Good Morning and Happy Friday All!
Congratulations are in order - you have all officially made it through the 1st full week of the New Year!! I'm sure you all are now richer, happier and in better shape after attacking all your New Years' Resolutions with ferocity. No? Darn. Maybe next year,
Congratulations are in order - you have all officially made it through the 1st full week of the New Year!! I'm sure you all are now richer, happier and in better shape after attacking all your New Years' Resolutions with ferocity. No? Darn. Maybe next year,
Jokes aside, I hope you all are enjoying all the wonderful things the New Year has to offer - New Jobs (looking at you el Toro), New Loves (looking at you EScott) and New Life (looking in the mirror with my wonderful wife). Yup, 2016 is off to a good start and hopefully the awesomeness will continue for the next 51 weeks!
Now I took a couple weeks off to get fat and happy over the Holidays, but the Corner is back and hopefully better than ever...well at least part of that is true. Most of this is still just nonsense - but as long as you get a couple chuckles then I'm happy to keep doing this. Now there's alot to cover, so I'll end the intro here and get on to the reason you're here...Memes!!
Now I took a couple weeks off to get fat and happy over the Holidays, but the Corner is back and hopefully better than ever...well at least part of that is true. Most of this is still just nonsense - but as long as you get a couple chuckles then I'm happy to keep doing this. Now there's alot to cover, so I'll end the intro here and get on to the reason you're here...Memes!!
**DISCLAIMER** Since I took a couple weeks off, I crammed a ton in here, so it's a bit longer than usual. #sorryimnotsorry
RESOLUTIONS
Before I jump back into the regular rountine of the Corner, I wanted to touch briefly on Resolutions since it is a New Year. Some of my past resolutions included eventually moving off of Bundy & Trost's couch, binge watching Breaking Bad, losing weight, giving up drinking, tricking Nicole into marrying me, and becoming Batman. With a little persistence and a ton of help from my friends I've been able to accomplish MOST of those goals - very thankful for 2 out of the last 3 (maybe this will be my Batman year...)
So this time I decided I would shoot for something a little more difficult. I feel like one thing missing from my life is Culture - and that's what I intend to remedy this year. So after much discussion with my good friend Mark aka "The Grinder" aka 🐒💨...I decided to immerse myself in Classic American Cinema, and become knowledgeable on all things pertaining to one of our countries' National Treasures - Nicholas Cage.
Over the next 26 weeks leading to the birth of my daughter I will be viewing and reviewing the works of this American icon. But I'm not going for your average, award-winning/socially acceptable Nic Cage performances - we're going for the Cage-iest performances...the weird and nuanced way that only Nic Cage can act. With over 80 films in his repertoire, there are more than enough performances to choose from. He's like the White Samuel L. Jackson (who he costarred with in Amos & Andrew)
I will be rating them on Cage Rage, Cage Cut (Hairline) and Plot & Overall Cage-iness.. Then, at the end of the challenge, I will have an elimination Death Match, pitting the Cagiest performances against each other and crown a King Cage.
Either I finish this Challenge and arise victorious, or I get to the point where I can't take the Cage anymore and give up - giving him the victory. This will not be easy, and at times I may want to just quit - but I will be strong and I will prevail. Plus it will fill the void left by football once the playoffs are through. So without further adieu - I present a new segment I'd like to call...
THE CAGE MATCH -Two "Men" enter, One "Man" Wins
DEADFALL
For the 1st challenge, Mark suggested I go old school with a relatively unknown performance.from 1993. The film was written and directed by Christopher Coppola - nephew of famed director Francis Ford Coppola and the brother of our "hero" - Nicholas Kim Coppola (aka Nic Cage). Boasting a 3.7/10 on IMDB, this film marked what many believe to be the beginning of Cage's over-acting performances.
