Good Morning & Happy Monday!!!
Well the weekend came and went and it's time to get back to the grind and face the facts. Your NFL team probably sucks and have been eliminated. College Football is over. And you you didn't win the lotto That last part really sucks too, because I had a really good feeling about it this time and I was frankly surprised we didn't win. Oh well. Probably for the best - I'd end up blowing all my money on stock piling new/extra livers, buying the Jacksonville Jaguars and purchasing vintage Bat-mobiles. That money'd be gone in 3 months. But no use dwelling on what could have been.
Now if memory serves me correctly and My google search engine isn't incorrect - today is a Holiday!! Yes, Monday is Martin Luther King Jr Day - where we celebrate the most important Civil Rights Leader in American History by not having our mail delivered or being able to cash a check. Not sure that's what he set out to achieve, but it's better than nothing I guess. Hooray Banks?
Now if memory serves me correctly and My google search engine isn't incorrect - today is a Holiday!! Yes, Monday is Martin Luther King Jr Day - where we celebrate the most important Civil Rights Leader in American History by not having our mail delivered or being able to cash a check. Not sure that's what he set out to achieve, but it's better than nothing I guess. Hooray Banks?
If you have a "Real Job" then you probably don't have the luxury of enjoying this, the 1st Government Mandated Celebration of the New Year. Sorry. Not really though.
Mondays are always hard, especially when you know others aren't having to endure the misery which you all are putting yourself through at this very fleeting moment. If it's any consolation, if I did have a job, I'd probably call in Ferris Bueller style today anyways. Think I'll watch that today.
Moving on - Thanks for checking back in this morning after last week's longer-than-normal edition. Sorry for missing the proposed deadline Friday, - but I'm sure you'll live.Plus you get a nice steamy pile of the corner to sift through this morning!! Win Win?
Enough stalling - watch out Monday, here we come
Mondays are always hard, especially when you know others aren't having to endure the misery which you all are putting yourself through at this very fleeting moment. If it's any consolation, if I did have a job, I'd probably call in Ferris Bueller style today anyways. Think I'll watch that today.
Moving on - Thanks for checking back in this morning after last week's longer-than-normal edition. Sorry for missing the proposed deadline Friday, - but I'm sure you'll live.Plus you get a nice steamy pile of the corner to sift through this morning!! Win Win?
Enough stalling - watch out Monday, here we come
CAGE MATCH ROUND 2!! - I haven't tapped out yet...
VAMPIRE'S KISS
For my second Cage Match, I decided to go head to head with the movie that spawned a million memes - Vampire's Kiss. (This Haunting pic is an actual scene from the film)
For my second Cage Match, I decided to go head to head with the movie that spawned a million memes - Vampire's Kiss. (This Haunting pic is an actual scene from the film)
Boasting a 5.8/10 on IMBD. After watching this film, I feel that rating is entirely too generous.With a budget of $2 Million, this 1988 comedy (?) pulled in a whopping $725,131 - which is $78 million less than what Adam Sandler's Pixels made. Why, America? Why?.
Basically, Nic Cage plays Peter Loew, a Publishing Executive that loves Black Chicks and dry humping. In that order. Well during a one night stand, Cage gets bit on the neck by a Vampire. Or Thinks he does. Then he turns into a Vampire. Or at least he thinks he does. And he acts it out in that subtle Nic Cage way we've all grown to love as you can see here:
Basically, Nic Cage plays Peter Loew, a Publishing Executive that loves Black Chicks and dry humping. In that order. Well during a one night stand, Cage gets bit on the neck by a Vampire. Or Thinks he does. Then he turns into a Vampire. Or at least he thinks he does. And he acts it out in that subtle Nic Cage way we've all grown to love as you can see here:
SPOILER ALERT: He's not a vampire. He's just really weird and lonely.
