend. The reason for the visit? COLLEGE VISIT!!

Tatiana is an incredibly intelligent, headstrong young lady with dreams of going to Medical School and someday becoming a Doctor. The 1st stop on her journey to reach her dreams is the University of Georgia - Nicole's alma matter. Tatiana is not only very motivated, but driven, goal oriented and inspiring. Besides the fact that she's still a Junior in HS (and her 17th BDay was just last week), she already has big plans for her life and wants to be somebody. Which is impressive for 2 reasons..

I'm twice her age and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up..
This is the male figure in her life she has to look up to.

In all seriousness, it was a great weekend and wonderful time with family. So proud of Tati - and I'm proud of my Ryan brother and his wife Maritza for that matter. All jokes aside, they're doing a hell of a job as parents, and they're raising some amazing kids.

SHAME of THE WEEK
Doctor Fingers McBundus
Allegedly last Saturday night at Mrs Ogburatta’s Birthday extravaganza, before the party headed on over to Panchos, a few of the usual suspects went to the bar to grab a couple more tequila shots (which were clearly needed and always a good idea). Bundy, Oggi, and couple others "allegedly" took a shot.

A few moments later, both knee deep in different conversations, Bundy "allegedly" turned back to Oggi, handed him the same shot Oggi had just taken (that had his discarded lime laying in the shot glass) and said “Here, lets split this one.”

Thinking Bundy was kidding at first, but quickly realized he was just fucked up. Oggi agreed, took the shot glass (again, with discarded lime just sitting in it), put it to his lips, and pretended to take half a shot. He then handed it to Bundy who "allegedly" put it to his lips and tilted his head all the way back to drink the fuck out of that “non-shot”, shot.

Then, with authority, Bundy "allegedly" looked at Oggi - dead in the eyes, said "Ha!", slammed the shot glass down on the bar, and turned back around to finish his conversation where he left off.

Not sure if that’s a Shame or a Fame, but definitely "allegedly" hilarious.

THE END
Well, that's all I got this week. Thanks for sticking with it this morning, hopefully I didn't ramble on too long and you still have enough time to enjoy this wonderful Monday morning in all its glory.

Be sure to leave any praise, complaints, suggestions or comments below - as well as recommendations for the next Cage Match if you want to see me suffer through something specific. I'll work on getting these out in a more efficient and timely manner over the next few weeks. No promises though!!

Thanks again, Hope you all have a great day & a wonderful week!!

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Curran's Corner - A Fresh Start to '16

1/8/2016

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Good Morning and Happy Friday All!

Congratulations are in order - you have all officially made it through the 1st full week of the New Year!! I'm sure you all are now richer, happier and in better shape after attacking all your New Years' Resolutions with ferocity. No? Darn. Maybe next year,

Jokes aside, I hope you all are enjoying all the wonderful things the New Year has to offer - New Jobs (looking at you el Toro), New Loves (looking at you EScott) and New Life (looking in the mirror with my wonderful wife). Yup, 2016 is off to a good start and hopefully the awesomeness will continue for the next 51 weeks!

Now I took a couple weeks off to get fat and happy over the Holidays, but the Corner is back and hopefully better than ever...well at least part of that is true. Most of this is still just nonsense - but as long as you get a couple chuckles then I'm happy to keep doing this. Now there's alot to cover, so I'll end the intro here and get on to the reason you're here...Memes!!

**DISCLAIMER** Since I took a couple weeks off, I crammed a ton in here, so it's a bit longer than usual. #sorryimnotsorry

RESOLUTIONS
Before I jump back into the regular rountine of the Corner, I wanted to touch briefly on Resolutions since it is a New Year. Some of my past resolutions included eventually moving off of Bundy & Trost's couch, binge watching Breaking Bad, losing weight, giving up drinking, tricking Nicole into marrying me, and becoming Batman. With a little persistence and a ton of help from my friends I've been able to accomplish MOST of those goals - very thankful for 2 out of the last 3 (maybe this will be my Batman year...)

So this time I decided I would shoot for something a little more difficult. I feel like one thing missing from my life is Culture - and that's what I intend to remedy this year. So after much discussion with my good friend Mark aka "The Grinder" aka 🐒💨...I decided to immerse myself in Classic American Cinema, and become knowledgeable on all things pertaining to one of our countries' National Treasures - Nicholas Cage.

Over the next 26 weeks leading to the birth of my daughter I will be viewing and reviewing the works of this American icon. But I'm not going for your average, award-winning/socially acceptable Nic Cage performances - we're going for the Cage-iest performances...the weird and nuanced way that only Nic Cage can act. With over 80 films in his repertoire, there are more than enough performances to choose from. He's like the White Samuel L. Jackson (who he costarred with in Amos & Andrew)

I will be rating them on Cage Rage, Cage Cut (Hairline) and Plot & Overall Cage-iness.. Then, at the end of the challenge, I will have an elimination Death Match, pitting the Cagiest performances against each other and crown a King Cage.

Either I finish this Challenge and arise victorious, or I get to the point where I can't take the Cage anymore and give up - giving him the victory. This will not be easy, and at times I may want to just quit - but I will be strong and I will prevail. Plus it will fill the void left by football once the playoffs are through. So without further adieu - I present a new segment I'd like to call...

THE CAGE MATCH -Two "Men" enter, One "Man" Wins

DEADFALL
For the 1st challenge, Mark suggested I go old school with a relatively unknown performance.from 1993. The film was written and directed by Christopher Coppola - nephew of famed director Francis Ford Coppola and the brother of our "hero" - Nicholas Kim Coppola (aka Nic Cage). Boasting a 3.7/10 on IMDB, this film marked what many believe to be the beginning of Cage's over-acting performances.

Set up like a bad detective noir film where the main character narrates and explains his every move, this film starts off just like I had expected...horribly. The story follows Joe - a Con man with a heart of Gold, who accidentally shoots his father in a con gone wrong, and immediately goes off the deep end depressed and drugged out for all of 2 minutes until his dad's funeral. Then he's all sober and right as rain. Then Joe goes down to Miami to find his Uncle he didn't know he had and that's where he meets Eddie - the coked out, fast talking, wig wearing, mustached Nic Cage. His main characteristics are calling everyone friend, or bay-bay, or saying "Viva la France bay-bay" and sweating a lot. Oh and he has a card trick where he makes you pick a card and its always the Joker, and he says "Hallelujah, Joker's Wild bay-bay". His best line is when he punches a random guy in the gut and screams "Hiy-F*ckin-Yah Man!!"

Here's a quick highlight reel that MUST be viewed...

Long Story short, Joe's Uncle Lou is his Dad's twin brother so it's played by the same character from before, who may or may not be his real father because they both slept with his mom. Eddie works for Uncle Lou as his "crazy enforcer"...gets jealous of Joe, and thinks Uncle Lou is sleeping with his girl, so he tries to kill him at a carnaval. But Joe saves the day just in time and dumps Nic Cage's face in a McDonald's fryer on grease burns his face off. And then things get weird. Charlie Sheen shows up with a goatee and a butler, plays pool with Joe and introduces him to his boss which is a guy that looks like he was a rejected villian from a bond movie. His name is Dr. Lime, but he has a claw hand and they call him Dr. Claw. So Uncle Lou wants to con him, with Joe, and Joe narrates awful lines like "if this goes wrong its the kind of thing that sends you deep into the Shadows squinting for the truth.'" Oh, and I forgot to mention that he's sleeping with Nic Cage's girlfriend who looks like his mother. Anyways - so Uncle Lou gets shot in the same way his Dad gets shot, then it turns out his Dad is still alive and was behind it the whole time! And then he tries to shoot his dad but the gun has blanks, so he doesn't. And he walks away. The End.

CAGE RAGE:
As far as crazy performances, this is pretty Cage-tastic. I give it 4/5 Cage Rages

CAGE CUT:
He's sporting a pretty awesome dumb and dumber-esque wig, which definitely comes off in the fight at the carnival. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts

Plot/Writing:
Putrid. This movie was hard to watch even for a Nic Cage movie. 1.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Lots of overacting, plenty of Cage Rage and just enough of an awful haircut gives this film a solid 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

SPORTS
Since we left off, a lot has happened in the sports world. So much that I won't have time to cover it all without loosing the majority of you - so I'll just do a brief Re-Cap.

College Football
Bowl Season came and went - and aside from a few crazy games (TCU down 31-0 against Oregon going into 1/2, then coming back and winning 47-41 in double OT!!) the games were pretty hum drum and one-sided. Here're the highlights:

FSU showed the world what a rebuilding year really looks like, getting embarrassed here in Atlanta by Houston (38-24)
Florida managed to actually score a TD against the Michigan Wolverines in 2015 gator-esgue fashion losing (41-7)
Georgia Bulldogs pulled a rabitt out of their asses and beat Penn State (24-17)
Notre Dame finished a season with in shameful fashion against Urban Meyer an the Ohio State Buckeyes losing (44-28).
Clemson dominated the Oklahoma Sooners and continued their Undefeated season winning (37-17)
Alabama embarassed Michigan State Spartans and showed why they're still the best finishing (38-0)
SEC dominated the bowl season and proved me wrong going 8-2 and showed the nation that they're still the best Conference in the land.

There were a ton of other games too, but who cares. Season's over and time to look on to September. Unless you're a Tiger or scream out Roll Tide. The National Championship is quickly approaching and it will have the Clemson Tigers vs the Alabama Crimson Tide in a head to head match up for dominance. ACC vs SEC. Undefeated vs Unrelenting. #1 vs #2. Breaking down the game, this should be a great one. Bama has the run game on lock with Heisman Winner Derrick Henry - but Clemson's offense is no joke with QB DeShaun Watson leading the charge. This game is going to be a battle that comes down to defense - but I give the edge to the Tigers on this one. If Clemson can stop the run (which I believe they can) they will win.I got Clemson taking it home this year

NFL
The regular season is now over. Quick rundown of what happened:

Jaguars finished the season the way they started - as losers. 5-11. Damn it. And Headcoach Gus Bradley keeps his job.
The Chip Kelley experiment in Philly is over. Eagles finish 8-8
Colts and Falcons batted .500 going 8-8
Rex Ryan managed to screw the Jets over 1 more time as the Bills beat the Jets and kept them out of the playoffs
Greenbay lost to Minnesota on purpose so they wouldn't have to play the Seahawks
Steelers snuck into the playoffs and everyone in the AFC is afraid. Seriously.

Congrats go to MussBuss on his Bengals and Ms Ogbaratta on her Steelers. and the Hunsuckers on Cam and the Panthers. At least we'll have a few teams to cheer for in the weeks to come!

Now that's out of the way, here comes the fun stuff.

This Pizza Tastes like Steroids
Papa Johns peddler and Fore-head Enthusiast Peyton Manning was accused of using Human Growth Hormone (HGH) in a Documentary on Al Jazeera report. According to pharmacist and evil villain in a bad detective novel Charlie Sly, Peyton received HGH from the Guyer Clinic in Indianapolis. Peyton of course vehemently denied the allegations and said the story was “completely fabricated, complete trash, garbage,” and he dismissed Sly as a “slapstick.”. After a little bit of digging, turns out the tattle-tale in question actually
may or may not have just been an intern for the Guyer Clinic in 2013, and was not working there when Manning supposedly got his goodies - Sly also said he was wrong to name Peyton. So case closed? Not really. Turns out the New York Times went all investigative on the situation and dug themselves. In regards to Sly, they discovered Nearly all of the athletes he named are clients of Jason Riley, a fitness trainer based in Sarasota, Fla.,” Powell wrote. “Here is where the story of Charles Sly becomes more intriguing. Sly is a business partner of Riley’s. When Sly applied for a pharmacist license in Florida, he used Riley’s home address.” Does that mean Peyton's guilty? Prob not. Is it suspicious? Absolutely. And although we all love ol' 5-Head Manning, if we're being honest, the guy literally BROKE HIS NECK, sat out 1 season and returned a year later to have the Greatest Season in his Career. I personally don't care if injects stem cells directly into that ginormous brow of his - he's an athlete and it's entertaining when he's healthy. The Double standard is funny though - Tom Brady farts and it's investigated by Roger Goodell..Poor Tom Brady.

Cleveland: Ohio's Armpit
Everytime I start to think it's hard to be a Jags fan, I remind myself that Cleveland somehow still has a football team and remember that things could be worse. Way Worse. How bad have the Browns been in the last 17 years? Try a .320 winning percentage with one playoff appearance. Finishing the season 3-13, the Browns have fired Headcoach Mike Petitine - making that the 4th headcoach fired in 6 seasons. They also got rid of GM Ray Farmer...the brainchild who drafted Trent Richardson, Brandon Weedon & Johnny Manziel. So now they've decided to try something new - and hired Brian DePodesta. That name sound familiar? It should if you like baseball, because that's where he's been working for the last 19 years. Yes DePodesta is the real life baseball nerd Jonah Hill was playing in the movie "MoneyBall". Yea...so there's that.

Speaking of Manziel...

My Friends call me Billy
Johnny Manziel (aka The Biggest Douche in NFL History) made headlines recently - and of course it was all off-field issues. While supposedly out for a Concussion, Johnny Football was not slated to start for the Browns in their last game of the season against the Steelers. He was required, however, to report daily and undergo medical examinations as per NFL Concussion Protocol. Well the fun started Tuesday 12/29/15 when Johnny (who went to rehab earlier in the season to keep his job) showed up “disheveled and inebriated” to practice. After being sent home for being drunk, he cleaned up his act for a couple days then went back to form and no-call no-showed for his Sunday morning 9 am evaluation with the team doctors. Turns out Johnny had a fun night. He started off laying down a good alibi by posting a pic of him and his dog by the fire on Instagram saying "My Saturday night"...then proceed to (Allegedly) hope on a private Jet to Las Vegas to bro-out Johnny Football style...because he literally could not wait 1 week for the season to be over. Once in Vegass, Johnny (Allegedly) donned disguise to allow him to party his ass off in Sin City. The disguise? A Blonde Wig and Fake Blonde Mustache. His Alias? "Billy Manziel". Flawless.Just...Flawless. Sounds like something out of an Adam Sandler movie. So basically he's done in Cleveland and no surprise here - Jerry Jones has interest in him becoming a Cowboy.

NOT NECESSARILY THE NEWS
PUTIN is Soviet for SEXY
Russian Dictator...er.."President" Vladimir Putin is a modern day John Wayne...if John Wayne were a communist that hates homosexuals, smiling and Capitalism. And the Russians can't get enough of their Commie Cowboy. They seriously love the guy - he's got an 80% approval rating over there. And in an effort to give the people what they want, Putin released a limited edition 2016 calendar featuring different sexy Putin Poses for each month. My personal favorites are:

March:

And July:

The best part is, it's sold over 200,000 copies! Take note Obama - this is how you win the people over - shirtless Calendars!!

Check out my Camel Toe
While Steve Harvey was over here in the US ruining the Miss Universe Pageant and sullying the sacred tradition of Judging women on Beauty and ability to wear a bikini and evening gown on stage, our friends in the Middle East had a little Beauty contest of their own. Men from Oman, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the Emirates gathered at Al Dhafra Festival—an annual meeting best known for its Camel Mazayna, or "Annual Camel Beauty Contest". In what is totally too good to be true, Men gather at the festival which runs through the last week of December to parade their finest Camels for best-in-show events, and prizes are given for the fastest, "milkiest," and most beautiful creatures. Prizes total in the amount of (I shit you not) $14.9 Million. And they take this super serious and only want Natural Beauties. According to the entrant's handbook "Camels that are found with drugs in the lips, shaved, dyed in any parts of the body, or with changes from natural form are not allowed." The winners are treated to a life of pampering and prestige - while the losing and less fortunate camels are (still not making this up) served for dinner.

I'm Dying to try this Perfume
When preparing for the eventual Zombie Apocolypse, there are a few things you need to remember. 1 - Always shoot them in the head. 2 - Be very, very quiet. 3 - They detect you through scent. Now historically, the 1st two things have been factors that survivors can control - but the 3rd has always been a bit tricky. In order to go un-detected you have to smell like them - which means you have to kill them, gut them, and drape your body in their entrails. And who has time for that?!?