Set up like a bad detective noir film where the main character narrates and explains his every move, this film starts off just like I had expected...horribly. The story follows Joe - a Con man with a heart of Gold, who accidentally shoots his father in a con gone wrong, and immediately goes off the deep end depressed and drugged out for all of 2 minutes until his dad's funeral. Then he's all sober and right as rain. Then Joe goes down to Miami to find his Uncle he didn't know he had and that's where he meets Eddie - the coked out, fast talking, wig wearing, mustached Nic Cage. His main characteristics are calling everyone friend, or bay-bay, or saying "Viva la France bay-bay" and sweating a lot. Oh and he has a card trick where he makes you pick a card and its always the Joker, and he says "Hallelujah, Joker's Wild bay-bay". His best line is when he punches a random guy in the gut and screams "Hiy-F*ckin-Yah Man!!"
Here's a quick highlight reel that MUST be viewed...
For the 1st challenge, Mark suggested I go old school with a relatively unknown performance.from 1993. The film was written and directed by Christopher Coppola - nephew of famed director Francis Ford Coppola and the brother of our "hero" - Nicholas Kim Coppola (aka Nic Cage). Boasting a 3.7/10 on IMDB, this film marked what many believe to be the beginning of Cage's over-acting performances.
Set up like a bad detective noir film where the main character narrates and explains his every move, this film starts off just like I had expected...horribly. The story follows Joe - a Con man with a heart of Gold, who accidentally shoots his father in a con gone wrong, and immediately goes off the deep end depressed and drugged out for all of 2 minutes until his dad's funeral. Then he's all sober and right as rain. Then Joe goes down to Miami to find his Uncle he didn't know he had and that's where he meets Eddie - the coked out, fast talking, wig wearing, mustached Nic Cage. His main characteristics are calling everyone friend, or bay-bay, or saying "Viva la France bay-bay" and sweating a lot. Oh and he has a card trick where he makes you pick a card and its always the Joker, and he says "Hallelujah, Joker's Wild bay-bay". His best line is when he punches a random guy in the gut and screams "Hiy-F*ckin-Yah Man!!"
Here's a quick highlight reel that MUST be viewed...
Long Story short, Joe's Uncle Lou is his Dad's twin brother so it's played by the same character from before, who may or may not be his real father because they both slept with his mom. Eddie works for Uncle Lou as his "crazy enforcer"...gets jealous of Joe, and thinks Uncle Lou is sleeping with his girl, so he tries to kill him at a carnaval. But Joe saves the day just in time and dumps Nic Cage's face in a McDonald's fryer on grease burns his face off. And then things get weird. Charlie Sheen shows up with a goatee and a butler, plays pool with Joe and introduces him to his boss which is a guy that looks like he was a rejected villian from a bond movie. His name is Dr. Lime, but he has a claw hand and they call him Dr. Claw. So Uncle Lou wants to con him, with Joe, and Joe narrates awful lines like "if this goes wrong its the kind of thing that sends you deep into the Shadows squinting for the truth.'" Oh, and I forgot to mention that he's sleeping with Nic Cage's girlfriend who looks like his mother. Anyways - so Uncle Lou gets shot in the same way his Dad gets shot, then it turns out his Dad is still alive and was behind it the whole time! And then he tries to shoot his dad but the gun has blanks, so he doesn't. And he walks away. The End.
CAGE RAGE:
As far as crazy performances, this is pretty Cage-tastic. I give it 4/5 Cage Rages
As far as crazy performances, this is pretty Cage-tastic. I give it 4/5 Cage Rages
CAGE CUT:
He's sporting a pretty awesome dumb and dumber-esque wig, which definitely comes off in the fight at the carnival. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts
He's sporting a pretty awesome dumb and dumber-esque wig, which definitely comes off in the fight at the carnival. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts
Plot/Writing:
Putrid. This movie was hard to watch even for a Nic Cage movie. 1.5/5 Serious Cages
Putrid. This movie was hard to watch even for a Nic Cage movie. 1.5/5 Serious Cages
OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Lots of overacting, plenty of Cage Rage and just enough of an awful haircut gives this film a solid 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.
