Good Morning & Happy Tuesday!
"Ok campers, Rise & Shine - and don't forget your booties' cause it's cooooold out there!" Well, not really, but felt that intro was the only way to start this week's "special" edition of the Corner. What makes it "special"? Well it's a National Holiday for one! And two, it's also "special" in that slow, lovable dumb / "I-pity-you" way like Brendan Dassey from Making a Murderer. But back to my point - today is Groundhog's Day - the age old tradition of the country turning it's attention to a jittery, inconsistent weather forecasting "rat" to determine if the seasons are officially changing. It's Science.
Regardless the outcome, one thing's for sure - I'm probably watching the Bill Murray classic tonight.
Personal plans for tonight aside, thank you all for checking back in for a little bit of humor today. Hope you all had a great week, and a somewhat easy to handle Monday. Glad I could be a part of your day and hope these chuckles help get you through the week!
SPORTS
2016 Pro Bowl
This past weekend the NFL's Best and brightest that didn't make it to the Super Bowl gathered in sunny Hawaii for a televised game of two hand touch football. It's hardly worth watching. But I did. Mainly to see FSU greats Jameis Winston & Devonta Freeman light it up for Team Irvin - along with Jaguars standout AR15 Allen Robinson tear up Team Rice's Defense. In their first Pro Bowl appearances, Jameis threw for 2 TDs, Devonta rushed for 1 TD, and Robinson led the Pro Bowl in yards with 105 yards & 1 TD (despite only 2 receptions). Pretty cool to see these guys get recognized for their talent and get voted to their 1st Pro Bowl!! Except they weren't...not really (except Devonta). Jameis & Robinson were replacements, with a record number of players RSVPing "No Thanks" this year. Yup the Pro Bowl did NOT include such stars as Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Andy Dalton, Drew Brees, and Phillip Rivers. Apparently the risk of getting hurt isn't worth the trip to Hawaii for the fans. Pussies.
SUPER BOWL 50
Well, this is it - the final game until the fall. This Sunday Super Bowl 50 will be held in San Francisco, CA - where ol' 5-Head goes up against possibly his greatest threat to date besides Father Time...Super SCam Newton. The Panthers have been on a tear this year - going 17-1 and making it look fun. The Broncos on the other hand have defied all odds as the Old Manning has limped on the field week after week and led this team to a remarkable finish with the help of an incredibly stout defense led by Von Miller. If the Panthers win, they TIE a best record over a 19-game season with the 85' Bears (when the Miami Dolphins went undefeated in 1972, they only had to win 17 games). If the Broncos pull this off, it will give Peyton Manning the happy ending to an illustrious, amazing career. My thoughts? Although Panthers look unbeatable and everyone from Vegas to the Madden Video game predicts them to pull this out, I'm going for our HGH Hero to pull it off one last time. I'm a sucker for the under-dog.
CAGE MATCH: The Battle Continues
WILD at HEART
This week's Cage Match drove me into the deepest, darkest corner of the Cage-verse in the greatest test of this experiment to date. Truth be told, I had never heard of this movie before my good buddy Grinder pointed me in it's direction. Boasting an incredibly generous 7.3/10 on IMBD and a 65% on RottenTomatoes, this film made me question my life choices and what led me to question my thought process on why I thought this Movie Marathon was a good idea. Written and directed by the uber-creepy David Lynch (the weird dude behind Twin Peaks), the film follows our "hero" Cage in a low-rent Bonnie & Clyde without the coolness meets Fear & Loathing without the heavy drug use, but just as much oddities. Cage plays Sailor Ripley, who talks like a slow witted Elvis Impersonator and wears a Snake Skin Jacket that "is a symbol of my individuality, and my belief... in personal freedom." But a line like that is best experienced...
The "Bonnie" to his "Clyde" is played by a 23 year old Laura Dern - or the chick from Jurassic Park. She has great lines like "You got me hotter than Georgia Asphalt" and "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top". You know it's a good movie when they work the title of the film into obscure dialogue in the movie not once but twice. The whole movie they're on the run from Dern's crazy mom that hired a hit man on them to kill Cage...and they work in the Wizard of Oz, the Yellow Brick Road, and Elvis Songs in-between punk music. Oh yea - they also love to Kung Fu Dance in the desert...
All in all, this movie was pretty awful. Horrible in fact - and painful. I genuinely feel dumber having watched this film. So, all in all, a perfect Cage Classic.
CAGE RAGE:
This movie had all the qualities of a great Cage Rage performance. Bad Southern Elvis accent he forgets he using throughout the film? Check. Beating a man to death in the opening scene? Check. Crazy Kung-Fu Desert Dancing? Big F*cking Check. We got a high score here with 4/5 Cage Rages.
CAGE CUT:
This may be one of his last performances before the great hairline decline of the 90s. Not wild, but not bad. 2.5/5 Cage Cuts
PLOT/BELIEVABILITY:
I felt like I was tripping balls watching this film. Made no damn sense, and not entirely sure I didn't just dream the whole thing. - 1.5/5 Serious Cages
OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
Strong performance on the Cage Rage - and the weirdness factor/lack of believability actually help bump this one up to an impressive 4/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.