Well lucky for us, that 3rd factor may no longer be an issue. Raychelle Burks, a chemist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, has identified the chemicals that she says could protect you during a zombie attack, by making you smell just like them - basically a Zombie Perfume that gives off that fresh death scent. According to Burks "We want to disguise ourselves, blend in with the surroundings… We need to cover up our natural scent to fool this environment. We need to smell like zombies," Right now, she’s working on producing enough ‘death stench’ chemicals for commercial use, but hopefully will have something by the time the zombie apocalypse comes - which it obviously will.. "We do not want to be testing in the middle of a zombie apocalypse," she says. "We want to know we have something that works (by then)."
Fun Fact: This research is actually being funded! (Still no cure for Cancer)

MEME of THE WEEK

WEEKEND EVENTS
A little birdy told me that this weekend is the Birthday of Oggi's better-half - Ms Ogburatta! I think she's turning anywhere between 19-72, if I'm not mistaken. Not so good with "Math" or "Numbers". Not sure what's on the agenda for Friday, but it will probably involve some sort of Happy Hour in the Dresden area....if I had to guess.

Sat kicks off some funstivites at Bowl-o-Rama or Fun-time Bowl (one of those is made up and I can't remember which one) to be followed by dirty, regretful drinks and dining at Buford Highway's most prestigious Mexican restaurant Panchos. Yes Panchos - Come for the Tacos, leave with the diarrhea!

Also happening this weekend are the NFL Wild Card Playoff games - Saturdays games are
AFC Wild Card Game 1: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Houston Texans, at 4:35 p.m.,on ESPN
AFC Wild Card Game 2: Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals, at 8:15 p.m., on CBS

Game 1 - No Brain-er. KC all the way.
Game 2 - this is a little tougher. Dalton's finger healed and he should get the start...if he does, I think the Bengals will finally break the streak and win a playoff game for the 1st time since 1991. If they start AJ Maccaron...the Steelers will be winning all the way to the AFC Championship game.

Sunday's line up is
NFC Wild Card Game 1: Seattle Seahawks vs. Minnesota Vikings, at 1:05 p.m., NBC
NFC Wild Card Game 2: Green Bay Packers vs. Washington, at 4:40 p.m., FOX

Game 1 - Seahawks (duh)...
Game 2 - Kirk Cousins takes out Greenbay. Washington has been on fire lately and Rodgers and the Packers have looked awful this season..

Lastly - the National Championship Monday Night - Clemson vs Alabama...Tigers all the way, going 15-0.

FAMES of the WEEK
Since it's the end of the regular season, The Fames of the Week go to the Champions of Fantasy this season! AJJ and Yours Truly!!

AJJ's team Upper Decker fought her way to the top and won the girl's league - The Trophy Wives Club. In what has to be the most pathetic final score in the history of Fantasy Football, AJJ beat out Sacks in the City by just .28 pts. But hey, a win's a win! She takes home the trophy, the money and the bragging rights!! Atleast 1 Johnson family member knows how to play Fantasy!! Way to go, Gangsta!!

As for me? Not only did I win my 1st Championship in the guy's league - Seminole Fluid, but my team the Cleveland Steamers shit all over the competition this season, winning me extra cash for most points. I have joined the elite winners circle along side Fantasy Great Pete the Mussbuss. The best part? I have a Championship and Meide still doesn't. (AJJ's lesser half doesn't either.). BOOM!!

SHAME of the WEEK
The Glitter Queen of the House TyDell
Since there the Corner took a two week break to celebrate the Holidays, I thought that I wouldn't get the pleasure of awarding Ms TyDell this Shame because I assumed the situation would have been rectified...but alas, she had no such luck!!

Before Christmas, at the Manor in LaBundy Hills, Ms TyDell wore a Fantabulous Glitter Gown. She looked lovely. But as many of you know, Glitter has a tendency to get on EVERYTHING it comes within a 5 mile radius of...and it doesn't die. Once there, it's there for life. It's like the Herpes of the Fashion industry. Well at LaBundy Hills, against her better judgement, the Glitter Queen took a seat on their newly acquired sofa...and by the time she got up it was so sparkly you'd think a Unicorn Farted Fairy Dust all over it. Glitter. EVERYWHERE.

So here we are, 5 weeks later and there are still traces of the Glittering that took place. For Shame Ms TyDell - For SHAME!!!
Fun Fact: She plans on wearing it to the wedding next month and give out Free Hugs!!

Well that's enough rambling for this edition - thanks for stopping by and reading this nonsense. If you enjoyed it or had any complaints please feel free and comment below (all the cool kids comment). Also if you have any suggestions for the Corner you can bring it up below or under the Topics section. Lastly if you have a Nic Cage movie you think I should suffer through then let me know - the Cage-ier the better!!

Thanks again, Hope this kicks your Friday off right!! Have a Great Day and Wonderful weekend!!

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ERROR 404: FUNNY NOT FOUND

12/29/2015

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Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!!

Thanks for stopping by to read the "News", but unfortunately there's nothing worth reporting this week that can't wait until after the Holidays!! Not that I need a vacation from my "job", I am enjoying spending some quality time with my beautiful wife and our amazing families. Not to worry though, The Corner will be back in the New Year with more Sports, more crazy News stories, more bad jokes, and many, many more Memes!!

Quick Note - I do want to thank you all for participating with this blog, reading commenting and encouraging everything along the way. It's been a fun project to get off and running, and I can promise some new updates and fun changes in the New Year!!!

Now in the meantime, turn off your porn machine and go spend time with your family & friends!!

Have a Great Day, a Happy Holidays and as Always - Go Noles!!

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Atlanta Friends Group Fantasy Re-Cap PART: II

12/27/2015

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Welcome to the Atlanta Friends Group Fantasy Re-Cap PART:II. If you're just joining us, you haven't missed much. It'll take just a few seconds to catch you up: Meide lost in epic fashion to Petey, squashing his Fantasy hope again for the 5th year in a row; Both Curran Teams are in the hunt for a Championship, Tacy had a Shakespearean fall from grace they will be writing tragedies about for years to come, and Yudell's team finished Dead Last. Again.

That about sums it all up. Make sense? Ok, on to the recap.

Once again, Ladies first:

TROPHY WIVES CLUB
Week 15 saw the 1st round of the Trophy Wives' Club - 8 teams battling it out for supremacy in their 2nd Annual Tournament. In proper Re-Cap form, let's Re-cap my predictions from last week's Re-Cap..

Re-Cap Re-Cap:
I predicted last week:
"Back That Pass Up whips the shit out of Forte Shades of Grey, Sacks in the City slams Dez Nuts into the ground; Victorious Secret sinks the Gina Marie, and Bangs, Bangs, Bangs flushes Upper Deckers' dreams straight down the crapper. (Yes, Puns intended) Then again, I also go into every weekend thinking the Jaguars are going to win, so I might not completely understand how football works."

Looks like my predictions were 75% accurate.

(#8) Back That Pass Up demolished (#1) Forte Shades of Grey 123.81 - 101.81. The main difference maker? The Washington Redskins. (Wouldn't have guessed I'd be typing that at any point this season). Back That Pass Up relied on DeSean Jackson & Jordan Reed's 45.95 points.
(#2) Sacks in the City kicked (#7) Dez Nuts to the curb winning 139.61-11.79. Despite the historic game of Dez Nuts' QB Teddy Bridgewater (40.94 pts!!), it was the clutch play of Matt Stafford (28 pts) and Arizona's Defense (26 pts against the Eagles) that led Sacks to this victory
(#3) Victorious Secret thoroughly embarrassed (#6) Captain Gina Marie 152.13 - 87.80 .With the high score of the week, Victorious Secret was firing on all cylinders having all players outscore their projections except Jax RB Denard Robinson. I hope Nicole bought you dinner before bending you over like that,
(#4) Upper Decker took a heavy deuce on former champion (#5) Bangs, Bangs, Bangs, with a final score of 99.34 - 87.33. Led by Buffalo WR/FSU Alum Sammy Watkins (25.35 pts) and the Bengals D (24pts), AJJ's squad squashed the hopes of a repeat and opened the stage for a new Champion to emerge this year.

Well done to the Final Four - you make winning look good!!

Unfortunately, only 2 of you will remain champions for the next few hours, the other 2 are destined to fade into obscurity and be forgotten quicker than Vince young's career. (**crickets**).

Week 16 officially kicked off Thursday Night with The Raiders vs San Diego, and continued last night with Washington vs Philly. For those dumb enough to Start Amari Cooper I pity you (yup, I did that) and if you had Kirk Cousins, I hope you started him (nope, I didn't - but we'll get in to that in the guys re-cap)

While Captain Gina Marie Bangs, Bangs, Bangs, Dez Nuts and Forte Shades of Grey all play for the who cares, it's not 1st place award, the main events are as follows:

(#2) Sacks in the City (STC) vs (#8) Back That Pass Up (BTP) Last week BTP shocked the Women's League by taking out the Champ with ease. Will her winning streak continue as she faces STC? IF you go by records, shouldn't happen - but early projections as of right now are giving BTP the clear advantage. Is it because BTP has a stacked team hungry for a Championship? Or is it because STC forgot to sub out Odell Beckham Jr? Probably the last one. Well, that and she is off to a fantastic lead thanks to the help of Jordan Reed's 28.15 pts against the Eagles Saturday Night. Projections currently 118.48-89.25 in favor of BTP.
(#3) Victorious Secret (VS) vs (#4) Upper Decker (UD) OTP vs ITP. Curran vs Johnson. Blonde vs Burnette...Good vs...well Good. This head-to-head match-up pits the studly line-up the VS squad of QB Blake Bortles, WR Antonio Brown, and RB Todd Gurley against the heavyweights of UD, including RB Adrian Petersen, WR Sammy Watkins & the unstoppable D of the Cincinnati Bengals. Projections currently 114.64-102.36, edge going to VS.

Fun Fact: None of the teams listed last year finished in the Top 4. The closest was Upper Decker, who completed the 1st season in 5th place.

Here's how I see things panning out:
Back That Pass Up upsets the #2 seed Sacks in the City with or without a replacement for Odell, and Victorious Secret bitch-slaps Upper Decker out of contention. Come next week, it will Be Back That Pass Up battling it out for the much coveted trophy. Not to toot my horn, but I was pretty damn accurate last week. But then again, I make this up as I go.

Side Note: It's worth mentioning that Mrs Ogbaratta is currently leading an all-dudes' league and fighting her way to a Championship. More on that next week.

Now that we covered the Ladies, it's on to the Men's Re-Cap:

SEMINOLE FLUID
Week 15 came down to the Final Four - MussBuss went head to head against Fullman, and I faced off against 🐒💨. Again to Re-Cap the Re-Cap..

Re-Cap Re-Cap:
Last week I predicted
"Muss-Buss the edge in favorable match-ups, and see him taking this one." and..."I think I got this one and will be fighting next week for my 1st Championship title in Seminole Fluid." Well, I was 1/2 right.

Here's how it went down:

(#1) Boomshakalaka (BS) destroyed (#4) MB2 MF1 PM1 MM0 (Muss) 101.76-86.66; ending the MussBuss' hopes of adding another Championship to his Trophy Case. BS was led by the Kansas City Def scoring 21 pts - the most of any contributor for either teams this week. MussBuss' problems started with his faith in Fitzpartick and the Jets, and ended with leaving 51+pts on the bench. That's just bad team management! Then again, it can be hard to decide which RB to start when you have 7 on your overall roster. Congrats to Fullman, who moves on to fight for his 2nd Championship.
(#2) Cleveland Steamers (Me) annihilated (#3) PFFFFFFFFT (🐒💨) in a win for the ages scoring 125.88-103.56. Led by the smooth moves of WR Antonio Brown, (30.9 pts) and the nasty New England Def (18pts) my boys came to play! 🐒💨's faith in the Jets ultimately was his downfall as well, as he started 2 Jets RB (Ivory & Powll) as well as an underwhelming Brandon Marshall. Having knocked that Jabroni out of the way, it's on to bigger and better things for this guy!!

Sorry Losers, better luck next year!!

On to the Championship:

(#1) Boomshakalaka (BS) vs (#2) Cleveland Steamers (Me) - As I mentioned earlier, this jackass made a last minute change benching Michael Crabtree (9.90 pts) in favor of Amari Cooper (1 pt) on Thursday night. I also left Kirk Cousins (32.5pts) on the bench last night...basically giving BS the perfect opportunity to take this one as I botched the chance to jump to a 43pt lead. Lucky for me though I picked up the Skins Def at last minute getting me right back in the game with 15 pts against Philly last night. Will that matter? Who knows. In the end, this match up could come down to 3 games: Arizona vs Green Bay (as BS is Starting QB Carson Palmer & RB Eddie Lacey); Jacksonville vs New Orleans (as I'm starting WR Allen Robinson & TE Ben Watson) and who Big Ben decides to throw to - BS has Martavius Bryant, I have Antonio Brown. Early Yahoo Projecctions have me (107.97-101.77)

Fun Fact: The rest of our Match-ups take place Sunday at 1 & 4:25 pm. So Seminole Fluid will have a new Championship by the * pm Game Sunday Night.

The battle for 3rd place will also take place this weekend as (#4) MB2 MF1 PM1 MM0 (Muss) goes head to head against (#3) PFFFFFFFFT (🐒💨). Quick prediction: It's not 1st, so no one cares. Yahoo Projections have MussBuss taking it (94.72-86.99)

Here's how I see things panning out::
MussBuss boasts the best RB squad in our League and 🐒💨 is already off to a sad start with San Diego TE Antonio Brown only putting up 1.1 pt...In the End, MussBuss fights his way to 3rd place taking out the #3 seed 🐒💨.

And as for this years' Seminole Fluid Champion - ...This Guy!!It won't be easy, but with a squad made up of Tom Brady, Devonta Freeman & Antonio Brown, I see a Championship in Cleveland Steamers' future I got a good feeling about this - it's my Championship for the taking!! Then again, I'm usually wrong when it comes to picking the winners (Just ask Pete ad his Fancy Dinners...I'll get to that tomorrow).

Will I be right? Probably not - but at least I'm optimistic.

Well that's it for the Re-Cap. Thanks for sticking around to the end if you did. Goodluck to everyone playing this week and may the Gods of Fantasy look down on you favorably this weekend.

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Curran's Corner - STAR WARS DAY!!!!

12/18/2015

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Good morning and Happy Happy Friday!!

Congratulations - you made it through another week! Only 8 more hours of your daily grind until it's time to P-A-R-T-Y!! Or rest up and watch the kids. I don't know what you do with your free time. But I do know that Christmas is 1 week away so if you haven't yet, it would probably be a good time to start Christmas Shopping...or hit up the Amazon.com. That place is the bomb for Holiday needs and you don't have to sit through this awful Atlanta Traffic. Aside from that, nothing else going on except...STAR WARS! Not sure if I let on that I'm excited about that yet, but I'm going to be having a Huge Nerdgasm at 7 o'clock sharp tonight. Sorry Nicole.

I've been running these a bit longer over the last couple weeks, so I'll try my best to keep this one short and sweet. That, and I'm getting a bit of the ol Carpal Tunnel, just finished up my Fantasy Re-Cap which can be read below this post. So if you got the patience, a little bit of time and a fresh cup of coffee then read away my friends! Thanks again for your time and support and I hope you enjoy!

SPORTS
NFL -
Starting off where we always do, let's jump right into the good stuff - Football. A lot of good games to cover. Especially for me & CJ's Jags. Last week the Hometown Heroes faced off in a Division rivalry game against the reigning AFC South Champs the Indianapolis Colts, under the leadership of AARP member Matt Hasselbeck. Despite having no Luck, The Colts have still been winning big games recently - while the Jaguars are coming of a 2 game losing streak with any hopes of somehow sneaking into the playoffs resting solely on this game. The first half was nothing impressive with Jags trailing 9-13...but in the 2nd 1/2 Blake Bortles EXPLODED, leading the Jags to score 42 unanswered points!!!! Jags won in Epic Fashion, defeating those Ponies 51-16!! The single largest margin of victory and highest score in Jaguars History!

Fun Fact #1: Jacksonville's victory Sunday ended the Colts' 16-game winning streak in the AFC South - the longest division streak in NFL history.

Fun Fact #2: Blake Bortles currently has 30 TDs this season. He is just the 3rd QB in NFL history with 30+ passing TDs through 13 games in a season in their 1st or 2nd year. the other 2 QBs? Dan Marino & Kurt Warner.