Lots of overacting, plenty of Cage Rage and just enough of an awful haircut gives this film a solid 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.
SPORTS
Since we left off, a lot has happened in the sports world. So much that I won't have time to cover it all without loosing the majority of you - so I'll just do a brief Re-Cap.
College Football
Bowl Season came and went - and aside from a few crazy games (TCU down 31-0 against Oregon going into 1/2, then coming back and winning 47-41 in double OT!!) the games were pretty hum drum and one-sided. Here're the highlights:
- FSU showed the world what a rebuilding year really looks like, getting embarrassed here in Atlanta by Houston (38-24)
- Florida managed to actually score a TD against the Michigan Wolverines in 2015 gator-esgue fashion losing (41-7)
- Georgia Bulldogs pulled a rabitt out of their asses and beat Penn State (24-17)
- Notre Dame finished a season with in shameful fashion against Urban Meyer an the Ohio State Buckeyes losing (44-28).
- Clemson dominated the Oklahoma Sooners and continued their Undefeated season winning (37-17)
- Alabama embarassed Michigan State Spartans and showed why they're still the best finishing (38-0)
- SEC dominated the bowl season and proved me wrong going 8-2 and showed the nation that they're still the best Conference in the land.
NFL
The regular season is now over. Quick rundown of what happened:
- Jaguars finished the season the way they started - as losers. 5-11. Damn it. And Headcoach Gus Bradley keeps his job.
- The Chip Kelley experiment in Philly is over. Eagles finish 8-8
- Colts and Falcons batted .500 going 8-8
- Rex Ryan managed to screw the Jets over 1 more time as the Bills beat the Jets and kept them out of the playoffs
- Greenbay lost to Minnesota on purpose so they wouldn't have to play the Seahawks
- Steelers snuck into the playoffs and everyone in the AFC is afraid. Seriously.
Now that's out of the way, here comes the fun stuff.
This Pizza Tastes like Steroids
Papa Johns peddler and Fore-head Enthusiast Peyton Manning was accused of using Human Growth Hormone (HGH) in a Documentary on Al Jazeera report. According to pharmacist and evil villain in a bad detective novel Charlie Sly, Peyton received HGH from the Guyer Clinic in Indianapolis. Peyton of course vehemently denied the allegations and said the story was “completely fabricated, complete trash, garbage,” and he dismissed Sly as a “slapstick.”. After a little bit of digging, turns out the tattle-tale in question actually
may or may not have just been an intern for the Guyer Clinic in 2013, and was not working there when Manning supposedly got his goodies - Sly also said he was wrong to name Peyton. So case closed? Not really. Turns out the New York Times went all investigative on the situation and dug themselves. In regards to Sly, they discovered Nearly all of the athletes he named are clients of Jason Riley, a fitness trainer based in Sarasota, Fla.,” Powell wrote. “Here is where the story of Charles Sly becomes more intriguing. Sly is a business partner of Riley’s. When Sly applied for a pharmacist license in Florida, he used Riley’s home address.” Does that mean Peyton's guilty? Prob not. Is it suspicious? Absolutely. And although we all love ol' 5-Head Manning, if we're being honest, the guy literally BROKE HIS NECK, sat out 1 season and returned a year later to have the Greatest Season in his Career. I personally don't care if injects stem cells directly into that ginormous brow of his - he's an athlete and it's entertaining when he's healthy. The Double standard is funny though - Tom Brady farts and it's investigated by Roger Goodell..Poor Tom Brady.