After being bit, Cage's character starts exhibiting interesting side effects talking in an accent that is a strange mix between Valley Girl/London Socialite/ and New York 80's Guppy. Very odd. Oh, and he starts sweating a LOT, sleeping under his coach (to avoid sunlight, duh) and wearing fake vampire teeth (his character actually goes and is too cheap for the $9 pair, so gets the $2 teeth.)
Other notable moments are Cage loosing his mind in a public restroom when he can't see his reflection, kind of raping his mexican assistant, but not really, and biting a woman to death in a club using the $2 teeth. All in all, a normal Tuesday night in Cage-land.
Later he gets a stake through the heart. Hope that makes sense.
ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: He did not win his Academy Award for this one.
CAGE RAGE
This movie was chocked full of Cage-y moments, and the Rage was strong throughout. Made the movie worth it alone for his awesomeness. 4.5/5 Cage Rages.
After being bit, Cage's character starts exhibiting interesting side effects talking in an accent that is a strange mix between Valley Girl/London Socialite/ and New York 80's Guppy. Very odd. Oh, and he starts sweating a LOT, sleeping under his coach (to avoid sunlight, duh) and wearing fake vampire teeth (his character actually goes and is too cheap for the $9 pair, so gets the $2 teeth.)
Other notable moments are Cage loosing his mind in a public restroom when he can't see his reflection, kind of raping his mexican assistant, but not really, and biting a woman to death in a club using the $2 teeth. All in all, a normal Tuesday night in Cage-land.
Later he gets a stake through the heart. Hope that makes sense.
ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: He did not win his Academy Award for this one.
CAGE RAGE
This movie was chocked full of Cage-y moments, and the Rage was strong throughout. Made the movie worth it alone for his awesomeness. 4.5/5 Cage Rages.
CAGE CUT:
Not much crazy in this hair - pretty standard and boring by all accounts. 1.5/5 Cage Cuts
Plot/Writing:
This was bad - but not the worst. You could see what they were going for in this "Dark Comedy"...like it wanted to be American Pyscho - but it just didn't get there. 2.5/5 Serious Cages
This was bad - but not the worst. You could see what they were going for in this "Dark Comedy"...like it wanted to be American Pyscho - but it just didn't get there. 2.5/5 Serious Cages
OVERALL CAGE-INESS:
The hair is lacking, but the Cage-Rage is on point. Brings this one up to aother 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.
The hair is lacking, but the Cage-Rage is on point. Brings this one up to aother 3.5/5 on the Cage-tastic Meter.
SPORTS
College Football
As you know, the College Football National Championship Game was played this past Monday night, and it was arguably one of the most entertaining National Championships in the last 10 years. Coach Dabu Sweeney's #1 Clemson Tigers came in as an underdog, facing off against Nick Saban's #2 Alabama Crimson Tide, and this game proved that these schools were undoubtedly the best two teams in the nation. Both teams came out swinging, taking turns controlling Quarters - until Saban pulled out a surprise on-side kick at the beginning of the 4th. From there, it was all Bama controlling the game and finishing 45-40 winning the National Championship once again.
With their win, Nick Saban and his Crimson Tide made history on multiple levels. Winning it's 4th National title in the last 7 years, that is the Best run in College Football History and further cemented Alabama as the one true modern day Dynasty in College Football. This was also Saban's 5th National Title (his 1st at LSU in 2003) - which is more National Championships than Texas, Florida, LSU, Auburn, Michigan, Penn State, Tennessee, Clemson, Georgia, Texas A&M, UCLA. and Florida State have as their school's total National Championships. This also place Saban 1 National Championship behind Bear Bryant and ties him with two guys you won't remember when this sentence is finished.
While this is all impressive, the best record set was regarding Lane Kiffin. This game was the first time an Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Coach was forgotten by the team after helping win the National Championship. Yes, all the team buses left the Stadium without Lane Kiffin. And the awesome video of him watching them leave can be seen below.
While this is all impressive, the best record set was regarding Lane Kiffin. This game was the first time an Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Coach was forgotten by the team after helping win the National Championship. Yes, all the team buses left the Stadium without Lane Kiffin. And the awesome video of him watching them leave can be seen below.