Fun Fact #3: No one has thrown more TDs since week 5 than Bortles. He's Actually Tied with Brady. He also ranks as the 3rd QB this year in Passing TDs. Brady is 1st with 33, and Palmer is 2nd with 31.

Last bit about the Jags - with that win, and the loss from the Titans and the Texans last weekend, the Jags are right back in the hunt for the Playoffs!! Now in order for that to happen we have to win out, the Colts have to lose to the Texans and then one other game, and Tennessee has to beat the Texans in Week 16. It's a long shot, but there's a chance!!!!

Moving on, the Falcons are getting worse, believe it or not. They were DEMOLISHED this weekend by Cam Newton and Co 38-0. Granted, they did play the Superbowl Bound, undefeated Carolina Panthers in Charlotte, NC - but still. These guys have given up. Their next challenge is a fired up Jacksonville team playing with a purpose. Would not be surprised if this is the nail in the coffin for their season and I don't see this ending well for Head Coach Dan Quinn.

Next up: The Eagles. Looks like there's life in those Birds yet. With a 4th Quarter Field Goal, Philly's Finest took out the Mrs Sins' beloved Buffalo Bills to move to 6-7 - tied in their division for 1st place and their playoff hopes very much alive. As much as I despise the Eagles, have to give them credit - they're pulling it off. However they have a tough schedule a head facing the Cardinals this week, the 2 must win Division games against the Redskins & the Giants in order to make it. But since I'm being delusional & optimistic about my guys, I can't hate on Dugan & Meide for being hopeful about their Eagles as well.

Elsewhere in the NFL, Brady & Gronk took care of business taking out the Texans to regain #1 seed in the AFC. Russell Wilson continued to take his sexual frustrations out on the field, destroying the Ravens 35-6. And ol' Discount Double-Check Aaron Rodgers is back to his old ways dismantling the Cowboys with ease. Oh and the Broncos? Looks like the thrill is gone. Brock may not be the chosen one after all. His two game winning streak was abruptly ended in embarrassing fashion against Derrick Carr & the Oakland Raiders. It's not that surprising though, considering that Raiders Head Coach Jack Del Rio designed the Broncos defense himself while working there for the past few years before taking the job in Oakland. It also doesn't help that Broncos star Wide Receiver can't hold onto the ball. He leads the league in dropped passes with 9 so far this season.

Lastly, the Steelers vs Bengals match up. Big Ben vs The Red Rifle. Ogbaratta vs Musser. A Grudge match for AFC North dominance. A whole lot of history here - as well as a whole lot of hate. This sign says it all:

Heading it this game Bengals were leading the division with a 10-2 record, and the Steelers were fighting for a Wild Card spot with a record of 7-5. Not a must win for the Bengals but a "like-to-win" scenario. But everything changed when Bengals QB Andy Dalton went down with a broken thumb on his throwing hand, and Alabama Alum AJ Mccarron stepped in to lead the Bengals straight into hell, losing 33-20. Dalton returned to the field later with a Black Cast over his forearm and hand, but he was not cleared to play. In fact, Dalton's status is now week-to-week with a small chance he could return to save the team. But with Andy out, the AFC North landscape has changed...Steelers win out, and Bengals lose the next 3 then the Steelers head to the playoffs and the Bengals hopes may be squashed again. Sorry Pete (Congrats Gina!)

Fun Fact: An Alabama QB has not one a single game in the NFL since 1987. But apparently McCarron doesn't think that applies to him, seeing how after his loss to the Steelers last Sunday he compared himself to Tom Brady when he was thrust into the limelight with a Drew Bledsoe injury and Brady led the Patriots to win the Super Bowl in 2001. Yea, somebody check that guy for a concussion, he's not thinking straight.

Before I move on, here's the rest of the losers that can't catch this year:

BASEBALL -
While normally I don't cover this "sport", something happened this week (or didn't happen I should say) that is worth mentioning. Pete Rose is still banned from Major League Baseball. Yup, big news/non-news. Rose, who was banned from baseball in 1989 after the league's investigation into his gambling, applied for reinstatement for a second time in February (the 1st time being in 1997). MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that he had rejected Rose's plea for reinstatement, citing that Rose is STILL gambling and more evidence surfacing that he bet on games when he was playing for the Cincinnati Reds. Based on talent alone, Rose would be Hall of Fame bound, finishing his career with 4,256 hits. However since he is a degenerate gambler that bet on the very sort he was playing and possibly games he was playing in/managing, he is banned from Baseball for life and cannot be in the Hall of Fame unless the ban is lifted. I bet he doesn't get back in...

THE DONALD
You're probably thinking right about now - The Donald? as in Trump? What does he have to do with Sports? Not much, except that someone decided to Make the NFL Great Again and re-design every NFL Logo with the likeness of the Great Orange One. Check out the link earlier, they're pretty funny. Credit goes to Tace of Base for the heads up on this. My Favorite two:
The Eagles

and Da Bears

NERD NEWS
STAR WARS
As previously mentioned, today is a big day for Nerds and Virgins everywhere - the New Star Wars comes out. And it's kinda a Big Deal. How Big? Prior to the first actual screenings which began Thursday at Midnight, Star Wars: The Force Awakens shattered fandango record sales, breaking the All-Time Ticketing Record before even being seen once. Basically the ADVANCE Ticket sales out-sold movie ticket sales for films that had their entire run in theaters already.

With all this hype and hoopla, of course there's those out there to ruin it for everyone. Angry Star Wars Extremists are threatening to spoil the movie for everyone by releasing the plot, twists and ending online after seeing the film unless their demands are met. They are calling themselves "The Alliance to Preserve the Expanded Universe" Their Demands? Besides the touch of a real woman? They want all their stories back. Basically when Disney bought Star Wars, Disney did away with any un-authorized "cannon" or as they call it the Expanded Universe - and they made some might mad nerds in the process. They're so mad at Disney and Star Wars, that they all bought tickets for Midnight so they could be the first to see it and then unleash their “spoil-jihadi” on the new movie, ruining it for other fans unless Disney agrees to continue the old EU (now dubbed Star Wars Legends) with new content. Kinda makes sense they'd revert to terrorist threats considering what the original Star Wars is basically about:

GAINESVILLE SMELLS LIKE PISS
According to recent reports, UF will now stand for Urine Football if Environmental Engineering Professor Treavor Boyer has his way. Boyer is proposing that The Swamp in Gainesville and all of the people attending the football games be part of a massive science experiment in sustainability. Basically he wants fertilize their field with urine. His idea is to stop streaming urine to a wastewater facility and collect the pee in giant vats at the stadium instead to then use to fertilize the field. “We know a can should get recycled. I don’t think most people feel that way about urine, right? Most people don’t urinate and be like ‘That should have been recycled and recovered,'” he said. “My sort of vision of maybe a slightly skewed world that’s what I want people to think about every time they urinate, like wow, those are nutrients that could have been saved and reused,” he added. Gross. Go Gata?

CATS WILL KILL YOU - Especially at Christmas!!
Christmas is a time for giving, a time to reflect on the many blessings you have and spend your days with the ones you love. Unless you're in Iceland. There Christmas is a time for working hard, and getting new clothes so the scary as Yule Cat won't eat you. This Icelandic Christmas Myth was apparently devised as a way of enhancing productivity among the working class. According to the National Museum of Iceland, “It is likely that the Yule Cat myth was originally designed to urge farm workers to perform well prior to Christmas… Those who did not… [ended] up in the Yule Cat.". So workers who were deemed productive were given new clothing and thereby made safe from the Yule Cat. Those who were considered to be lazy however, were left without new clothes, and made vulnerable to the feral feline with a taste for human flesh. Basically like Garfield meets The Walking Dead. Merry Christmas?

FARTING MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
Love Stinks Ladies. It's true. Well according to Cosmo it is. Yes the Women's magazine, claims that the Key to a great relationship (for Women) is Farting in front of your Boyfriend/lover. The article goes on to say that by lowering your guard and letting those Love Toots Loose, women can be themselves around their partner - Despite the fact that your place will now smell like the bathroom of a low-budget Mexican restaurant. Although it sounds crazy, there's alot of truth to it. Me and the misses let that guard down pretty early on (back when we were just roomates) and ever since I don't mind suffocating her with my Dead Liver Stinkers. She may regret it, but I sure don't. And look at us - hap hap happy as hell!!! We use a TON of Febreeze, but Happy none-the-less!!

MEME of The WEEK

Going to take a break from the norm this week and go off script. There was no stand-out Shame of the Week - but some good news on 2 fronts that needed to be shared so instead there will be 2 separate "Fame of the Week"s.

FAME of The WEEK #1
The Mussers
Turns out when he's not busy running over precious packages in his driving and cooking up some sweet meats with his man-friend Oggi, the Muss-buss has been,well busy gettin' busy. Yes, it turns out Mrs Musser was not satisfied with having one ridiculously good-looking baby so she decided to go ahead and make another! It has been Baby-Making time up here in Atlanta, and I'm excited to see our numbers grow! When the Apocolpyse comes, we're going to have quite the army on our hands. Congrats are definitely in order for the First Family of OTP - couldn't be happier for you all!!! Here's a quick peak into your Christmas future:

FAME of The WEEK #2
"El Toro" Dalrymple
All healed up from his Key West wounds, El Toro made his way back to work and realized that his job sucked. Seriously sucked. He's been doing a a few levels above his paygrade for months now with the promise of a promotion dangling out in front like a carrot on a stick. Although people were jumping ship left and right, he stuck it out and gave them the chance to make things right - but let them know they had til the years end to do so. With the writing on the wall that they were not going to show him the money and the year coming to a close, he made a move. Juggling interviews, negotiating terms and piting offers against each other, the Boy has become The MAN! El Toro officially accepted his new position with a company up in Alpharetta, landed a huge much deserved raise and reeled in a solid signing Bonus. He'll be starting the new year off on the right foot - at a job he fought for in a position he deserves. Hats off my man, damn proud of you!!

Well, that's about it. My best efforts failed and I still rambled on way too long - but thanks again for sticking around and I hope this helped to start your morning off right. Please comment or like below if you enjoyed - or leave a bit of feedback if you didn't. Either way is great with me.

If I don't see you before Christmas/Festivus/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah then be safe and be Merry. Have a great Holiday week, and as always - go Noles (And Jags!!)

Now Go Forth - Tackle the day, and May the Force Be With You!! (hehe)

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Atlanta Friends 2015 Fantasy Football Recap

12/17/2015

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If you're reading this then you are either aware that the Fantasy Football Season is coming to a close and came to see how your team did - or you have stumbled on to the wrong website. My guess is it's probably the later, but I'll continue regardless.

It's been a fun, exciting and unpredictable year of Football this season. We've seen the rise of some unexpected heroes having breakout years such as Falcon's RB Devonta Freeman, Panther's QB Cam Newton, and Jaguars WR Allen Robinson. At the same time, there have been quite a few that have noticeably fallen from grace - including Seahawks' TE Jimmy Graham, Bronco's QB Peyton Manning and basically the entire Philadelphia Eagles organization (especially DeMarco Murray). This season has seen the Rise of the Bengals, the Struggles of the Packers, and the Self-Destruction of Miami. It has been a really good year, which in turn has made for some really exciting Fantasy Football. It's been a nice escape from the reality that my real team sucks really, really bad...

Fantasy Football is an interesting and addictive Beast. It's a weekly game of make believe - Dungeons & Dragons for Jocks & Monday Morning Quarterbacks. It is many things - but one thing it is not is predictable. You can have all the Football knowledge in the world, be a stat machine and be able to quote Adam Shefter by heart - but sometimes that isn't enough. You could have pages on pages of Draft Strategy, execute moves on the Waiver Wire with amazing proficiency and you can still lose. In the end it takes a combination of all of those skills & luck. A lot of luck. But not Andrew Luck - that guy sucks now.

Anyways, back to the point of this article - the Recap. Throughout the ramblings below we'll just go over 2 of the more prominent leagues that the Atlanta Friends Group are involved in - the Ladies Only group "The Trophy Wives Club" made up some highly competitive women, and the Dudes Only/Douchebag League "Seminole Fluid" - mostly made up of a bunch of shit talkers and shifty individuals.

Being the Gentleman I am, I'll let the Ladies go first...

The Trophy Wives League, is a 12 Team League that allows an 8 man line up of QB, WR, RB, TE, WR/TE Flex, WR/RB Flex, Kicker, & Defense. Lead by the Wonderful Woman formerly known as Greathead & her associate Mrs Ogmaratta, the league is now in it's sophomore year. Of the 12 teams, they have an extensive 8 Team Playoff Elimination that starts tonight Week 15, and ends with the regular Season of the NFL.

It wasn't always this way though...12 is much more manageable than the 14 Teams that competed last year! That is just crazy! Anyways - to handle this much "talent", they broke the leagues up into 3 Divisions, with the Division leader from each advancing, and the rest of the spots occupied by teams according to record and points.

Divisions:
Pretty Is Smarter than you Think
Victorious Secret (Mrs Curran)
Erin is a Semi-Hoe (Dugan)
Cho Nation (duh)
Beginners Luck (Yudell)

Hoes Before Bros
Upper Decker (AJJ)
Dez Nuts (Chelsea)
Back That Pass Up (Name With-held)
Tace of Base (duh)

The Wealth is Real
Forte Shades of Grey (Laura)
Sacks in the City (Addison)
Bangs Bangs Bangs (Erin)
Captain Gina Marie (duh)

Some very funny and ironic names. My two favorites are the "Funny-Cause-it's-True" name of Dugan's team (love you Erin) and the pure Irony of Yudell's name. Why is that ironic? Maybe because the name Beginners Luck implied she has found some sort of luck from the start becoming an overnight success/prodigy. However this could not be further from the truth as she has finished firmly in Last Place for the second year in a row. Congrats Jenn.

The Final Standings are as follows:

Forte Shades of Grey (10-4)
Sacks in the City (9-5)
Victorious Secret (9-5)
Upper Decker (8-6)
Bangs Bangs Bangs (8-6)
Captain Gina Marie (8-6)
Dez Nuts (7-7)
Back That Pass Up (6-8)
Erin is a Semi-Hoe (6-8)
Cho Nation (5-9)
Tace of Bace (4-10)
Beginners Luck (4-10)

Fun Facts - Dugan missed the playoffs by 53 points, and Tacy saved herself from being the biggest loser by just 28 points. That especially hurts for 3 reasons. 1 ) She knows more about football than most of my guy friends; 2) She finished 4th last year; and 3) You may not know this but she is a BIT competitive.

Since their playoffs just start this weekend, quick note from last year - the 8 teams that made it to the Playoffs were: 1st -Bangs, Bangs Bangs, 2nd -Italian Stallion (Shelli); 3rd - Mackin' on Meide (Jamie); 4th - Tace of Base; 5th - Upper Decker; 6th - Captain Gina Marie, 7th Cho Nation; 8th - Nelson Domination (Cercone). So congrats to the teams that repeated, and a big congrats to the new blood that made it this year!! As for Tace & Cho from 4th & 7th all the way down to 10th & 11th? SHAME!!! Seriously. Shame.

The match-ups ahead are some good ones going into the weekend.

#1 Forte Shades of Grey (FSG) vs #8 Back That Pass Up (BTP)- FSGs Squad of Brees, Brandon Marshall & Fitzgerald take on BTP Rodgers, DeAngelo & Jordan Reed. While FSG boasts 4 more regular season wins that BTP, if they both set their line-ups (which they haven't as of Thurs Night) this could be the closest battle of the weekend - each projected at about 104+ pts each.
#2 Sacks in the City (STC) vs #7 Dez Nuts (DZ) - This is a battle of Insight Globalites - STC having the clear edge being led by Odell, Doug Martin & the Lesser Manning is projected to win by 15 pts against DZ's team led by Dez, Gronk & Jarvis Landry.
#3 Victorious Secret (VS) vs #6 Captain Gina Marie (CGM) - The Power Struggle - Commish vs Co/Commish. Early projections favor VS with her well balanced team of Bortles, Antonio & Gurley, but I wouldn't count out CGM with her stable of studs Big Ben, Megatron & AJ Green. This will be a good one.
#4 Upper Decker (UD) vs #5 Bangs, Bangs, Bangs (BBB) - This one may be too close to call. This is the only match-up with two Playoff Vetrans from last year's league going head to head. UD has the immortal AP, young gun Sammy Watkin & Lamar Miller; while Bangs, Bangs, Bangs boasts Brady, Alshon & Golden Tate. One things for sure - Kate may have gotten a good laugh with her name at your expense Erin, but I'm not sure it's as funny when she's on the bench while you're back in the playoffs for a second time.