Cleveland: Ohio's Armpit
Everytime I start to think it's hard to be a Jags fan, I remind myself that Cleveland somehow still has a football team and remember that things could be worse. Way Worse. How bad have the Browns been in the last 17 years? Try a .320 winning percentage with one playoff appearance. Finishing the season 3-13, the Browns have fired Headcoach Mike Petitine - making that the 4th headcoach fired in 6 seasons. They also got rid of GM Ray Farmer...the brainchild who drafted Trent Richardson, Brandon Weedon & Johnny Manziel. So now they've decided to try something new - and hired Brian DePodesta. That name sound familiar? It should if you like baseball, because that's where he's been working for the last 19 years. Yes DePodesta is the real life baseball nerd Jonah Hill was playing in the movie "MoneyBall". Yea...so there's that.
Everytime I start to think it's hard to be a Jags fan, I remind myself that Cleveland somehow still has a football team and remember that things could be worse. Way Worse. How bad have the Browns been in the last 17 years? Try a .320 winning percentage with one playoff appearance. Finishing the season 3-13, the Browns have fired Headcoach Mike Petitine - making that the 4th headcoach fired in 6 seasons. They also got rid of GM Ray Farmer...the brainchild who drafted Trent Richardson, Brandon Weedon & Johnny Manziel. So now they've decided to try something new - and hired Brian DePodesta. That name sound familiar? It should if you like baseball, because that's where he's been working for the last 19 years. Yes DePodesta is the real life baseball nerd Jonah Hill was playing in the movie "MoneyBall". Yea...so there's that.
Speaking of Manziel...
My Friends call me Billy
Johnny Manziel (aka The Biggest Douche in NFL History) made headlines recently - and of course it was all off-field issues. While supposedly out for a Concussion, Johnny Football was not slated to start for the Browns in their last game of the season against the Steelers. He was required, however, to report daily and undergo medical examinations as per NFL Concussion Protocol. Well the fun started Tuesday 12/29/15 when Johnny (who went to rehab earlier in the season to keep his job) showed up “disheveled and inebriated” to practice. After being sent home for being drunk, he cleaned up his act for a couple days then went back to form and no-call no-showed for his Sunday morning 9 am evaluation with the team doctors. Turns out Johnny had a fun night. He started off laying down a good alibi by posting a pic of him and his dog by the fire on Instagram saying "My Saturday night"...then proceed to (Allegedly) hope on a private Jet to Las Vegas to bro-out Johnny Football style...because he literally could not wait 1 week for the season to be over. Once in Vegass, Johnny (Allegedly) donned disguise to allow him to party his ass off in Sin City. The disguise? A Blonde Wig and Fake Blonde Mustache. His Alias? "Billy Manziel". Flawless.Just...Flawless. Sounds like something out of an Adam Sandler movie. So basically he's done in Cleveland and no surprise here - Jerry Jones has interest in him becoming a Cowboy.
My Friends call me Billy
Johnny Manziel (aka The Biggest Douche in NFL History) made headlines recently - and of course it was all off-field issues. While supposedly out for a Concussion, Johnny Football was not slated to start for the Browns in their last game of the season against the Steelers. He was required, however, to report daily and undergo medical examinations as per NFL Concussion Protocol. Well the fun started Tuesday 12/29/15 when Johnny (who went to rehab earlier in the season to keep his job) showed up “disheveled and inebriated” to practice. After being sent home for being drunk, he cleaned up his act for a couple days then went back to form and no-call no-showed for his Sunday morning 9 am evaluation with the team doctors. Turns out Johnny had a fun night. He started off laying down a good alibi by posting a pic of him and his dog by the fire on Instagram saying "My Saturday night"...then proceed to (Allegedly) hope on a private Jet to Las Vegas to bro-out Johnny Football style...because he literally could not wait 1 week for the season to be over. Once in Vegass, Johnny (Allegedly) donned disguise to allow him to party his ass off in Sin City. The disguise? A Blonde Wig and Fake Blonde Mustache. His Alias? "Billy Manziel". Flawless.Just...Flawless. Sounds like something out of an Adam Sandler movie. So basically he's done in Cleveland and no surprise here - Jerry Jones has interest in him becoming a Cowboy.