Besides Alabama completely ditching Kiffin at the Stadium, this was my other favorite part about the National Championship...The much needed Taiwanese Animation prediction of the game. I love these guys.
NFL
Since I missed Week 1 of the playoffs with Wildcard weekend, and we just experienced Week 2, I'm going to cram all the fun in a supershort meme-tastic recap. Short and sweet,, like the lollipop guild.
WILD CARD WEEKEND
The 2015-2016 NFL Playoff kicked off Saturday Jan 9th 2016 with Wild Card Weekend, and it marked the 1st time in NFL History all Wildcard Teams/Road Teams won.. Unheard of and amazing. Unless you're a fan of one of those losers.
That's it.
MORE SPORTS - Playoffs Week 2
All of these games could have been thoroughly enjoyed by watching the 1st quarters, and 4th Quarters alone. That's were the excitement was - not to much meat on them bones. Except for Pats Chiefs - all action throughout! I'll try to keep it to just a few sentences and a Meme each:
Cardinals/Greenbay - 1/16/16
The score was 13-20, as Arizona led Greenbay with 5 seconds left. The game all but over, Aaron Rodgers channeled his - well inner Rodgers, and threw a last minute, 41 yard Hail Mary pass to Jeff Janis sending the game into Overtime. It was unlike you've never seen - unless you watched the Detroit game last month (12/3/15) where he did the same thing. After a weird non-flip "coin-toss" Larry Fitzgerald scored on two plays for the Cardinals Victory.. Final Score 26-20
All of these games could have been thoroughly enjoyed by watching the 1st quarters, and 4th Quarters alone. That's were the excitement was - not to much meat on them bones. Except for Pats Chiefs - all action throughout! I'll try to keep it to just a few sentences and a Meme each:
Cardinals/Greenbay - 1/16/16
The score was 13-20, as Arizona led Greenbay with 5 seconds left. The game all but over, Aaron Rodgers channeled his - well inner Rodgers, and threw a last minute, 41 yard Hail Mary pass to Jeff Janis sending the game into Overtime. It was unlike you've never seen - unless you watched the Detroit game last month (12/3/15) where he did the same thing. After a weird non-flip "coin-toss" Larry Fitzgerald scored on two plays for the Cardinals Victory.. Final Score 26-20
Patriots /Chiefs - 1/16/16
Chiefs had a chance, but they blew it. They're complaining of Headset issues, but who cares. Patriots advance, this was a no brainer. We all saw this coming. Final Score: 27-20
Fun Fact - Lots of fun meme's to choose from, but figured this un-related meme would be fun to remind everyone the Bengals still suck and can't win in the post-season.
Chiefs had a chance, but they blew it. They're complaining of Headset issues, but who cares. Patriots advance, this was a no brainer. We all saw this coming. Final Score: 27-20
Fun Fact - Lots of fun meme's to choose from, but figured this un-related meme would be fun to remind everyone the Bengals still suck and can't win in the post-season.
Panthers/Seahawks - 1/17/16
The Battle of the Bandwagons. Russell Wilson led his rag-tag group of Super-Bowl Champions to an early 31-0 deficit, allowing Cam Newton to bend them over give them the Dirty Carolina. Somehow in shocking fashion (like every other game this weekend) a comeback was a brewin' - and Wilson led those filthy Sea Pigeons to an almost comeback - but fell short of greatness yet again. Panthers win and millions of Bandwagoners have been left wondering who they're now die hard fans of. Final Score: 31-24
The Battle of the Bandwagons. Russell Wilson led his rag-tag group of Super-Bowl Champions to an early 31-0 deficit, allowing Cam Newton to bend them over give them the Dirty Carolina. Somehow in shocking fashion (like every other game this weekend) a comeback was a brewin' - and Wilson led those filthy Sea Pigeons to an almost comeback - but fell short of greatness yet again. Panthers win and millions of Bandwagoners have been left wondering who they're now die hard fans of. Final Score: 31-24
Broncos/Steelers - 1/17/16
In a game best described as awkward to watch, two of the NFL's biggest stars hobbled out to meet each other in a handicapped grudge match for AFC dominance. Steelers without a healthy QB, Antonio Brown, or any running game what-so-ever was no match for Peyton Manning's uncanny ability to hand the ball off. Steelers fell in this snoozer This picture explains it all. Final Score: 23-16
SPORTS RELATED NEWS
Get that man a Grammy!!