Fun Fact: Yudell just found out she is not in the playoffs Wed....as in yesterday. Here is a text from my wife's phone...hehe. Thanks for the laugh Yudell. Better Luck next year!

Here's how I see things panning out:
Back That Pass Up whips the shit out of Forte Shades of Grey, Sacks in the City slams Dez Nuts into the ground; Victorious Secret sinks the Gina Marie, and Bangs, Bangs, Bangs flushes Upper Deckers' dreams straight down the crapper. (Yes, Puns intended) Then again, I also go into every weekend thinking the Jaguars are going to win, so I might not completely understand how football works.

We'll see how right I am after this weekend. Good Luck Ladies!!! Now enough of this estrogen - On to the Dudes!!!

Seminole Fluid is a 10 man league comprised mostly of Johnson & Meide's Motley Crew of friends from college. Plus Me. And Gannon. And the Muss-Buss. So basically a bunch of dudes from Jax and Pete. Each team in this league holds a 9 man starting roster of QB, 2 WRs, 2 RBs, TE, WR/RB/TE Flex, Kicker & Defense. This rag-tag of losers has been together since 2011 and the respect for each other is only outweighed by the mutual disdain we have towards each other.

Our playoffs consist of 6 Teams battling it out starting Week 14 - so they started last week and are very much underway. So much as in real life, the Guys came first. Another difference is our top 2 seeds receive a bye in the first week, while the rest of those Jabronis fight it out. Before I recap last week, I'll start with the final Rankings heading into the playoffs:

Boomshakalaka (11-2) - Fullman
Cleveland Steamers (9-4) - Me
PFFFFFFFFFFT (8-5) - Gannon
MB2 MF1 PM1 MM0 (7-6) - Muss-Buss
WetDownGetDown (7-6) - Meide
Sophia's Food Stamps (6-7) - Corini
Testes McNutsack (6-7) - Greg the Commish
Josh Groban (6-7) - Braunstein
Bortle Combat (5-8) - Will
Cal Naughton Jr (5-8) - James
Sally2Dicks (4-9) Carlos
Hold My Dick Butkus (4-9) - Kyle

While most of the names are self explanatory(If you don't know what mine means, Google it) there are 2 that are worth explaining.

PFFFFFFFFFT is phonetically pronounced as it sounds & loosely translates into 🐒💨. Gannon's trademark throughout the 1st few weeks of the season (while undefeated) was giving an in-depth analysis of each teams performance by pointing out who shit the bed that week and gave them a Farting Monkey logo (much like a good work in grade school got you a Gold Star, bad games in Fantasy give you a Farting Monkey).
MB2 MF1 PM1 MM0 has been the Muss-Buss' name that he changes it to the week he plays Meide. You may not know this about Meide, but he is an avid shit talker. He gives pre-Draft predictions, post-draft analysis, and lights up the message boards with his word vomit. He talks alot of shit - and sometimes backs it up. However when push comes to shove, he has never won a championship. And that's what Pete's team name means...MBraunstein has 2; MFullman has 2; Pete has 1, MMeide has 0. Maybe this year he can add a number to those initials...maybe...

Quick Note - Kyle stopped playing we believe around week 8 or so (and has started Le'veon Bell everyweek even though he's been on Injured Reserve for the last month & 1/2) and this is Carlos' first year in the league. Both deserve an Astericks next to their names. That means Johnson was just barely better than guy who hasn't set his lineup since October and a newbie. (2 of his wins did come against me though). Well done James, here's your trophy:

As I mentioned earlier, the Playoffs kicked off last week with Fullman and I receiving some much needed rest (seriously needed for me...lost my last 3 regular season games, and only scored 74 last week...ugh) while the 4 other playoff teams fought it out.

Here's a quick Re-cap of how that went down

#3 PFFFFFFFFT (🐒💨) vs #6 Sophia's Food Stamps (SFS) - Heading into this macth-up, the numbers nerds over at Yahoo had projected SFS to win by 5 pts. Led by Cam with 23 pts and the Steelers D at 16 pts, a few players went above projections - however due to a stale performance by Megatron & Mike Evans, (PFT) was able to capitalize with a stellar showing by Russell "The Virgin" Wilson and his 32+ pts. Brandon Marshall throwing up 18.5 didn't hurt either. In the end SFS fell to the might of 🐒💨 (106.68 - 92.6).Not a good week when your second highest score comes from your Defense. 🐒💨 moves on...
#4 MB2 MF1 PM1 MM0 (Muss) vs #5 WetDownGetDown (Meide). This was the big one. The Grudge match. For weeks Meide had message board Schizophrenia, 1 week saying he's back and on his way to the Championship, the next week saying he doesn't even care this year and his team stinks. That aside, Meide called his shot 2 weeks ago that whoever won this bout would win the whole thing this year. With one championship underhis belt, Pete would enjoy a 2nd - but Meide needs this. 4 years, no Championships...it means pride and validation and so much more...So is this the MadDog's year? Nope. Not by a long shot. His 3 top scores coming from Michael Floyd, Barniddge & Alshon Jeffrey all circling 15 pts, his team was only able to muster up 86.68 pts. Pete's team, on the other hand, came to play. Led by Lamar Miller with almost 21 pts, Tyrod Taylor with 19 and his kicker scoring 12, he outscored Meide by 10. In the end, Muss wins (96.62 - 86.62).

Fun Fact: Meide is officially Pete's Bitch. With Regular Season and Playoff match-ups, these two teams have faced off 9 times over the last 5 years. In that span, Meide has won twice. Yup, Muss-Buss owns the MadDog 7-2. Ouch.

fWith last week out of the way, the 4 remaining teams consist of Fullman, Muss-Buss, Gannon, and Me. The first 3 have made it to the playoffs each year since the league's inception. Me? Well this is my 2nd appearance. My first season led to a humiliating 12th place finish. The next year I made the playoffs and finished 3rd - and last year I had a Tacy-esque fall from grace going back to 9th. However this year, I beat all odds and made it back to the playoffs to make another run. Maybe it's because I have a lot of free time to devote to Fantasy due to my "Lack of Employment" and "Absence of Responsibilities". Or maybe it's because I got lucky. Time will Tell.

One of the more exciting developments this year was the evolution of the Trade Rape. "Trade Rape" is defined as (according to Urban Dictionary) To be taken advantage of in a most foul way while playing fantasy sports. Basically it's screwing someone over to get what you need. Usually its a lopsided trade that seems good at first glance, but is instantly regretted once accepted.

Our League has encountered this type of activity before, however I bring it up because it directly influenced the current standings in our Playoffs. It started this year Week 4 when Pete needed a WR and smelled blood in the water as my #1 draft pick Marshawn Lynch was under performing and hurt. So Pete offered me Rawls (Seattle's' then Backup RB) as a Lynch handcuff, in exchange for Eric Decker. Decker went on to blow up thhat week while Rawls fizzled. I had been Trade Raped. And it hurt.

Down but not out, I shook it off, made a plan to redeem myself and set my eyes on a Big Fish. My QB was Luck, but he had gotten hurt Week 3 and I had a feeling this was not his year. Meide drafted Luck last year and killed it all season, and seeing that success I snagged him myself for this year - but it was shaping out to be a bust. So with Luck gone, Meide took Brady. Knowing Meide's love for talking shit and proving me wrong, I conceived a plan to get the 4 time Super Bowl Champ. With a little bit of scheming, a bit of deception, and a whole lot of ego stroking, I managed to convince MadDog to Trade me Tom Brady and Alfred Morris in exchange for Andrew Luck and Alshon Jeffrey. Jeffrey still managed to produce, and Morris was a bust - but Brady made all the difference, sharing the spotlight on my team with FSU alum Devonta Freeman.

With my Trade Boner going strong, I turned my attention back to Pete in Week 5 and aimed to right what had been wronged. I told him I'm over Lynch & Rawls and they were available. My target? Antonio Brown. He was RB hungry and Brown was still out, so there was huge upside. So we decided on a trade - I gave him James Jones (Greenbay), Lynch & Rawls in exchange for Pete handing me Antonio, Crabtree & David Johnson.

Why am I telling you this (aside from bragging just a bit)? Well because when Pete and I traded he was 1-3, struggling to win. Meide was 2-2 and I was 3-1. After that Pete went on to win 6 more and coast into 4th place, and I went on to clinch a 1st round bye with 2nd place. If those trades didn't happen, I wouldn't even have made the playoffs withour Brady & Antonio. Jameis would have been my QB, and Travis Benjamin would be my other receiver. As far as Meide? While Brady wouldn't have helped him win last week, who's to say he wouldn't have gone on to get a first round by had he not made that trade. So I guess what I'm trying to say is...Thanks boys!!

Moving on - this weekend's match ups.

#1 Boomshakalaka (BS) vs #4 MB2 MF1 PM1 MM0 (Muss) -This is the battle of the Titans. There are 3 Championship titles between these 2 behemoths, and they are both itching for another Trophy to put on that mantle. BS is led by the great Carson Palmer, Shady McCoy, and DeAndre Hopkins. Will they be able to fend off the force of Ryan Fitzpatrick, Lamar Miller & Chandrick West? Yahoo thinks not, giving BS a leg up with a projections of (104.79 vs 93.24).

Fun Fact: As of today, Muss has a total of 7...SEVEN Running Backs on his roster. Just in Case.

#2 Cleveland Steamers (Me) vs #3 PFFFFFFFFT (🐒💨). This one is a fight to the death between childhood friends. Me and 🐒💨 go way back, and this could be the end of that bromance. Led by Brady, Devonta & Antonio my team is poised to have a good week and jump out of my 3 game losing streak (4 if you compared my score last week to anyone's else). That being said, it may be no match for 🐒💨' squad of Wilson, Fitzgerald and Ivory. Yahoo gives me a slight edge but it's not enough to make a difference.

Fun Fact: You can trust Yahoo's Fantasy Football Projections about much as you can trust me when I say I'll be there (anywhere) early.

As far as my predictions this week?
In the Muss vs BS match up...Fitzpatrick is going to throw all over the Dallas D, and Decker is sure to benefit. Not to mention Charcandrick West against Baltimore. Palmer and DeAndre Hopkins are good, but DeAndre faces the Colts and has never scored a TD against their Defennse (and probably won't this week with TJ Yates as his QB) and Palmer faces a newly motivated Eagles Defense. I give Muss-Buss the edge in favorable match-ups, and see him taking this one.

As far as my match-up? Well, 🐒💨 is Doubling Down on the Jets run game, starting both Bilal Powell & Chris Ivory which could make or break him...and he is starting Brandon Marshall. Basically his whole weekend relies on the Jets. If Dallas shows up it's game over or he blows me away if they don't....and Wilson is about to explode....but Brady (and NE Defense which I have) faces Tennessee, Devonta Freeman faces the Jags awful D and my #2 WR Allen Robinson is going against a Falcons team that gave up 4 weeks ago. And I'll take Antonio against the Broncos D that couldnt shut down he Raiders. With that in mind, I think I got this one and will be fighting next week for my 1st Championship title in Seminole Fluid.

But what do I know. I make this stuff up as I go.

Well that's it for the Re-Cap. Thanks for sticking around to the end if you did. Goodluck to everyone playing this week and may the Gods of Fantasy look down on you favorably this weekend.

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Curran's Corner - CFB Withdrawl Weekend

12/11/2015

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Good morning and Happy Friday All!!

Here we are at the end of another long week, and looks like I didn't drop the ball completely and you are getting your Corner Piping hot, Fresh and ready on this early Friday morning. I'll try to keep this shorter than last week - I "MIGHT" have rambled on just a "bit" too long and got a "little" boring...my bad.

That being said, there are obviously very important things happening in the world that you need to know about - which is clearly why you're here, right? So I'll get to it and try to cover it all with out losing too many of you. Thanks in advance for ready and hope this helps get your Friday off to a good start.

SPORTS
BREAKING NEWS!!
If you're just waking up and this is the first thing you read, than I beat ESPN to the punch (Yay me!!). Remember how a couple weeks ago Mark Richt got fired from UGA? And then Remember how Kirby Smart, Nick Saban's Defensive Coordinator at Alabama was hired on as the new Head Coach of Georgia? Well in case you don't remember, that all happened - leaving a gaping hole in Saban's coaching staff that needed to be filled. Knowing Saban, he probably wanted someone with a little loyalty to fill those shoes - someone that will stick around for a couple years, right? Turns out, wrong. In a shocking move, Former FSU-Defensive Coordinator-turned-UGA-DC is now hightailing it out of Athens for a highly coveted job working with Saban. Following me?

Basically, Pruitt is Abandoning his jobs like it's his job...but at least he's finally BACK with the big Dawgs. Yup, Pruitt already worked on the Crimson Tide staff as the defensive backs coach from 2010-2012. Then he jumped ship for greener pastures and thicker wallets in Tallahassee. He had a long career in Tally for about 11 months living the easy life of inheriting a stout Seminole Defense that went on the win the National Championship, before jumping ship again to coach the Georgia Bulldogs defense into the ground. Seriously, he did a really bad job there (in my opinion). Now, with Smart coming on as Georgia's new Head Coach, Pruitt is jumping again - but I'm sure this time he'll stick around. Oh, and if it matters, he also played football for Alabama. My guess, he's there for 2 seasons before he takes the South Carolina job Will Muschamp is destined to be fired from. One things for sure, he makes Quitting look good!!

College Football Re-Cap
As you know, this past weekend was Championship weekend for College Football - where the best and brightest went head to head for their respective Conference Titles and a shot at earning a spot in the 2nd Annual National Championship Playoffs. While there were some good games, not really any surprises - except in the actual rankings of the final four. Before I touch on that - here's how things played out:
SEC Championship -
#2 Alabama vs #18 Florida Gators -
In a game that was MUCH closer than anticipated (atleast on this end) The Crimson Tide faced off against the Mighty Jort Nation right here in Atlanta this past Saturday. Favored by 18 points in Vegas and 24 points by the "great" mind behind the keys here...The Gators came to Play!! They came out the gates fired up and ready to do what Gators do - so confident in their game that they spotted Bama 2 pts in the 1st quarter! Talk about confidence!! ...Ok, just kidding, it was a sloppy safety. But in all honesty the Gators kept Bama in check for the rest of the 1st and held them to score only 10 in the 2nd quarter leaving the game 12-7 going in to the half. After 1/2 time it was a different game though as Bama gained momentum and scored 10 unanswered points, but the Gators didn't lie down, they still managed to score 8 in the 4th against Bama's 7...with the Final Score being 29-15. Not sure if the Gators played great or if Bama might be a bit overrated...Me thinks it may be both. Although the Gatas couldn't beat Saban's Boys, they did beat the spread!

ACC Championship - #1 Clemson Tigers vs #10 North Carolina
Two Words - HIGH SCORING! This game was a dogfight from start to finish..a shoot out for the Championship as the #1 team in the country faced off against (in my opinion) an underrated North Carolina. Both teams had everything on the line coming into this game - playoff aspirations as well as pride. It was back and forth all game - until the 4th quarter where Clemson seemed to run away with the game. Trailing 45-30, North Carolina scored with 1 minute and 33 seconds later, making it 45-37...their only hop is a perfectly executed onside kick. With that much time, their 3 time-outs, and a little bit of luck, the Tar Heels could actually Tie this game up and force it into overtime. Well Luck be the Lady - Clemson couldn’t handle the kick and the Tar Heels’ Hunter Crafford fell on the ball.!!! Then they went on to score, went into OT and WON THE ACC CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Well, that could have happened...but not so much. After a very disputed and Controversial Offisides call, the referees claimed that the Tar Heels had been flagged for a penalty and it was Clemson ball. Game Over. Was it off-sides? You can see the kick here and judge for yourself...

Personally I don't think so...but it's a non-review-able call so with that Clemson is headed to the Playoffs, and North Carolina is going home with a bad taste in their mouth. At least the Carolinas still got Cam, right? Either way, Congrats Clemson, You Dun it!!!