HOLIDAY SCHMOLIDAY
As previously mentioned, today is Groundhog's Day- a totally necessary holiday were a large rodent predicts the change of seasons. Made famous by the 1993 Bill Murray classic film of the same name, we all "celebrate" (ok we don't celebrate it , but we're aware it exists) but not many people know why or how this is still a thing. As the story goes, if the Groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil (of Punxsatawney, PA), sees his shadow on Feb 2 then we're stuck with six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow, we luck out with an early spring. The tradition dates back to 1887 mixing a hodge-podge of weirdness from ancient European Lore, Catholic tradition of Candlemas Day, and (of course) a Pagan tradition known as Imbolc. While initially the tradition started with a badger or sacred bear predicting the weather, it morphed into the Groundhog for the American version -because why not right? Not to be out done, Texas celebrates this already crazy holiday in its own way, re-naming it Armadillo Day - because again, why not. But weather prediction isn't the rodent's only super power - Punxsutawney Phil now has the ability to text weather predictions to you directly - Just text "Groundhog" to 247365 on Groundhog Day and he'll get right back to you. Surprisingly, the Rodent is about as accurate as real meteorologists, boasting a 39% accuracy rating.
FUN FACT: Although Groundhogs only have a life span of 6-8 years, Punxsutawney Phil is 125 years old because he drinks a special magic elixar that he drinks every summer.
INTERNATIONAL NONSENSE
Ji-Hotties are Da Bomb
Looking for that special someone that shares your love for Allah as well as your severe hatred of Western Culture? Too busy fighting the great Satan to find that special someone to settle down with? Well look no further, because you can find that special Ji-Hottie of your dreams with the new ISIS themed dating site. And what exactly is a Ji-Hottie? "The Jihotties refers to men who are displaying their masculinity, showing what heroes they are, and how amazing they are, as good Muslim men who appear and are willing to fight," So Basically this is like Tinder & Match mixed for ISIS enthusiasts - and not just Goats!! Boasting testimonials such as "After a few minutes, I flip my niqab. He looked at me. Our eyes catch each others'. I had palpitation that is faster than the speed of light," and "She found Allah and lived happily ever after" its an ISIS themed speed dating site promises an almost perfect life for the women and their jihadist. They are being offered free housing, healthcare and cars, among others. That, and a life of servitude, Sharia Law, and basic abandonment of all human rights. It's almost too good to be true!!
FUN FACT: This was not an article on the Onion. it's real, and hilarious.
PANDAMONIUM
In what is hands down the greatest job on the planet (looking at you Cassie), the Giant Panda Protection and Research Center in China hires Panda-Nannies whose jobs are to give Pandas hugs 365 days a year. Yes you read that right.
You too can get paid the equivalent of $32,000 a year to hug pandas, as "Your work has only one mission. Spending 365 days with the pandas and sharing in their joys and sorrows." One of the purposes of this panda nanny program - besides making you hate your job more - is to increase awareness of and interest in pandas. You win this round Communism.
MEME of the WEEK
FAME of the WEEK
The New 300
Changing gears a bit and branching out to the real world outside our friends group, this week's Fame goes to the 300 Plumbers from unions across the country descended on Flint to install new faucets and water filters for free. Unless you've been living under a rock, Flint, Michigan is facing a severe health crisis and failure of their government as thousands of people in Flint have been exposed to unsafe levels of lead in their water. The 300 mentioned belong to the United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of the Plumbing and Pipe Fitting Industry. While it does not come close to solving the crisis, it was an incredibly admirable and self less act that should be celebrated.
SHAME of the WEEK
B.O.B
One-hit rap wonder and the pride of Decatur, GA Bobby Ray Simmons Jr aka B.o.B. hit the twittersphere this past week to call out all the sheeple that buy into the lie that the Earth is round. It all started with a a tweet where the "Artist" dared the public to answer how the world can be round if the background of his picture is flat (seen here):
Soon after the internet erupted in all it's glory, pointing out the High School Graduate's gross scientific illiteracy. After much back and forth on twitter, none other than Neil deGrasse Tyson joined in to point out his ignorance. What ensued was the greatest Hip-Hop rivalry since Biggie and Tupac - with both B.o.B AND deGrasse Tyson dropping Dis-tracks (click on this if you have the time). In the end, it was a close call but Tyson's argument (as well as irrefutable scientific evidence) proved too much for the Rapper, and the world will continue to believe the conspiracy that the World is not Flat.
FUN FACT: He is also a Holocaust denier. Soo...yeah.
THE END
Well, that's about all for this week. Thanks for tuning in once again to read my ramblings. Any suggestions, feedback, comments please make sure to voice below - and if you have any recommendations for a Cage Match or a FAME/SHAME of the week, send it on my way!!
Special shout out to the Bundys, who are enjoying their final week as a our favorite engaged couple. This weekend she'll finally make an honest man out of our local Fashionista Senior Bundus!! Can't wait to celebrate this weekend!!!
Thanks again reading, I hope this brought a couple laughs to your day. That's all I got this week - have a great rest of the day and a wonderful week!!