NOT NECESSARILY THE NEWS
PUTIN is Soviet for SEXY
Russian Dictator...er.."President" Vladimir Putin is a modern day John Wayne...if John Wayne were a communist that hates homosexuals, smiling and Capitalism. And the Russians can't get enough of their Commie Cowboy. They seriously love the guy - he's got an 80% approval rating over there. And in an effort to give the people what they want, Putin released a limited edition 2016 calendar featuring different sexy Putin Poses for each month. My personal favorites are:
March:
And July:
The best part is, it's sold over 200,000 copies! Take note Obama - this is how you win the people over - shirtless Calendars!!
Check out my Camel Toe
While Steve Harvey was over here in the US ruining the Miss Universe Pageant and sullying the sacred tradition of Judging women on Beauty and ability to wear a bikini and evening gown on stage, our friends in the Middle East had a little Beauty contest of their own. Men from Oman, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the Emirates gathered at Al Dhafra Festival—an annual meeting best known for its Camel Mazayna, or "Annual Camel Beauty Contest". In what is totally too good to be true, Men gather at the festival which runs through the last week of December to parade their finest Camels for best-in-show events, and prizes are given for the fastest, "milkiest," and most beautiful creatures. Prizes total in the amount of (I shit you not) $14.9 Million. And they take this super serious and only want Natural Beauties. According to the entrant's handbook "Camels that are found with drugs in the lips, shaved, dyed in any parts of the body, or with changes from natural form are not allowed." The winners are treated to a life of pampering and prestige - while the losing and less fortunate camels are (still not making this up) served for dinner.
Check out my Camel Toe
While Steve Harvey was over here in the US ruining the Miss Universe Pageant and sullying the sacred tradition of Judging women on Beauty and ability to wear a bikini and evening gown on stage, our friends in the Middle East had a little Beauty contest of their own. Men from Oman, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and the Emirates gathered at Al Dhafra Festival—an annual meeting best known for its Camel Mazayna, or "Annual Camel Beauty Contest". In what is totally too good to be true, Men gather at the festival which runs through the last week of December to parade their finest Camels for best-in-show events, and prizes are given for the fastest, "milkiest," and most beautiful creatures. Prizes total in the amount of (I shit you not) $14.9 Million. And they take this super serious and only want Natural Beauties. According to the entrant's handbook "Camels that are found with drugs in the lips, shaved, dyed in any parts of the body, or with changes from natural form are not allowed." The winners are treated to a life of pampering and prestige - while the losing and less fortunate camels are (still not making this up) served for dinner.
I'm Dying to try this Perfume
When preparing for the eventual Zombie Apocolypse, there are a few things you need to remember. 1 - Always shoot them in the head. 2 - Be very, very quiet. 3 - They detect you through scent. Now historically, the 1st two things have been factors that survivors can control - but the 3rd has always been a bit tricky. In order to go un-detected you have to smell like them - which means you have to kill them, gut them, and drape your body in their entrails. And who has time for that?!?
Well lucky for us, that 3rd factor may no longer be an issue. Raychelle Burks, a chemist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, has identified the chemicals that she says could protect you during a zombie attack, by making you smell just like them - basically a Zombie Perfume that gives off that fresh death scent. According to Burks "We want to disguise ourselves, blend in with the surroundings… We need to cover up our natural scent to fool this environment. We need to smell like zombies," Right now, she’s working on producing enough ‘death stench’ chemicals for commercial use, but hopefully will have something by the time the zombie apocalypse comes - which it obviously will.. "We do not want to be testing in the middle of a zombie apocalypse," she says. "We want to know we have something that works (by then)."
Fun Fact: This research is actually being funded! (Still no cure for Cancer)
MEME of THE WEEK
WEEKEND EVENTS
A little birdy told me that this weekend is the Birthday of Oggi's better-half - Ms Ogburatta! I think she's turning anywhere between 19-72, if I'm not mistaken. Not so good with "Math" or "Numbers". Not sure what's on the agenda for Friday, but it will probably involve some sort of Happy Hour in the Dresden area....if I had to guess.