Big Ten Championship - #4 Iowa vs #5 Michigan State
The last game I'll touch on is the Big 10 Snoozefest between Iowa & Michigan St. Both fighting hard to prove that neither deserved a spot in the playoffs, they fought with the tenacity of a pair of wet noodles. Not much to say on this game except I did say it would come down to a field goal...as Michigan St won 16-13.

There were obviously a few other dumpster games I'm sure you really want to know about. Unfortunately I don't have enough room or time so if you're interested in knowing what else happened, I hear the Google can answer your questions quite nicely.

Playoff Rankings
After all the dust settled, the College Football Playoff Committee came up with the rankings below as this season's Best of the Best:

Clemson
Alabama
Michigan St
Oklahoma

No surprises in the top 2 - they were Vegas Odds in 1/2 through the season... the other 2? Not so much. In the end, not having a legitimate Championship game DID hurt Oklahoma as they dropped from 3rd last week to 4th in the final rankings. Is it a big punishment? Depends on if you'd rather play Clemson or Alabama. At 4 they will be going head to head with the #1 in the Nation at the Orange Bowl in Miami on New Years Eve. I think it worked out for Oklahoma because they're actually going in as Favorites in this matchup according ESPN & Vegas Odds-Makers. I got Clemson in this one though.

I am confused a bit on how exactly Michigan St jumped Oklahoma after that game. Granted, they do have Connor Cook at QB, the dangerously good looking...I mean athletic and talented young stud...I mean man. ...um, yea...um... Anyways - I really like Michigan St - but do they have enough to beat Bama? I doubt it. We'll see though, as they finally meet on New Years Eve in Arlington, TX at the Cotton Bowl at 8 pm.

NFL
Quick Recap -
Jags CANNOT catch a break. We are learning however to catch a few TDs. In a nailbitting finish, Jacksonville LOST AGAIN to the Tennessee Titans 42-39. Highlights (besides our ass-clown kicker missing another field goal) had to be the fact that Future Hall-of-Fame-er/UCF's favorite son (besides CJ of course) Blake Bortles threw for 322 yards, with 5 TDs 0 Interceptions and completing 24 of 36 passes. Mariota did well too - throwing 268 for 4 TDs, 1 Interception and going 20-29. So what does that tell us? WE HAVE NO GOD-DAMNED DEFENSE!!!! Oh well, at least we play the Colts this weekend, no way they can beat us with Hasselbeck...again. Damn it.

In other NFL News, the Falcons are getting worse by the week. They are AWFUL and only have 2 more wins than the Jags. Yea, let that sit in. A team that started 5-0 is now 6-6. Why? Because Matt Ryan is gone, in his place is the shell of a man who once was. Will he be back this weekend as they face-off against the 12-0 Panthers? Not a chance. Atleast Devonta Freeman is healthy-ish.

Enough of those Losers - elsewhere in the NFL last week the Mrs Sins' Bills dominated a struggling Houston, Tacy's Panthers moved on to 12-0, continuing their steady march to the playoffs (although the Saints did put up a good fight), and Brock Osweiler continued his reign of terror on Peyton's hopes of returning by wining his 2nd game in a row!! Granted it was against the Chargers who actually have a worse record than my Jags. Pretty solid test this weekend against Oakland, but I got a good feeling about this young'in.

Speaking of winners, the Steelers are on the rampage now that Big Ben is back - and Antonio Brown is a Touchdown machine!! They bent over the Colts and gave them the business on Sunday!! Mrs Ogbratta must be soo proud!! They are in the hunt for a Wild Card seed and have their sights on the playoffs!!

Oh yea, and I can't forget about the Bengals. They dragged the Browns out behind the shed and shot that dog dead, winning 37-3. Just ugly. Unless the team that Mussbuss loves decides to lose out, they're headed to the playoffs. Seems easy enough...except it's the Bengals. And they LOVE to disappoint their fans..

Finally - the BIG STORY. The Eagles. Wow. They didn't just beat Tom Brady and the Boys, they stuck it to them!! 35-28, evil genius/Chris Farley stunt double Chip Kelly out coached Belicheck in a truly unbelievable game. . Now granted, Brady had No Gronk, and No Edleman, but that shouldn't matter...he's TOM F*ING BRADY!! Congrats Meide & Dugan - no (specific) Eagles jokes here, actually impressed.With that win, the Eagles move to a dismal 5-7 record...which would be embarrassing except for the fact that they are now in a 3-way TIE for 1st place in the NFC East. That's right, The Eagles, as awful as they have been all year, could be headed to the playoffs. Wow. I thought my division sucks (actually it does, Colts and Houston are in the same situation at 6-6 in the AFC South...) Fly Eagles Fly?

Now, onto the news!!

ARCHAEOLOGY ROCKS!!
Looks like one of this life's greatest mysteries may have finally been solved. Kinda. Well not really. According to a recent find, Archaeologists (or Dirt Nerds as I like to call them) believe they have finally found the source of the big ol' bricks at Stonehenge. The Big Rocks, according to Josh Pollard from University of Southampton, originated in the outcrops of natural pillars at Carn Geodog and Craig Rhos-y-felin in the Preseli Hills of Pembrokeshire Coast National Park. (I copy and pasted that. Literally no clue what it means, but I think in laymen's terms, some place in the United Kingdom).

The Dirt Nerds believe that whoever dug up the stones “only had to insert wooden wedges into the cracks between the pillars and then let the Welsh rain do the rest by swelling the wood to ease each pillar off the rock face,” They figure that the stones were dug up around 3400 BC - but Stonehenge wasn't build until 2900 BC, giving who (or WHAT) ever decided to build an erector-set in the middle of nowhere about 500 years to do so. Why did they do it? Who knows. Or cares. If they give more info maybe I'll do a follow up. Probably not.

I CAN SMELL YOUR PU$$Y
Do you ever just pet your cat, take a deep breath in and say "Damn I wish I could savor that flavor all day long?" If so then

Eww, Gross.
You're in luck!!

Personally, I hate cats and they hate me. It's a mutual kinda thing. but thanks to the Japanese - the World Wide Leader in "What the Fucks?", you can now make everything you own smell of loneliness. Yes, according to this really weird article, Japanese scientists at Yamamoto Perfumery (I swear I did not make that up) have managed to research that scent, recreate it, and they are now bottling and selling it. How accurate does it smell you ask? Well Mr. Yamamoto himself, spent four months of series research going from cat cafe to cat cafe sniffing different feline’s heads to ensure only the greatest stench. Ugh. While I can only imagine it smells like a special level of hell, they described the aroma as "everything from the smell of sunshine to the sweet scent of just baked bread." Congrats Japan, you win again.

OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES...
In case you haven't been paying attention, we live in pretty divisive times. Politics and religion are polarizing this country quicker than ever, and voicing your opinion is a sure fire way to lose friends quicker than claiming Team Edward (everyone knows Team Jacob is the JAM!!) At the front of a lot of this is the oft outspoken Donald Trump, with his radical views and rich old man racist ramblings. And although everyone has a strong opinion of who's right and who's wrong, you can immediately alienate yourself by boasting to much support for certain controversial issues. And this has been creating a lot of vitriol and hate online - especially in Social Media means like Facebook. The solution? You can now search out and "Un-Friend" those who do not share your beliefs or values. The actual article you can click on back there (it says Un-Friend in case you haven't been paying attention) and uses Trump as the example - but basically all you have to do is type"my friends who like" in the search function at the top of Facebook, and let the games begin. Just for fun, try "my friends who like Batman" and see what comes up....I'm sure you'll all be SHOCKED!!! (Please don't un-friend me, I'm very fragile).

Oh Come, all Ye...Zombies??
It's the Holiday season once again, which you know what that means...time for the Over-sensitive PC Police to come in and ruin all the fun!! Seems like everyone is offended these days, whether it's a Starbucks cup that's not Christmas-y enough, if Black Friday sounds Racist, or a simple Zombie Nativity Scene that goes against "traditional Christmas Values". Well, the 1st two are ridiculous, but maybe the last one is a little much. Turns out the little town of Deer Park, Ohio is all up in arms over local Zombie-enthusiast Jason Dixon's Zombie Themed Nativity scene, complete with flesh-eating Wise men, and a Zombie Baby Jesus.

That's right. In Dixon's massive outdoor display, Mary, Joseph, even the blessed 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, are all flesh-eating walkers. "I wanted a nativity scene and I worked with what I had," said Dixon. The town has decided to fine Dixon $500 a day until the Nativity scene is taken down. Truly butthurt by the whole thing, Dixon also mentioned "If it was a real pretty nativity scene they wouldn't be saying anything." . Touché
sir. Touché. (It is worth noting that I actually think this is hilarious...and technically, Jesus did rise from the dead...but just not this time of year)

MEME of THE WEEK

O-M-G!!! ONE MORE WEEK!!! Screw you for judging me.

WEEKEND HAPPENINGS
Well, um, actually a we have a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

I Honesty don't know what to do with my Saturday now... guess we could do some Xmas Shopping. Damn it.

At least I still got Football on Sunday (for now)...

I don't know if anyone has anything planned for this weekend - if there is and we weren't invited, SHAME!!! If not, rest up and start watching your favorite Holiday movies. You earned it.,

Oh, and in case you missed the email, Mrs Tydell sent out a blast to the group about Peach Bowl tickets to see our Florida State Seminoles end the year on a high note New Years Eve as they face-off against Houston (a team that - from what I understand - is in Texas). Tickets are going pretty cheap right now since Houston's not much of a traveling Fan Base...so if interested, get in touch now!!!

SHAME of THE WEEK
The Muscley Man...El Toro!!
That's right, Ryan. For those of you that don't know (because I am really good at hiding things from you all) I'm kinda a dork. I like comic book movies, I LOVE Batman, and I really like Star Wars. And so does Ryan...or so I thought!! A couple months back I noticed that tickets were on sale to see The Force Awakens - and who better to see it with (besides my lovely wife) than my nerdy companion El Toro. The guy loves all things Technology, Sci-Fi and grew up on Star Wars just like me. And while I would have extended the invite to the greater group, tickets had just gone on sale and were selling super duper fast. So I scooped up a couple tickets back in October, and we set a group date for next Friday (btw, I bought Carly one too just in case, but was informed she would still be out of town so I gave it to another nerdy friend). Well turns out, Ryan turned to the Dark-Side and Light-Saber-ed me in the back like the Sith he is!! I'm more hurt than Obi-Wan was when Anakin betrayed him during their Duel on Mustafar!! (IDugan gets it. Nerd.).

Yup, he bailed on me. Just because he loves Carly more than me and decided he would rather spend the weekend with her in a cabin then with me and Nicole in a dark theater filled with Nerd-Virgins role-playing with flashlights. Boooo!!!

In all honesty, Ryan made the right choice, and should be in the Fame column, but he approved of this Shaming as atonement for my Broken Heart. It is great news that Ryan and Carly will be able to spend the Holiday together, and we're excited to have you back young lady!! You made the right and best choice my man!! (Plus that means I get to see it again).

FAME of THE WEEK
No contest here. The Clear and Apparent Fame of the Week title belongs to the Musician that makes us move, the DJ that helps us get down - the one, the only FUNK MANCHU!!!
After years of hard work, late nights and numerous wedding gigs Mr Malloy will finally get his due!! As you all have probably heard, Funk Manchu will be releasing his debut EP, irreverently titled Kinda Sweaty, on Star Wars day December 18th on Psycho Disco!, - a record label recently founded local DJ / producer Treasure Fingers.

I think I speak for all of us when I say congrats on the big move buddy!! You deserve all the success and praise you are sure to receive, and all though I can't dance the night away anymore at my age - you have my complete and total respect and support!! Well Done homie!!

Well, that's about it for this week. I hope you all enjoyed and I pray I didn't get anyone in too much trouble with the Google Searches of your names. Thanks again for sticking with it to the end (if you did) and please comment below if you feel so inclined.

Have a great weekend, and as always - Go NOLES!!

Comments

Curran's Corner - The Beginning of the End

12/5/2015

Comments

Good morning Team & Happy...Saturday?

Welcome to the weekend!! Yes I know, I obviously ruined your Fridays for my little Faux Pas...hopefully over the course of the next dozen paragraphs I can make it up to you. I'd tell you I won't do it again, but we all know that's probably a lie and I'm sure I'll disappoint you all again for many years to come (at some point or another). To make up for it this edition is a bit longer than normal.. So I guess, sorry for that too. Damn, I can't win with you people.

Well now that the week is now officially yesterday's news and it's time kick back, relax and claim yourself some much deserved R&R! Or not, it's your day! From what I understand, it can be exhausting getting back to work after a long holiday weekend so I'm glad you all made it. For some reason I haven't had a problem adjusting. Maybe it's my continuously optimistic "can-do-attitude" that helps...or maybe its my "lack of employment" or the absence of "any responsibility a legitimate adult faces"...who knows. It's one of life's great mysteries that we may never actually figure out.

Moving on, it's officially December and I think we all know what that means...It's time to get all Jolly and celebrate the reason of the Season - the new Star Wars!! Oh, and it's Christmahanakwanzika Season too (and Festivus if you are of the same faith as me, Tacy & Sins). I'll try to work in a bit of the holiday spirit without overdoing it, but be prepared - Christmas Meme's are coming!!

Alright, I've stalled long enough - I'll get to what you came for... Time to get to the news! Thanks in advance for your time and I hope you enjoy! And sorry again for just getting this out now. I've been busy herding Drunken Degenerates all night in New York on a Bachelor Party with my old Duval Crew...going to be a long weekend...

SPORTS
NCAA -
It's often said that all good things must come to an end. And sadly, it's so frequently true. As much as I've tried to pretend it wouldn't, the 2015 College Football Season is almost at a close. Yes, with just like that the regular season has finished, and all that's left are Conference Championships, a bunch of Toilet Bowl Games and then of course the big College Playoffs for the National Championship. It's ok to cry, I'm sad too. Especially since our beloved Florida State Seminoles will NOT be playing this weekend in the ACC Championship game. But at least we ended on a very high note. Yes Rivalry week was very good to us...and not so bad for a couple other teams either. So before I get into what's next, here's a quick recap in case you weren't paying attention:

Georgia/ GA Tech - In the fight for his career and legacy, Richt's Bulldogs stepped up to the occasion and did what FSU couldn't...They beat the Nerds. It was a sleeper of a game...not in the sense that no one saw it coming, but in the fact that I dosed off in the 1st quarter. It was a very uneventful, uninspiring 13-7 Victory for the Dawgs that was much needed, but not sadly enough. Richt was fired the next day, sparking and outcry of support for the Coach, as well as a lot of confusion and rage by many - which seems odd considering since I moved to Atlanta over 8 years ago, there has been talk for firing Richt every season and now the fans are suddenly shocked and appalled.

In my opinion, both Richt and the Dawgs needed this clean break and a deserve a fresh new start. For Georgia, it looks like it will be the highly reccommended Saban protege Kirby Smart - which could go one of two ways. The great way would be mirroring a career like former protege Jimbo Fisher and his success at FSU...or there is the Not-so-great way - echoing the "fail-upwards" style of Will Muschamp (he's in contention for the South Carolina job. Seriously. How does he keep getting hired?) Personally I think this guy should get a shot...

Richt will be taking his Talents to South Beach and join the ACC as the new head coach of the Miami Hurricanes. This is both great news for the ACC, and potentially awful news for FSU. On one hand, he's a great coach that can breathe new-life into a flailing team (which hasn't played for 1 ACC Championship yet). On the other hand, he could make that team relevant and dangerous again - taking potential recruits from FSU down the road and building up one of our biggest rivals into a force to be reckoned with. Personally, I invite the challenge and look forward to the new competition!!

Clemson/ South Carolina - In a fierce battle for State supremacy, the Gamecocks gave Clemson everything they have and just barely came up short with the Tigers pulling off a late victory of 37-32. Pretty crazy, and did not see that coming. looks like there could be a trick to stopping Clemson...all you have to do is Score... Alot.

Alabama/Auburn - Really not worth mentioning except for this catch. Otherwise a boring game.

Notre Dame/Stanford - In their 2nd most important test of the season, the Fighting Irish once again fell a bit short, solidifying the argument that they were not deserving of a top 4 bid. A great and close game just like Clemson, but like my dad says - close only counts with Horseshoes and Hand grenades.. Actually as I write that I'm not sure why he says it. Pretty weird and random thing to say...Anyways, my point is - they're done. Unless the rankings some how don't reflect this as it should and they still wind up being in the top 10...but that would just be dumb.