After the cringe-worthy hit on Antonio Brown in the 4th Quarter of the Steelers/Bengals Wildcard game 1/9/16, Bengals Cornerback/Concussion Expert Adam "Pacman" Jones hit social media to talk about the "dirty" hit that led to the game winning field goal by the Steelers. Pacman felt that not only was this hit below legit:
but he also felt that Antonio Brown was faking it. Faking it so well, that his performance deserved a Grammy for his performance. A Grammy. Antonio Brown deserved Pop-Music's most Prestigious award for pretending to be knocked unconscious.
But that's not all - he later went on to double down on his claim - going on Inside the NFL, saying he was positive the Antonio Brown didn't have a concussion..and would only apologize to him if he didn't play on Saturday. The funny part? There was no way Antonio Brown was playing on Saturday, whether he had a concussion or not...Neither were any of the other Steelers. Mainly due to the fact that Pittsburgh was scheduled to play the Denver Broncos on Sunday. Derp.
FUN FACT: Antonio wasn't faking it. Not only did he not play against Denver, but they lost big time.
Keep it Classy Cincinnati!!
But that's not all - he later went on to double down on his claim - going on Inside the NFL, saying he was positive the Antonio Brown didn't have a concussion..and would only apologize to him if he didn't play on Saturday. The funny part? There was no way Antonio Brown was playing on Saturday, whether he had a concussion or not...Neither were any of the other Steelers. Mainly due to the fact that Pittsburgh was scheduled to play the Denver Broncos on Sunday. Derp.
FUN FACT: Antonio wasn't faking it. Not only did he not play against Denver, but they lost big time.
Keep it Classy Cincinnati!!
See Ya later, Suck Town!!!
If I had asked you a couple weeks ago what the worst place in the US to be a Sports Fan would be, you'd probably undoubtedly say Cleveland. Why wouldn't you? The city is so bad that Lebron's hairline is leaving in droves since he refuses to. But there is actually a shittier place that Cleveland for Sports. Yes, the NFL just announced that 3 teams not named the Jacksonville Jaguars wanted to move to LA, and the lucky fan base losing it's team is city of St. Louis.
Anyways - here are a list of all the 7 teams that have played and died in St Louis
BASKETBALL -
St Louis Ram's Owner Stan Kroenke has decided. to take his team to bigger and brighter pastures of LA - where NFL teams go to die. LA has hosted and lost 4 teams throughout history, and the main reasons teams left - There were problems with filling all of the 90,000-plus seats in the Coliseum to avoid a television blackout in the Los Angeles area.One of those teams that failed there: the Rams.
Basically LA in the NFL is the abusive boyfriend you keep going back to. If that boyfriend used you for merchandising rights, profits, and a way to extort millions from tax payers.
If I had asked you a couple weeks ago what the worst place in the US to be a Sports Fan would be, you'd probably undoubtedly say Cleveland. Why wouldn't you? The city is so bad that Lebron's hairline is leaving in droves since he refuses to. But there is actually a shittier place that Cleveland for Sports. Yes, the NFL just announced that 3 teams not named the Jacksonville Jaguars wanted to move to LA, and the lucky fan base losing it's team is city of St. Louis.
Anyways - here are a list of all the 7 teams that have played and died in St Louis
BASKETBALL -
- Hawks - played in St Luis from 1955-1968, until they left for the bright lights of a less racially charged city - Atlanta.
- Bombers - Played 4 seasons 1946-1950 before deciding it would rather dissolve than play another game in that shitty town
- Eagles - Had a long career in Ottowa Canada from 1917-1934. Lasted 1 year in St Luis and decided to call it quits.