Sat kicks off some funstivites at Bowl-o-Rama or Fun-time Bowl (one of those is made up and I can't remember which one) to be followed by dirty, regretful drinks and dining at Buford Highway's most prestigious Mexican restaurant Panchos. Yes Panchos - Come for the Tacos, leave with the diarrhea!
Also happening this weekend are the NFL Wild Card Playoff games - Saturdays games are
AFC Wild Card Game 1: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Houston Texans, at 4:35 p.m.,on ESPN
AFC Wild Card Game 2: Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cincinnati Bengals, at 8:15 p.m., on CBS
- Game 1 - No Brain-er. KC all the way.
- Game 2 - this is a little tougher. Dalton's finger healed and he should get the start...if he does, I think the Bengals will finally break the streak and win a playoff game for the 1st time since 1991. If they start AJ Maccaron...the Steelers will be winning all the way to the AFC Championship game.
Sunday's line up is
NFC Wild Card Game 1: Seattle Seahawks vs. Minnesota Vikings, at 1:05 p.m., NBC
NFC Wild Card Game 2: Green Bay Packers vs. Washington, at 4:40 p.m., FOX
- Game 1 - Seahawks (duh)...
- Game 2 - Kirk Cousins takes out Greenbay. Washington has been on fire lately and Rodgers and the Packers have looked awful this season..
Lastly - the National Championship Monday Night - Clemson vs Alabama...Tigers all the way, going 15-0.
FAMES of the WEEK
Since it's the end of the regular season, The Fames of the Week go to the Champions of Fantasy this season! AJJ and Yours Truly!!
AJJ's team Upper Decker fought her way to the top and won the girl's league - The Trophy Wives Club. In what has to be the most pathetic final score in the history of Fantasy Football, AJJ beat out Sacks in the City by just .28 pts. But hey, a win's a win! She takes home the trophy, the money and the bragging rights!! Atleast 1 Johnson family member knows how to play Fantasy!! Way to go, Gangsta!!
As for me? Not only did I win my 1st Championship in the guy's league - Seminole Fluid, but my team the Cleveland Steamers shit all over the competition this season, winning me extra cash for most points. I have joined the elite winners circle along side Fantasy Great Pete the Mussbuss. The best part? I have a Championship and Meide still doesn't. (AJJ's lesser half doesn't either.). BOOM!!
SHAME of the WEEK
The Glitter Queen of the House TyDell
Since there the Corner took a two week break to celebrate the Holidays, I thought that I wouldn't get the pleasure of awarding Ms TyDell this Shame because I assumed the situation would have been rectified...but alas, she had no such luck!!
Before Christmas, at the Manor in LaBundy Hills, Ms TyDell wore a Fantabulous Glitter Gown. She looked lovely. But as many of you know, Glitter has a tendency to get on EVERYTHING it comes within a 5 mile radius of...and it doesn't die. Once there, it's there for life. It's like the Herpes of the Fashion industry. Well at LaBundy Hills, against her better judgement, the Glitter Queen took a seat on their newly acquired sofa...and by the time she got up it was so sparkly you'd think a Unicorn Farted Fairy Dust all over it. Glitter. EVERYWHERE.
So here we are, 5 weeks later and there are still traces of the Glittering that took place. For Shame Ms TyDell - For SHAME!!!
Fun Fact: She plans on wearing it to the wedding next month and give out Free Hugs!!
Well that's enough rambling for this edition - thanks for stopping by and reading this nonsense. If you enjoyed it or had any complaints please feel free and comment below (all the cool kids comment). Also if you have any suggestions for the Corner you can bring it up below or under the Topics section. Lastly if you have a Nic Cage movie you think I should suffer through then let me know - the Cage-ier the better!!
Thanks again, Hope this kicks your Friday off right!! Have a Great Day and Wonderful weekend!!