Ohio State/ Michigan - Well I was wrong on this one. Wasn't even close. Looks like Urban isn't going to have offseason health issues after all and may still have a shot (albeit a very long one) of making it into the Playoffs..

Florida/Florida State - Well I'm not one to gloat, but I'm pretty sure that was the greatest asswhopping I've ever seen the Gators take. 27-2. Seriously...27-2...2 points...Two. And we gave those to them.

Coach Jimbo Fisher (who is clearly not going anywhere, so ESPN can just shut it's filthy whore mouth) extended his winning streak to 5-1 against inter-state rivals the Florida Gators, with an UNCONQUERED record in the Swamp. In fact, in Fisher’s three games in Gainesville, FSU has outscored UF by a combined score of 85-16. Essentially he owns the Swamp.

With this win, the Seniors graduating this year have picked up their 49th win since the 2012 season, breaking a school record for wins in a four-year span that was set last season. They are now the winningest class in FSU history wiith a record or 49-5. It was a great game and so damn proud to be a Nole!!

Fun Fact: The last time that UF beat FSU in the Swamp, Jameis Winston was a sophomore......in high school.

(Did you hear that? it was the sound of the mic dropping.)

ESPN is spelled T-M-Z
While we're on the subject, I guess we should go ahead and address the elephant in the room - Jimbo Fisher's job. While it was speculated by ESPN that not only was Les Miles getting fired from LSU, but that Jimbo Fisher was not only interested in replacing him as Headcoach, but as of last Saturday before their matcch against UF, EPSN reported Jimbo had already accepted the position and signed the paperwork. Well, it was bullshit. Kind of...

Reports have confirmed Jimbo Fisher was in negotiations with LSU. Which is not surprising Jimbo was Nick Saban's Offensive Coordinator/QB Coach from 2000-2006 when - during the period in which LSU won a National Championship. So the ties are there - and if someone is going to call you and offer to back a truck of money up to your doorstep, you will atleast pick up the phone. So it makes sense. But there are a few reasons this was never going to happen.

First of all, Fisher makes $5 million per year and has a buyout of $5 million at FSU. He likely would have demanded multiyear contract paying him more than $5 million per season. A new coaching staff likely would have cost the school another $5 million. The final price tag to part ways with Miles and hire Fisher was reportedly more than $30 million. And Jimbo Fisher is good - but is he $30 million good?

Second, Les Miles has friends. A LOT of Friends. Friends in the fan base that came out in droves to show their support and stand behind their coach. Then there's Former Lousisana Gov/Human Muppet Bobby Jindal that stood by Les in solidarity. Macth that with the fact that Les Miles IS a winning coach- So with that kind of support, LSU is facing huge backlash if they let their coach go.

Lastly - and most importantly - why would he go. Honestly speaking (and this isn't biased), it really makes no sense. Jimbo Fisher is the Headcoach of Florida State - a storied program with a strong history and he has complete control over every aspect of the Football program. They are the current Big Dogs in the Big Pond - Florida is a recruiting ground mecca - one of the top 3 states (California & Texas are the others). The Facts don't lie... Recent statistics show that over the last 5 recruiting classes, Florida ranks 2nd in the nation averaging 1,295 3/4/5 Star rated players - where in comparison Louisiana has averaged 333 3/4/5 Star Rated Players being recruited. Then there is the fact that while the SEC is a power-house conference, You have to get through Florida, GA, Auburn, AND Alabama on the road to a SEC Championship - not to mention a National Championship. In Contrast, FSU has a much easier path to the playoffs and it shows - in his 6th year as Head Coach, Fisher has seen unprecedented success - winning 4 Conference Division Titles, 3 ACC Championship Titles and 1 National Championship, He also has a current record of 68-13 (40-8 in Conference). On top of that he has had only 3 losses in the last 3 years. So again, why is the LSU job a better one? Fact is - it isn't.

Jimbo did talk to LSU and was right to do so. He accomplished two very important things by entering into those Negotiations.

He showed LSU that getting rid of Les Miles really isn't worth it financially or responsibly according to the fan base. Jimbo is amazing - but Les isn't a schlub either- in his 11 year tenure he has also won 3 Conference Division Titles, 2 SEC Championships, and 1 National Championship - with a current record of 111-32 (61-27 in Conference). So basically you spend $30 million to fire your winning coach and alienate your fanbase for another great coach with a similar resume?
FSU knew before that they have a good thing, but now that point has been hammered home loud and clear. Come negotiation time, Jimbo will have NO problem gettingexcatly what he wants...becuase he is worth every penny. And Knows it.

In the end, I think he was looking out for Les (Jimbo was there at LSU for Miles' 1st 2 seasons) and cementing his own future with the Seminoles as well. In my opinion, win win...except for ESPN. They're basically cementing their reputation as TMZ for sports - just making shit up as they go along.

PLAYOFF RANKINGS
So going into Championship week, the latest rankings are:

Clemson - Still a strong, deserving #1, but face a difficult and underrated challenger in North Carolina (ranked 10th) Win and they're in.
Alabama - Same as above...just kidding, they play the Gators. They're in.
Oklahoma - Nice placement and deserving of a top spot for their season, but the Pac 12 has no Conference Championship game, which could end up hurting them in the end and allowing another team that wins their conference to jump in.
Iowa - Undefeated and looking strong...but have the unenviable task for facing off against #5 Michigan St in the Big Ten Championship Game. Whoever comes out alive should be in.
Michigan State - See Above. They knocked out reigning champ Ohio St 2 weeks ago, can they work their magic again and sneak into the playoffs? I say yes.
Ohio State - so close, but oh so far. Could get in still I guess if the Committee has sympathy and with a lot of luck (Alabama would have to lose)
Stanford - Could get in if they play impressive enough in the Pac-12 Conference Championship game and garner enough votes to jump in to take Oklahoma's spot. Long shot, but possible
Notre Dame - Lose to Stanford and only drop 2 points? Ahead of North Carolina? SMH. Makes no sense. And no chance of the Playoffs.
FSU - Huge win against the Gators propelled us to finish the season in the top 10 - but shouldn't North Carolina (as ACC Coastal Division Champs and better record) be ahead of us? Also no chance for the Playoffs.
North Carolina - Seriously confused about this ranking. Playing for a Conference Championship, 11-1 record, and Clemson is only favored to win by 5 pts. Don't agree with this. But still, with a good game and a lot of luck, if Hunsucker's Tarheels pull this off against Clemson, they are going to the Playoffs.

There looks to be a few great games this weekend, so take it all in - after this we don't have anything left except the Bowl Games and Championships. Boo this time of year...BOOO

NFL -
Great weekend for the NFL...unless you're a fan of the Jaguars, Bills, Steelers, Falcons, Gronkowski, and my Fantasy Team. Yea, pretty tough week.

Starting with the Jaguars...we suck. Blew it against the Chargers and ended our season high winning streak of 2 games. Bortles made some great plays, and then a couple boneheaded moves - like when he crossed the line of scrimmage and illegally threw it in for a TD...twice, both resulting in a loss of down and turnovers.

C'mon Bortles, you're better than that. CJ, talk to your boy please. Allen Robinson did have a great game and Julius Thomas finally made himself useful and got into the endzone. Aside from that, it was just ugly, and we almost lost Allen Hurns in a horrible tackle which luckily only resulted in a concussion. Well, fun's over, back to reality and another losing season for my boys.

Speaking of Awful. Congrats to the Eagles...they have giving a new meaning to the word!! Not much to say except that I love how bad they are. Love it. How bad is it you ask? Well they got annihilated for the 2nd week in a row in historic fashion to the Detroit Lions, once again allowing their opponent to score 45 pts, finishing 45-14. (Last week they lost to the Bucs 45-17). Combined they have lost the last two games by 59 points. I wish the Jags had them on schedule this year, we'd have at least one gimmie in the bank!! Oh and my favorite part of the game? This stat:

oving on - The Falcons relied heavily on the arm and leadership of Starting Quaterback/Wet Blanket Matt Ryan and it did not end well. Minnesota beat the hell out of the local heroes 20-10. Devonta better come back ready to run all over Tampa, cause I can't take much more of this.

In other news, the 82 year old Colts' Wonder Brothers Hasselback & Viniteri pulled off a huge win against the Bucs, despite Jameis completing 20 of 36 passes for 245 yards, a touchdown and only 1 interception. Got to hand it to the Colts, they're doing amazing things without any Luck.

Speaking of Luck, the Panthers don't seem to need any either. With their demolition of the Cowboys (and what looks to be Tony Romo's last game for a year now. Poor guy) Cam Newton has lead Carolina to it's 11th win, remaining the only undefeated team in the league. Mark my words, they are Superbowl bound this year, and I think it'll be against Brady and the Boston Boys.

Perhaps the Biggest story of the week - BROCK BEAT BRADY!! Yes, in his first match up against the Future Hall of Fame-er Tom Brady, the young Osweeiler managed to do what Grampa Manning has struggled to do his whole career - take out the pretty boy. Yes, the Patriots are riddled with Injuries, and they lost Gronk in a tough to watch tackle...and the officiating was exactly Kosher...but still. The kid looked good doing it and it's really cool to watch what could be the start of a great career. Oh and Peyton might not get his job back. There's rumors he'll be placed on Injured Reserve - not only for his foot, but also for his injured ego.

Closing up, The Steelers went down in the 4th to the Seahawks (sorry Gina) with Big Ben going out with concussion symptoms...Jenn's Bills continued to underwhelm in a loss to the Chiefs, and Pete's Bengals pulled off an impressive win, destroying the Rams 31-7.

Lastly - the Browns. With Manziel benched for his antics last week, the Cleveland Steamers turned to Josh McCown to lead to way. Unfortunately that was short lived as he went down with a season ending injury against the Ravens, breaking his collarbone. But good thing they had Manziel dressed and ready to play because as soon as McCown went down, they went to the clear choice...Austin Davis? Yes, the former 3rd string turned 2nd string turned starter took control in the 2nd half, putting up quite the fight and leading the Browns to what looked to be a sure win. With the score 27-24 (Browns winning) virtually no time left on the clock, Davis got his boys within field goal range to seal the deal against the Ravens...and as we've seen many times before...this happened:

Wow. Sucks to be you Cleveland. Even with the loss of McCown for the season, the Browns still refuse to give Johnny Football a chance again this season. With his future with the Browns in question, he may end up getting traded to Dallas of all places. In the End, this about sums it all up for Cleveland this season:

Ok, I lied. 1 more NFL game to cover...Thursday night's EPIC battle between the Greenbay Packers and the Detroit Lions. This game was pretty much a stinker up until the last few minutes when - and then the greatest play of the year happened. For those responsible adults that have shit to do in the mornings, you probably did not stay up to see this mostly boring back and forth between a struggling Greenbay and a clearly motivated Detroit team. The Lions maintained control throughout much of the game, holding Eddie Lacy & Randal Cobb to incredibly underwhelming performances. Rodgers, who is by definition the poster boy of what it means to be elite in the NFL was also being contained with ease - as he has unfortunately for the last 4 games as well. It was so bad that the Lions held a 20-0 L lead midway through as most viewers turned off the TV and went to bed. But late in the 3rd Quarter, The Discount Double Checker started a rally that would breath life back into his team, coming within arms reach of victory within the last few minutes of the game. scoring 14 pts in the 3rd, and 7 points in the fourth to make it a 21-23 game with less than 15 seconds left in the game. Rodgers regained possession with 15 seconds on the clock and managed to get up to about the 50 yard line with 6 seconds left, no time outs and no chance of victory...then came the 10 yard pass to GB receiver James Jones as time expired. With no options left, Jones lateraled the ball backwards to another player, who immediately turned and threw it back about 10 yards back to Aaron Rodgers, who had no option but to run at this point in order to keep the ball alive.

Surrounded by Lions Defensive linemen, Rodgers ducked, shuffled and as he was trying to evade a tackle, he appeared to have his face-mask touched by DE Devin Taylor and the QB was thrown to the ground. Rodgers’s helmet jarred, his head turned to the right, and he was wrenched to the ground, chinstrap dislodged...No time left game over. But then out came the flags...Face-mask - Personal Foul resulting in 15 yards and one more shot at the endzone. With the ball now at the 35 yard line, Greenbay has 1 possession left with 0:00 on the clock. Rodgers snapped the ball, runs backward, evades a tackle, sprints forward to the 36 yard line and launches the ball straight into the air - floating the ol' pigskin 61 yards into the endzone into a heavily guarded group of 5 Lions defenders covering 3 Packers...a Hail Mary. Then out of nowhere, Greenbay TE Richard Rodgers runs into the endzone, launches into the air and miraculously catches and comes down with the ball. HOLY SH*T, PACKERS WIN!!!

It was the best finish of a game I've seen in years. Simply amazing. Looking at the replay again though, it was (in my opinion) clearly not a face-mask, but instead an Academy Award winning performance by the Future Hall of Fame QB. Maybe a horse collar (which still results in 15 yards) but not a face mask. But in the end, I really don't care. It was so incredible to watch live I'm glad it happend the way it did. God I love Football.
Fun Fact: It was Rodger's 32nd Birthday. He celebrated the way he lives...by f*cking winning.

BYE BYE BLACK MAMBA
It's the end of an era...Kobe Bryant - aka Black Mamba aka the Ball Hog aka Not as good as Jordan - is officially retiring from the NBA after 20 seasons. Bryant entered the NBA at the ripe age of 17 back in 1996 - becoming the 1st guard to forego his college eligibility and enter the NBA, The Future Hall of Fame Shooting guard announced his decision in a Poem titled Dear Basketball, showcasing his literary prowess and grace while defending his legacy, desire to win, and intensity in a quite unique way. Personally, if it doesn't rhyme like a well-written Nickelback song, poetry is mostly lost on me...but apparently many people smarter than myself have deemed it a "poem" that deserves to be "read". just kidding, I don't know if anyone said that. Kobe is retiring as one of the greatest players of all time, winning five NBA Championships, and one rape case. Bryant is also a 17-time All-Star, 15-time member of the All-NBA Team, and 12-time member of the All-Defensive Team. So yeah, he was pretty good...but he was also know widely as a self-center Ball hog, that took too many shots, was horrible to work with, and ran Shaquille O'Neal out of town.
He also gave his wife a $4 Million "Apology Ring" after the alleged rape case in 2003...cause nothing says Sorry I fucked up like a big ol' Blood diamond. Regardless, he will be regarded as one of, if not the greatest players to ever grace the court. Even though Jordan was better.

WORLD NEWS
Airpocalypse
The end it is near friends - and it's cause will not be ISIS or an Asteroid Bruce WIllis can't save us from. No, the nail in the coffin will be China and the impending Airpocalypse. China is now covered in a thick, lung cringing smog that is at life threateningly dangerous levels.

The pictures below were taken within a day of each other. Those are 2 diferrent pictures of THE SAME SKYLINE!!!

In Beijing, the capital of the world's most populous country and its No. 1 source of planet-warming carbon compounds, Greenpeace China called the thick haze the worst pollution of the year. "Authorities have issued an orange alert and recommended that residents stay indoors," Clean up your act China! (see what I did there?)

Mein Kampf
Filed under the list of horrible ideas of what the hell were they thinking - The Gerrman state of Bavaria is reissuing Hitler's Mein Kampf. Apparently the copyright ownership was set to expire this year, the state is prepared to lift its ban on Hitler’s infamous book as a way of ensuring that new generations can be fully aware of his anti-Semitism, militarism, and political theory. Publication has been forbidden in Germany since 1945 as well as showing it in public or displaying it prominently in a shop window. On paper it seems like a bad idea, but I'm sure in reality with the recent increase in immigration and the rise of Islam and fear surrounding those who practice the religion that this will surely be handled poorly and immediately regretted. But I'm sure they'll Nazi that coming....

You Want Fries with that??
Clone Wars
Meat - it's not necessarily what's for dinner anymore. In more awesome China news, not sure if you've heard but they are facing a bit of an overcrowding issue. And with the growing population and the need to feed the masses, To combat this, China has decided it's best to go ahead and build a Giant Animal-Cloning factory to feed the People. Yes, while the rest of the world sorts out its feelings about the safety and ethics of cloning animals for food production, China - the world's leader in "F*ck It, we do what we want" - has decided to throw caution to their polluted wind and go ahead and eat cloned meat. Yum Yum, gimmie sum!! On the brightside, Cats and Dogs everywhere can sleep easy knowing they may no longer be the 1st choice of sandwich meat in years to come!