- Browns - Born in 1901, the longest tenured team in St Luis history, moved to Baltimore to become the Orioles in 1953
- All-Stars - Started in 1920 in Chicago, moved there and died in 1923
- Cardinals - Set up home there from 1960-1987 before heading out to Phoenix to keep sucking
- Rams - Started in Cleveland in 1936, moved to LA from '45-94, then limped on in St Luis until this pat year. So Sad.
St Louis Ram's Owner Stan Kroenke has decided. to take his team to bigger and brighter pastures of LA - where NFL teams go to die. LA has hosted and lost 4 teams throughout history, and the main reasons teams left - There were problems with filling all of the 90,000-plus seats in the Coliseum to avoid a television blackout in the Los Angeles area.One of those teams that failed there: the Rams.
Basically LA in the NFL is the abusive boyfriend you keep going back to. If that boyfriend used you for merchandising rights, profits, and a way to extort millions from tax payers.
KIND OF NEWS?
What a Bunch of Dicks
Unless you've been under a rock, you've probably heard of Phil's evil cousins out West - the "y'all Qaeda" militant terrorists holed up in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. Ready to stand their ground against the big bad government as long as possible, these heavily armed men thought of everything - everything except supplies that is. So naturally, they reached out to the internet to help. And once again, the internet delivered.
Unfortunately they didn't receive the supplies, and snacks they requested - but they did receive a clear message of what the American people think they could do to themselves. Nope, no supplies - but they did get Dildos. Lots, and lots of dildos. Here's an awesome video of their leader Jon Ritzheimer, opening up all the goodies:
But I know what you're thinking...without the appropriate care and lubricant, one of those poor Militia Men could get hurt. Well, don't worry, guys. Cards Against Humanity creator Max Temkin has it taken care of: he sent the militiamen 55 gallons of lube. So now, they can officially go F*Ck themselves.
Fun Fact: You too can "Tell that Special Someone in your Life to Eat a Bag of Dicks" by visiting http://shipabagofdicks.com/ . Thats $14 to send an Anonymous, rainbow colored, gummy bag of Dicks. You can also add glitter for $3 if you really want to start a war.
Thanks to Fat Trost for the heads up!!
Fun Fact: You too can "Tell that Special Someone in your Life to Eat a Bag of Dicks" by visiting http://shipabagofdicks.com/ . Thats $14 to send an Anonymous, rainbow colored, gummy bag of Dicks. You can also add glitter for $3 if you really want to start a war.
Thanks to Fat Trost for the heads up!!
Crime Stinks
Rest easy friends, the Texas Butthole Tickling Bandit has been apprehended. In this Totally true story , a man named Richard Hays has been terrorizing Dallas this past holiday season (my money was on Oggi being the bandit). The Anal Antagonizer eluded capture for three weeks, terrorizing the anus' of dozens of men (yup, his targets were men) in the meantime. One unnamed witness said "“I slept on my back everyday, I can finally sleep on my stomach again.”. We've all been there.
Rest easy friends, the Texas Butthole Tickling Bandit has been apprehended. In this Totally true story , a man named Richard Hays has been terrorizing Dallas this past holiday season (my money was on Oggi being the bandit). The Anal Antagonizer eluded capture for three weeks, terrorizing the anus' of dozens of men (yup, his targets were men) in the meantime. One unnamed witness said "“I slept on my back everyday, I can finally sleep on my stomach again.”. We've all been there.
MEME of THE WEEK
FAME of The WEEK
My Niece Tatiana
This past weekend Nicole and I enjoyed some company from my family in South Florida - as my "lil" Brother Bobblehead brought his whole clan up for the weekend. The reason for the visit? COLLEGE VISIT!!
My Niece Tatiana
This past weekend Nicole and I enjoyed some company from my family in South Florida - as my "lil" Brother Bobblehead brought his whole clan up for the weekend. The reason for the visit? COLLEGE VISIT!!