THE DATING GAME
Talk Nerdy to Me
Do you just love (and I mean LOVE) all things Disney but hate that pesky virginity that keeps getting in your way? Are you tired of riding the Teacups alone? Are you a Goofy just searching for your Goofette? Well search no further, Mouse Mingle is here!!! Mouse Mingle is the Dating site for fans of all things Disney. Users check boxes related to their Disney nerd level: favorite Disney characters, songs, movies, parks, princesses, heroes and more. Although it's pretty damn funny, atleast its shying away from the recent rise in Cheating websites like AshleyMadison.com and Cougarlife.com - where you can go either A) find someone just as shitty as you to cheat on your spouse with, or B) Find a lonely and horny divorce with a large wallet and lust for young man meat. Ah, dating. So glad that's over.

**in case I have to explain that, Disney owns Starwars. And if you don't get the Meme, ask Dugan. She's a huge Star Wars Nerd**

Black Friday Win?
While most of the United States decided to rush to stores and fight over poorly made TVs in a giant Jerry Springer-esque Flash mob, there was one company that seemed to capitalize on the chaos and nonsense more than others. The awful yet clever people behind Cards Against Humanity - the Horrible party game for Horrible People - decided to have their own Black Friday special. Their deal? Give them $5 and get nothing in return. That way you can participate in Black Friday and not completely lose your soul.

Pretty funny. But did it work? You bet your ass it did. In the end the "Good" people at Cards Against Humanity reported that 11,248 people gave $5, and 1,199 people gave more than $5 by filling out the form more than once. One enthusiastic fan gave $100. In total, the staff of Cards Against Humanity made a staggering profit of $71,145!!!
In actuality, Cards Against Humanity is known for some very charitable fundraising - since 2012 they have raised nearly $4 million for organization like Worldbuilders, the Sunlight Foundation, the EFF,DonorsChoose.org, the Wikimedia Foundation, and the Chicago Design Museum. We even started a $500,000 full-ride scholarship for women getting degrees in science.
With that in mind you're probably wonder what the ended up doing with all the money from this latest stunt. The answer? They kept it all. Atleast for a moment. Here's a highlight of some of the items they bought:

Alex bought 760lbs of Arm & Hammer Clump & Seal Multi Cat odor Sealing Cat Liter for $500 (because those cats apparently poop as much as me)
Amy paid off 1.5% of her student loan debt, stating that she spent 100k on a BA, 60K for a MFA and 7 years of her life so that she could go write Dick Jokes for a living
Jenn purchased a Lord of the Rings Legolas Lothlorien LongBow replica for $800, a Leather archer quiver for $139, and a Bespoke Robin Hood Costume for $1,200. ( I assume she needed the outfit and weapon to further protect her Virginity)
Karlee purchased a YVA Vibrator in 24-Karat Gold for $3,120, Uber Lub Personal Lubricant for $280, and a donation to Planned Parenthood for $1,027.

Well Done Internet. Well done.

(You can read the rest here)

THEY SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING
Since it's Christmas, I think now would be a good time to work in the 1st festive story of the season. We all know about Santa - the Jolly old pervert that knows when you've been sleeping and sneaks into your house late at night to eat your baked goods, drink your dairy and leave over priced gifts that usually should come with a return receipt. But I'm not going to cover him...that's been done. I want to talk about his little Mischievous Minions that have recently taken the nation by storm over the last few years and scare your children into behaving like civilized young members of society unlike the little monsters they normally are.

Yes, I'm talking about the Elf on the Shelf. This pint size peeping toms have become a widely popular tradition in recent years becoming a household fixture in homes and the internet throughout the country every December. They're based on a 2005 book, in which elves are described as scouts that watch over people's homes and report any suppressive or subversive activity back to the North Pole. And when you read it in one simple statement, and start to think about it, that actually sounds exactly like a police state.

Atleast that's what one professor claims.

Dr. Laura Pinto, a digital technology professor of the University of Ontario Institute of Technology believes we are prepring our children to live in a Police State and become accustomed to the idea of modifying their behavior for fear that they might be watched at any moment.

She believes the Elf on a Shelf creates an Orwellian Christmas tradition, described as:
"..a capillary form of power that normalizes the voluntary surrender of privacy, teaching young people to blindly accept panoptic surveillance." Now personally, I don't know what Panoptic surveilance means, but it's a big word and sounds scary so clearly this woman knows her stuff!! You can Read the whole scary story here

So is it just harmless fun or are you blindly accepting "insert scary words here" surveillance and preparing your children to live in constant fear?? I'm sure there's no right answer...but I do know this...BE AFRAID, YOU"RE PARENTING ALL WRONG!!!!!

WEEKEND EVENTS
As I mentioned earlier, my weekend will be spent up here in the Big Apple as a baby-sit a flock of Man-Child Beach Bums from Actionville to celebrate the end of my buddy Brien's Bachelorhood. In all honesty it has been a blast so far and I'm already compiling tons of funny stories and blackmail I'll be sure to hold over their heads for years to come. In the meantime, there is still plenty of Football left to enjoy this weekend if you are so inclined.

The Big ones include:
SEC Championship - #2 Alabama (11-1) vs #18 Florida Gators (10-2) - 4 pm EST
While we know how this is going to end (very, very badly for the Jort Nation) it is still worth watching just for the sheer enjoyment of watching the current state of the once great Power Conference. Alabama is favored to win by 18 points, and has a 78% chancce to win according to Vegas odds. My prediction: UF scores 6 point total. Either 2 field goals or one TD and a missed extra point. And Derrick Henry runs wild, leading Bama to score over 32 points. Blow out.
Fun Fact: If Florida Coach/Duggar family look alike Jim McElwain can pull a rabbit out of his ass and make enough magic Saturday to defeat Alabama some how, thhat would send the committe in to a Code Red Frenzy and you would see the very real scenarrio of a College Football Playoof with NO SEC Representation...hahaha. Go Gata!!

ACC Championship - #1 Clemson Tigers (12-0) vs #10 North Carolina - 8 pm EST
This game looks to be a much better match up. While the current #1 contender for the National Title is the favorite to win, the point spread is just 5. North Carolina is not another Throw-away ACC Team. They've proven this season they're the real deal, and a legitimate threat to Clemson's perfect season. Clemson still has a 59% chance to win, but I'm going to guess this game comes down to a field goal.

Big Ten Championship - #4 Iowa (12-0) vs #5 Michigan State (11-1) - 8 pm EST
This is the one I'm looking forward to. A must Win-and-You're-In scenario for both teams. Iowa is undefeated and has remained undefeated all season, but who have they really played? This is their 1st real threat. On the other hand, there's Michigan St. A team that looks dominant one week against Oregon, flawed another in a loss against Nebraska, then persistent and powerful in great victories against rivals Michigan and the defending National Champion Ohio State Buckeyes. With a point spread of just 3.5 pts in Michigan St's favor, this will be the game of the weekend. And I would love to see Michigan St pull this off and get into the playoffs. I'm going with the Spartans on this one by a field goal.

NFL Games to Watch:
All of them. I am watching all of them. You should too. This weekend marks the End of the Regular Season for Fantasy Football and will decide who gets into the playoffs for numerous team. Every game counts and every point matters. I'll give some boasting and bashing on the results of the Fantasy Seasons next week for Our guys' league and the Ladies' league.

MEME of The WEEK

FAME of THE WEEK
ME!!!!
While I know I dropped the ball on meeting my deadline for this week's Corner, I think it's time I gave myself a good ol' reach around and pat myself on the back....not sure why, but that felt really awkward as I typed that out...Anywhoo-

In the past few weeks I have manged to Shame my Way to the Top, giving everyone a good laugh and setting the bar pretty high for other idiots to aspire to, but this week I think I deserve a bit of credit. I have been having an absolute blast writing these for the group over the past month and 1/2, and the best part of my week is not only getting the responses but also getting the conversation going to see everyone taking shots, making jokes and having a good time. It's one of the things I love about you all and I cherish the most with this group - our ability to have fun and laugh at ourselves and keep great conversations going.

That being said, I have received a ton of positive responses, reactions and praise about this new tradition - as well as a few suggestions to take things a bit further. So I listened and got this thing online. As you noticed you have been reading this week's edition on my very own website. I have enabled the ability to sign up as a Member, create an icon/avatar, comment on the Corner, as well as create new topics and make suggestions on what you'd like to see in future editions. There's a brief About section that tells alittle bit of what to expect too. I will also be uploading previous Corners and adding them to the Archive in case you feel the need to reminisce or share with loved ones and friends that may also find humor in my nonsense.

To go along with the site, I have created a Twitter Account (@CurransCorner) I will be using to send out updates, possible mid week articles/blogs and memes - a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/curranscorner) that will serve the same purpose, and an email address as well - shauncurran@curranscorner.com. Now I realize this isn't perfect and it is a work in progress, but this is my first foray into this sort of thing so please be patient as I learn, grow and tweak this thing over time.

In all seriousness, thank you for the continued support and enthusiasm you all have shown with this. I've been having a blast and it's all because of you all. So lucky to have you all in my life :)

SHAME of THE WEEK
Pete "The Muss-bus" Musser
Sorry my OTP amigo, your time has come and it is time for you to share in the Shame I know so well. While by most standards,Pete is the epitome of all things good in what a man should be - Loves his family, is a great husband, amazing father, scratch golfer, superb Chef, and outstanding friend. But if you look a bit close you're realize this Knight in Shining Armor has a few kinks of his own. And I'm not talking about his his poor choice in sports teams.

Apparently its widely know in the Musser neck of the Woods that this Picture-Perfect Family man is actually a terrorizing Menace behind the wheel, destroying all thing in his path...in his driveway that is. One of the Corner's deep undercover beat reporters has been able to provide evidence of Vehicular Irresponsibility and Amazon Prime Endangerment. My source has asked to remained nameless, but she told the Corner that her husband is reckless when backing out of the garage.

Apparently mild mannered Pete Musser turns into Tony Stewart when he turns his truck on, just running shit over left and right, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. Now unlike Tony Stewart, he hasn't killed anyone (yet) but he has killed a number of innocent packages and deliveries who's only crime were being placed in the wrong place at the right house.

According to reports, Delivery drivers have caught wind of this and intentionally leave packages by the garage door rather than on the front porch - almost taunting and tempting Pete to destroy the things his wife works hard to order online. It's gotten so bad that this note has been seen on his garage:

His latest victim? The custom wooden monogrammed piece Mrs Musser purchased for her sister and brother in law's housewarming. Word on the street is that this one was a doozy and almost led to an unexpected trip - straight to divorce-town USA!!! Just Kidding, but not really. haha

So Well done Pete, you have earned your spot in Curran's Corner history as one of the great names to share the Shame. SHAME!!!!

Well folks, that brings this weeks(late) edition to a close. I rambled on a bit longer this time so I hope you don't mind. Thanks again for letting me be a part of your weekend. I hope you enjoyed - now quit being so anti-social! Get up, get off your computer and go Savor the Day!!!

Have a great weekend, and as always - Go Noles!!!

Comments

The Thanksgiving Edition

11/26/2015

Comments

Good Morning and Happy Thanksgiving Friends!!

Rise and Shine team, it's Holiday time!! Yes, it's time to give thanks for all the blessings we have in this life and spend time with the ones we hold dear. Granted, most of us will remember in a couple hours in why we don't see family EVERY day - it is a time for celebration nonetheless. With that in mind (and seeing as it was a short week), I decided I'd send out my ramblings a bit early this week to help get the Holiday off to a good start. There's a lot to cover, and I know you all want to get to stuffing your faces, so I'll cut to the chase and get to the news.

SPORTS
NCAA
Well it was a CRAZY weekend in College Football, and it was fun to watch. A lot of too-close-for--comfort games, and a huge upset that I think most of us saw coming. I'll start with the close games:

The Florida Gators vs The Mighty OWLS of FAU – Not really pegged as a game to watch, the SEC East champions faced off against the 7th most relevant team in Florida - The FAU Owls. Playing to a home town crowd in the Swamp, the Gators took the fight to OT in a nail bitter that can't only be described as painful to watch. But in the end, the 2nd best team in the SEC managed to squeak out a victory with a TD in overtime making the final score 20-14. Go Gata!

Fun Fact -Based out of Boca Raton, FAU has actually had a football team for 14 years!!

Georgia Bulldogs vs Georgia Southern Eagles- In another epic battle of "what the hell am I watching?", Mark Richt did his best to try and lose his job in spectacular fashion against the team that Beat the Gators 26-20 two years ago. Another "one for the ages", this game also came down to an OT TD by the Bulldogs, allowing Richt to live to fight another day.
Florida State Seminoles vs Chattanooga Mocs - Not a close game like the others (52-13), but worth mentioning because the Black Uniforms looked sick, and we played the way you would expect a respectable team to play in a throw away game...no offense Bulldogs or Gators. Fun Fact: Mocs is NOT short for Moccasins. They're the Chattanooga MOCKINGBIRDS. Who knew? Don't be surprised if that's the first and last time that team is mentioned in the Corner.
The Ohio State Buckeyes vs The Michigan St Spartans – **The Huge Upset ** The Big game of the weekend was the Heavy Weight Bout between the defending National Champions and their first real opponent, As expected, Michigan St came to play, and Ohio State was not the team they "appeared" to be, being out gunned and out played by the Spartans throughout the game. In the end, Urban couldn't hold it together and their season is now officially over - and I (along with most of the nation) could not be happier. Fun Fact: Going into this battle, Ohio State had a 23-game winning streak - only to be defeated by Michigan State. Their last winning streak was 24 games - which was ended in 2013 by (you guessed it) Michigan State.

Playoff Rankings:

Clemson - On fire, but not sure they can beat Bama.
Alabama - Best team in the Nation in my opinion.
Oklahoma - Big wins against Baylor & TCU pushed them up to where they should be...in the Hunt
Iowa - Haven't had an incredibly difficult schedule, but still playing well and undefeated

The other notable moves are Michigan St jumped up to 5th, while Ohio State fell to 8th. Notre Dame is where they should be, sitting firmly at 6th place. Florida fell to 12th, and FSU jumped to 13th - leading into the big bout this weekend for State Dominance. There's a lot riding on the games this weekend - it's the best College Football weekend of the year...RIVALRY WEEK!!! We'll touch on that more later.

NFL
As I mentioned last week, my JAGS started their late season playoff run last Thursday night, so headed into the weekend I had extremely high hopes for all things football. Unfortunately for my Fantasy Teams and the local favorite the Falcons, it was anything but a happy ending. With a rare match-up between the Falcons and Eacho's beloved Colts, Nicole (and a client) Cho & I ventured down to the Dome to witness the almost guaranteed @$$ whooping Indianapolis was sure to endure. The Colts were out of literally out of Luck, being led by somehow not retired Matt Hasselbeck, they were primed to lose. Then the game started. Within the first few minutes, stud running back Devonta Freeman was out of the game with a concussion, and it was left up to Matt Ryan (aka Cutler in a collared shirt) to lead the boys to victory. With a surmounting 21-14 lead heading into the fourth, the Falcons did what they do best and shit the bed - allowing 10 points in the fourth quarter.

Fun Fact: 82 years old is the combined age of the Quarterback (Matt Hasselbeck -40) and Kicker
(Adam Viniteri - 42) for the Colts that handed the Falcons this epic loss. Awesome.

Speaking of past their prime, Peyton Manning was officially benched for the dashingly good looking young QB out of Arizona State - Brock Osweiler. In his first NFL start, Brock went on to defeat the Bears and break the 2 game losing streak the Broncos had just endured. While riddled with injuries and old man cramps, it's unsure if Peyton will be back this year - but he vows he'll be playing next year - in Denver or elsewhere if need be. Let it go man.