Tatiana is an incredibly intelligent, headstrong young lady with dreams of going to Medical School and someday becoming a Doctor. The 1st stop on her journey to reach her dreams is the University of Georgia - Nicole's alma matter. Tatiana is not only very motivated, but driven, goal oriented and inspiring. Besides the fact that she's still a Junior in HS (and her 17th BDay was just last week), she already has big plans for her life and wants to be somebody. Which is impressive for 2 reasons..
- I'm twice her age and still don't know what I want to do when I grow up..
- This is the male figure in her life she has to look up to.
In all seriousness, it was a great weekend and wonderful time with family. So proud of Tati - and I'm proud of my Ryan brother and his wife Maritza for that matter. All jokes aside, they're doing a hell of a job as parents, and they're raising some amazing kids.
SHAME of THE WEEK
Doctor Fingers McBundus
Allegedly last Saturday night at Mrs Ogburatta’s Birthday extravaganza, before the party headed on over to Panchos, a few of the usual suspects went to the bar to grab a couple more tequila shots (which were clearly needed and always a good idea). Bundy, Oggi, and couple others "allegedly" took a shot.
A few moments later, both knee deep in different conversations, Bundy "allegedly" turned back to Oggi, handed him the same shot Oggi had just taken (that had his discarded lime laying in the shot glass) and said “Here, lets split this one.”
Thinking Bundy was kidding at first, but quickly realized he was just fucked up. Oggi agreed, took the shot glass (again, with discarded lime just sitting in it), put it to his lips, and pretended to take half a shot. He then handed it to Bundy who "allegedly" put it to his lips and tilted his head all the way back to drink the fuck out of that “non-shot”, shot.
Then, with authority, Bundy "allegedly" looked at Oggi - dead in the eyes, said "Ha!", slammed the shot glass down on the bar, and turned back around to finish his conversation where he left off.
Not sure if that’s a Shame or a Fame, but definitely "allegedly" hilarious.
Doctor Fingers McBundus
Allegedly last Saturday night at Mrs Ogburatta’s Birthday extravaganza, before the party headed on over to Panchos, a few of the usual suspects went to the bar to grab a couple more tequila shots (which were clearly needed and always a good idea). Bundy, Oggi, and couple others "allegedly" took a shot.
A few moments later, both knee deep in different conversations, Bundy "allegedly" turned back to Oggi, handed him the same shot Oggi had just taken (that had his discarded lime laying in the shot glass) and said “Here, lets split this one.”
Thinking Bundy was kidding at first, but quickly realized he was just fucked up. Oggi agreed, took the shot glass (again, with discarded lime just sitting in it), put it to his lips, and pretended to take half a shot. He then handed it to Bundy who "allegedly" put it to his lips and tilted his head all the way back to drink the fuck out of that “non-shot”, shot.
Then, with authority, Bundy "allegedly" looked at Oggi - dead in the eyes, said "Ha!", slammed the shot glass down on the bar, and turned back around to finish his conversation where he left off.
Not sure if that’s a Shame or a Fame, but definitely "allegedly" hilarious.
THE END
Well, that's all I got this week. Thanks for sticking with it this morning, hopefully I didn't ramble on too long and you still have enough time to enjoy this wonderful Monday morning in all its glory.
Be sure to leave any praise, complaints, suggestions or comments below - as well as recommendations for the next Cage Match if you want to see me suffer through something specific. I'll work on getting these out in a more efficient and timely manner over the next few weeks. No promises though!!
Thanks again, Hope you all have a great day & a wonderful week!!
Well, that's all I got this week. Thanks for sticking with it this morning, hopefully I didn't ramble on too long and you still have enough time to enjoy this wonderful Monday morning in all its glory.
Be sure to leave any praise, complaints, suggestions or comments below - as well as recommendations for the next Cage Match if you want to see me suffer through something specific. I'll work on getting these out in a more efficient and timely manner over the next few weeks. No promises though!!
Thanks again, Hope you all have a great day & a wonderful week!!