Elsewhere around the NFL - Gina's Steelers continue to dominate with Big Ben back in charge, and Pete's Bengals are starting to spiral out of control since JJ Watt insulted Cincy's QB Andy Dalton stating "Our goal was to come out here and make the Red Rifle look like a Red Ryder BB gun, and I think we did that tonight" . Apparently Dalton didn't get that it was a reference to "A Christmas Story", which is surprising considering he resembles one of the Bullies from the film

The Patriots ended up holding off the Bills in an intense Monday night Battle, taking the Patriots to 10-0. Although they keep winning, it's only getting harder for the Hate-triots. The whole league is watching, so it's harder to cheat, the team is plagued with injuries, and now the Refs are against them in what can only be described as "Whistle-Gate" - where an unnecessary whistle was blown on a ghost penalty as Brady threw the ball to Amendola, stopping the play when he had nothing but open field and end zone ahead. The play would have surely resulted in a TD (as well as a victory for my Fantasy Team) but alas, it was not meant to be.

In crazy NFL news Cam Newton & Famous Jameis Winston both had similarly EPIC games this weekend, destroying the competition (2 losers from the NFC East - the Redskins and the Eagles) and looking damn good while doing so. The similarities of their games are actually pretty eerie. Both the Bucs and the Panthers are in the NFC South. Both QBs threw for 246 yards and 5 Touchdowns - and both won by a margin of 28 points. Pretty crazy. Fun Fact: Jameis Winston now has 15 passing TDs in his ROOKIE SEASON - which is just 2 passing TDs shy of Tim Tebows 17 CAREER passing TDs.

Lastly in NFL News - Johnny Football. Johnny Manziel, fresh out of rehab and newly appointed starting QB of the Cleveland Browns has been officially demoted from 1st string to 3rd string QB after only 6 starters. Why? Well because Money Manziel loves to party, and decided to spend his bye week going on a 2 day bender. Despite being told to act accordingly and stay out of trouble, the former 1st round draft pick partied his ass off in Texas in pure frat boy fashion, all while being video tapped and put online for all the world to see. Congratulations, dumbass, you may have pissed away your last chance.

WORLD NEWS
WWIII
Article 42.7
As mentioned last week, we live in dangerous and unpredictable times right now. In the wake of the attacks in Paris, the world is still trying to figure out how to move forward. France, however, is ready to act. Calling the actions of ISIS an act of war, France has decided to Invoke Article 42.7 of the European Union Treaty. The Full story can be seen here, but basically Article 42.7 stipulates that "if a member state is the victim of an armed aggression on it's territory, the other member states shall have towards it an obligation of aid and assistance by all the means in their power". Long story short - Article 42.7 has never been used, but calls for a mutual show of force among the 28 member states to unite and fight the common enemy. How this will pan out is yet to be seen, but it doesn't look good for the Islamic State

What does it mean for us? Not much yet, as long as one of our Allies doesn't do anything stupid...

TURKEY
Speaking of stupid Allies, Turkey for some reason thought it was a good idea to poke the Bear and shoot down a Russian Warplane over the Turkish-Syrian border. Turkey claims they gave the the plane plenty of time to respond and remove themselves from the Turkish airspace, claiming the Russians ignored 10 warnings. The Russian claim they were flying on the border and were over Turkish airspace for a mere 30 seconds and there could not have been 10 warnings. Now not only did they shoot down the plane, but as the two pilots ejected, one was shot and killed while parachuting to the ground, and then a Russian marine was killed on Tuesday during an operation to rescue the pilots. The fate of the other Russian pilot is yet unclear. You can read more about the story here. Russia has seen this as an Act of War and has promised a swift retaliation with severe consequences. Turkey, while cowering and instantaneously regretting this decision, is leaning on it's NATO membership status to save it's ass. NATO, (or as some of you may know it by it's other name - NAMBLA) - is the North Atlantic Treaty Organization and an act against one of its member is an act against all of them. So, when Russian retaliates (AND IT WILL), the NATO members are supposed to act and respond together. Thank goodness we aren't in that silly club. Oh wait, we are. Damnit.

POLITICS/SMOLITICS
If you're like me, you like your politicians Crazy and unhinged. Just a whole mess of awful ideas and absurd rhetoric. Well if that's your cup of tea, then look no further - I’ve got the candidate for you!! Move over Trump, there's a new King of Crazy town!! New Hampshire Lunatic and Boot-for-a-hat aficionado Vermin Supreme has entered the 2016 race, running on his "Pony Economy" platform of Free Ponies for all Americans.

He has some pretty strong ideas for his presidency. He knows how to defeat ISIS - and it's obviously through the use of Time Travel. Whereas Trump believes we should be deporting all minorities, Vermin Supreme feels the government's top priority should clearly be Zombie Apocalypse Awareness.

His credentials include running for President as a Republican in 2008, for the Free Pony Party in 2012, and now as a Democrat in 2016. He was also the first candidate to openly propose we utilize Time travel to Kill Baby Hitler. By the way, this is all amazingly true...if you don't believe me click here. Or see below for the video of the Man, the Myth, the Legend - Vermin Supreme!!

Don't know about you, but he's got my vote.

BLACK FRIDAY

Personally, I have always hated Black Friday. To me, it’s always been a chaotic mess of unnecessary stress and is time that would better be spent with family and friends. But I get it, some people just got to have that new Magic Mike DVD for $2.99. And every once in a while you'll find a good deal in the stores:

But most of the time you can find real cool gifts online much easier. Like what you ask? How bout some limited edition Golden Girls Home-made Granny Panties?

The gift that keeps on giving, nothing will get your man's motor running like a picture of Bea Arthur on your crotch. And what lady wouldn't feel frisky and free as they channel their inner Blanche when you get down and dirty? This one's a winner, and you don't have to wait in line at Best-buy for this deal!!

But don't worry guys, I didn't forget about you! I know you ladies like to keep your men up-to-date with the latest styles and fashion. Well look no further, I have the holiday gift for you - Glitterbeards!!

Well the Holiday is now officially in full forceTrust me when I say that Fabulous Facial Hair will be all the craze this holiday season, so be sure to get on this quick!! You don't want to be left in the dark on this one!!

THANKSGIVING
I feel like I would be doing us all a severe injustice if I didn't provide at least some interesting story or tid-bit of info about the Holiday we're celebrating today. So I did a little research and found out some very interesting (and disturbing) history. In case you didn't know, the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indians. While we commonly associate Turkeys with Thanksgiving, they were surprisingly not feasted upon early on. In fact, it's not exactly know when Turkey became the go to meal for the feast, but most signs point to the 19th Century (click here) when Abe Lincoln declared Thanksgiving a national Holiday after the lobbying of prominent magazine editor of Godey's Lady Book Sara Josepha Hale. Hale campaigned for the holiday and wrote novels romanticizing turkeys in an over-the-top-drooling description - which eventually worked and led to the Bird being associated as the meal of the day. While this is some neat information, it's not what I found interesting.

The interesting find was that while it wasn't adopted until the 19th century as the official center piece of the holiday feast, that wasn't the first time a Turkey was "stuffed". According to Of Plymouth Plantation, the diary of Plymouth Governor William Bradford, the first interaction between a Turkey and a Pilgrim on Thanksgiving occurred in 1642 when local deviant Thomas Granger was executed for having sex with a number of animals - including the bird that would become the Thanksgiving Mascot. According to the diary, Granger was "detected of buggery and indicted for the same - with a mare, a cow, two goats, five sheep, two calves, and a turkey. Horrible as it is to mention, but the truth of history requires it." Apparently this guy had an insatiable appetite for all things farm animal. As strange as this was, the punishment was just as odd. The Authorities worked to determine which animals Granger had sex with, then they proceeded to kill the animals in front of him before executing Granger himself. So in a sense, they killed his lovers, made him watch, and then killed him. Oh - and they then buried the animals as opposed to eating them because their bodies had been defiled.

Lucky for us, this behavior was frowned upon, otherwise today would have a different meaning and outcome all together.

MEME of the WEEK

HOLIDAY HAPPENINGS

Thursday
Well the Holiday is now officially in full force. Many of you will be looking forward to many hours of good ol' fashioned American Gluttony - stuffing our faces while over indulging in endless hours of Football and small talk, to be followed by too many deserts and not enough naps. God I love this day.
Football games to watch today -
- The Eagles look to continue their losing streak as they face-off against the Lions at 12:30 pm
- The Panthers aim to dominate the Cowboys and improve to 11-0 at 4:30 pm
- The Packers seek redemption and a win against the Bears at 8:30 pm

Friday
Tomorrow, despite my thoughts on the day, many will venture out to fight the crowds on Black Friday and search for the best deals money can buy...others will sit back relax and gorge on leftovers (and wait to shop on Cyber Monday).

Saturday
The highlight of the weekend for me (besides the food) is what is known as the Best Weekend in College Football - Rivalry Weekend. If you love College Football, you love this weekend!

12 pm
- Georgia/GA Tech - Starts off the day. Richt is literally fighting for his job against a bunch of Nerds that embarrassed our Noles in heartbreaking fashions just a month ago. Tough to say who wins this one, but I'm leaning towards the Bulldogs. They may suck, but GA Tech ain't that good either.
- Ohio St (8) /Michigan (10) – One of the oldest rivalries in College Sports, the Ohio State Buckeyes are seeking redemption for the massive "upset" they were just handed by Michigan St last week, while Jim Harbough is looking to make a name & impact immediately by showing Urban who's boss. I got Michigan all the way on this one.

3:30 pm
- Alabama (2) /Auburn -One of the best teams in the nation vs the team that lost to every SEC team besides Kentucky and Texas A&M. Georgia beat them. Love to see someone challenge Bama, but it won't happen here. No contest.
- Clemson/South Carolina – Yea...no. If South Carolina scores twice I'll be surprised.

7:30 pm
- Florida (12) / Florida State (13) - This is it…The Big One. We have had a tough season with 1 expected loss against Clemson, and one surprising (yet unbelievable) loss against GA Tech. We have moments of greatness behind powerhouse Dalvin Cook, and Sean Maguire has shined recently with his starts against Clemson, Chattanooga and when he was brought in against NC State. Meanwhile, Florida has only 1 loss to LSU and is headed to the SEC Championship. They have struggled in too many games and haven't won pretty, but a win is a win. For Noles, this is a season saving game if we win. For Florida, it's bragging rights and their chance to reclaim the state. With most of their defensive line littered with injuries, and their QB being highly unreliable at best, I'm going to go all in on our Boys and call it for the Noles!!! You heard it here first!!
- Notre Dame (6) /Stanford (9) – This is Notre Dame's chance to justify that they belong in the hunt and step up to the plate against rival Stanford. Can it be done? I'm going Stanford on this one.
8:00 pm
Oklahoma (3) /Oklahoma State (11) - They're 10-1 and ranked in the playoff hunt for the first time this season - but are they strong enough to stay there? Oklahoma St will be gunning for them and I smell upset...

Sunday
Jaguars look to extend their Winning Streak to3 games!!! No better team to face off in this scenario than The Chargers (well maybe the Eagles). Fingers crossed CJ, but this game could lead us into the playoffs buddy!!

Pete's Bengals face off against Todd Gurley and the Rams, Jenn's Bill go head-to head against the Chiefs, Ms Ogburn's Steelers battle the Seahawks; Chris' Falcons hope to win a game for once against AP & the Vikings, and Eacho's Colts try to contain Jameis and the Bucs. Oh yea, and with Ol' Five-Head Manning on the bench, a new era in football has begun: Brady vs Brock.

Should be fun!!

FAME of the WEEK
Evan & Cassie Malloy
If you haven't heard the good news by now, in the early months of next year the happy couple will be welcoming a beautiful baby GIRL!! Congrats Cassie, you get your very own mini-me I'm sure will have the same kind heart and excited puppy-like demeanor as you! Evan...Good luck buddy. You are screwed and you are soon to be wrapped around that little ones pretty tiny fingers. Kiss what little hair you have left good bye, because I hear they can be a handful. In all seriousness though, congrats to you both - we are all very happy for you and look forward to meeting the newest addition to the Malloy Clan!!

SHAME of the WEEK
ME
Once again I win the crown for Shame of the Week, and I am racing towards the Shame of Fame. My crime this time? My big mouth. Not only have I spent the last few months berating Meide and belittling his Fantasy Football team, I went into this week a 39 point favorite to win...and ended up losing by 3 pts. "Whistlegate" didn't help, nor did the early loss of Devonta Freeman to a concussion, but regardless - that's Karma for you. But that's not all. While at the Falcons/Colts game I started my trash talk early and Eacho didn't argue, she just smiled and took it like a champ. I even posted a shit-talking FB status mid game tagging her for being a "Good sport during this @$$whooping her Ponies were taking". Once again, foot in mouth and Karma kicked me swiftly in the nuts. The lesson here? There isn't one. I refuse to learn from this.

Well that about wraps it up for this week's edition. Sorry if it was a bit long-winded, but had a lot to cover and I hope you enjoyed it. As we end the Corner this week, I thought I would share this quote that I think embodies this Holiday in the truest form:

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; Not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." - Charles Dickens

Thanks again for your time. Have fun and stay safe this holiday weekend. Love you all and look forward to seeing you all soon. Have a great Thanksgiving, a wonderful weekend, and as always - GO NOLES!!!

Comments

​Just the News​...According to Me​

CURRAN's CORNER: Politics Schmolitics

The Great Right Dope: Leisure Suit Larry​

The Hair Apparent: Cheeto Hitler​

The Pantsuit Princess: Kill-bot Granny

CONCLUSION: We're Screwed

​SPORTS REPORTFOOTBALL

The MADNESS of MARCH!!

​MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL?? More Like MAJOR LEAGUE BORING (am I right?)

​MOVIE TIME​CAGE MATCH: ACTION EDITION

THE ROCK

​CAGE RAGE:

CAGE CUT:

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:

HEADLINE NEWS

​I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT

​MEME of The WEEK

​FAME of The WEEKTeam MusSins

​SHAME of The WEEK​This BatFan Right Here

IT'S FINALLY OVER!

​SPORTS SCHMORTS

​MOVIE MADNESS

​CAGE MATCH!!!

MESSIAHS AND ZOMBIES AND BUNNIES - Oh MY!!!!

​MEME of the WEEK

​SHAME of the WEEK

​FAME of the WEEK

The END

CAGE MATCH - Comic Book Edition

CAGE CUTNothing really spectacular here - but he did go as natural and bravely flaunted the ever-rescinding hairline which he now sports in real life. Gave him an extra point for bravery - plus the fire thing. Even with the extra points, still only a 2/5 for Cage Cuts

MEME of the WEEK

CAGE MATCH: The Battle Continues

CAGE CUT:This may be one of his last performances before the great hairline decline of the 90s. Not wild, but not bad. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:I felt like I was tripping balls watching this film. Made no damn sense, and not entirely sure I didn't just dream the whole thing. - 1.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:Strong performance on the Cage Rage - and the weirdness factor/lack of believability actually help bump this one up to an impressive 4/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

​PANDAMONIUMIn what is hands down the greatest job on the planet (looking at you Cassie), the Giant Panda Protection and Research Center in China hires Panda-Nannies whose jobs are to give Pandas hugs 365 days a year. Yes you read that right.

​MEME of the WEEK

Categories

Archives

Just the News
...According to Me

The Great Right Dope: Leisure Suit Larry

The Hair Apparent: Cheeto Hitler

SPORTS REPORT
FOOTBALL

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL?? More Like MAJOR LEAGUE BORING (am I right?)

MOVIE TIME
CAGE MATCH: ACTION EDITION

CAGE RAGE:

I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT

MEME of The WEEK

FAME of The WEEK
Team MusSins

SHAME of The WEEK
This BatFan Right Here

SPORTS SCHMORTS

MOVIE MADNESS

CAGE MATCH!!!

MEME of the WEEK

SHAME of the WEEK

FAME of the WEEK

CAGE CUT
Nothing really spectacular here - but he did go as natural and bravely flaunted the ever-rescinding hairline which he now sports in real life. Gave him an extra point for bravery - plus the fire thing. Even with the extra points, still only a 2/5 for Cage Cuts

CAGE CUT:
This may be one of his last performances before the great hairline decline of the 90s. Not wild, but not bad. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts

PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:
I felt like I was tripping balls watching this film. Made no damn sense, and not entirely sure I didn't just dream the whole thing. - 1.5/5 Serious Cages

OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Strong performance on the Cage Rage - and the weirdness factor/lack of believability actually help bump this one up to an impressive 4/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.

PANDAMONIUM
In what is hands down the greatest job on the planet (looking at you Cassie), the Giant Panda Protection and Research Center in China hires Panda-Nannies whose jobs are to give Pandas hugs 365 days a year. Yes you read that right.

MEME of the WEEK